Rookie Mistakes
by honeybeebear
Summary: Working with Olivia Benson would've been the dream...That is if the decorated detective hadn't turned out to be such a bitch. (Or Olivia is heartbroken and Amanda is a useless lesbian with a crush in this angsty enemies to lovers fic)
1. Chapter 1

The break room was quiet and peaceful in the early morning. She liked this part of the day, when she could follow some sort of the same pattern as she had before.

She'd come in, find her way to the break room and start the coffee. Elliot would be there by then, checking their messages, his and hers because they wouldn't tackle any of them alone anyways.

She knew how he liked his coffee, and she'd managed to find the perfect balance of dark, bitter coffee and the sweetness of the sugar so that she'd see his smile every morning when he took the first sip. It was the tiniest of happinesses, and she hadn't realized how much she would miss it.

Elliot was gone.

It was a fact, as unequivocal as the rising and falling of sun, but the hole gaping in her heart was just as unchangeable, just as inescapable. She'd never taste his mouth again, never run her fingers along the ridges of his chest, never feel him inside of her again. His wry smirk, the twinkling of his grey blue eyes, and the low timber of his voice had left her alone, searching blindly in the dark for those things which become her points on the compass of their life. Where she travelled now was unmapped, an unexplored wilderness that would eat her up as surely as it would spit her back out again.

Olivia poured her solitary cup of coffee, feeling no sense of fulfillment at the task nor desire to drink it. It felt like every other thing in her life, mundane and useless, a graveyard of memories.

The intensity and the frequency of how often she wished for a state of non-existence should have terrified her. She knew far too well the earmarks of depression, but it was as with as much vehemence that she prayed for release from the heartbreak that she denied ever needing deliverance from any man or romantic entanglement. What she thought was acceptance had come quickly, though in the weeks that followed she'd come to understand that pretending as though the emptiness inside her did not exist was not the same as processing Elliot's sudden departure.

She closed her eyes, swaying in front of the coffee maker as the thick knot of dread she'd pushed down all morning rose. She drew a deep breath through her nose, attempting to stem the startling emotion. She hated crying, hated feeling sorry for herself, hated feeling so dependent upon something, or in this case, someone.

"You beat me to it."

Olivia started, nearly spilling the cup of steaming coffee as the charming, Southern lilt of Amanda Rollins' voice jarred her out of her self pitying thoughts.

Annoyance immediately flooded her veins, and she tossed a strained glance over her shoulder at the other detective as her heart slowed.

She may not have moved on from Elliot's retirement, but life marched on around her. The inner workings of SVU chugged onwards, and she'd had no say in the transfer of Amanda Rollins, a young detective from Atlanta, Georgia, who appeared too wet-behind-the-ears to shine in even the smallest light upon Elliot's legacy.

A replacement? She'd demanded, flying into Cragen's office with tears burning her eyes. I barely got his desk packed up!

He'd taken her distress with a calm, though compassionate expression. He'd apologized, following it with the reiteration of everything she already knew - he decided to leave and we can't change that; we have a precinct to run, victims to attend to…

She'd left, subconsciously determined not accept this intruder, this interloper. Seeing her at his desk every day was almost more than she could take.

"The coffee." Amanda clarified when Olivia didn't answer, jarring her back to the present once more.

"In Atlanta that was always my job, but I think that had more to do with my sex than my joy for the morning."

She scoffed, lounging down into a chair at the table, and Olivia turned her gaze back towards the coffee, her jaw clenched.

Atlanta this, Atlanta that. She thought, sarcastically. If it's that great why don't you go-

"It's kinda nice not being the only one now." Amanda added, and Olivia could hear the hopefulness in her voice.

She wanted some sort of camaraderie, and had Olivia been in a different position, she would've been more than happy to work with another woman in the Special Victims Unit. God knew there were too many insensitive men… but Amanda wasn't just another woman. She was the person sitting where Elliot had always been for the past twelve years.

And so the anger came, as it always did, an unfair, blistering anger which was neither immediately satisfying nor eventually fulfilling. There'd be no universe in which she'd find her behavior towards Amanda acceptable, but she could not stop herself.

"Well, don't get used to it." She finally, replied, lifting her chin. "We all take equal responsibility around here."

Turning away from the coffee maker, she took her coffee with every intention of leaving the room and the frivolous small talk.

"Hey." Amanda caught her, rising from her chair was a frown beginning on her brow. "I didn't mean anything by that. I just meant…"

Her voice trailed away as Olivia continued to stare at her with a stony expression. She knew she shouldn't be so unexplainably cold, but she felt if she opened her mouth something even worse would fall out.

"It's just... it's nice not to be the only woman." Amanda finally finished with a shrug, her sharp blue eyes searching Olivia's for understanding, and it was uncomfortably intense.

Olivia glanced down at the steam and foam swirling in her coffee, avoiding Amanda's gaze as her stomach twinged with guilt.

"It's nice you feel that way." She finally replied, her voice a strained rasp.

Turning away, she kept her chin down and strode from the room before she could feel anymore self disdain.

She could feel Amanda's eyes following her, and she escaped into the squad room. Sinking to her desk chair, she clasped a hand over her forehead which was already pounding.

Jesus, what is your problem? She asked herself, viscously.

She'd known long enough that her and Elliot's relationship would never be anything more than an office affair that she shouldn't be so impacted by his departure. She'd told herself enough times that eventually he would leave that she shouldn't be shocked. She certainly shouldn't be taking it out on a young, clueless detective who was only trying to impress her.

She'd seen the way Amanda gazed at her, wide-eyed and flushed, upon their first shaking hands, and it had caused an inward groan. She was no idol, and at the moment, not even close to a role model. The Olivia Benson that Amanda had expected to work with didn't exist right now, and with creeping self despair, Olivia wondered if she ever had.

xxxxxx

A week later

The DD-5 lying in front of Amanda had been finished for well over an hour, but instead of going home she'd spent the time casting short glances at the desk across from her under the guise of editing the fine details. There were only two of them left here in the squad room, though it might as well have been one from the way the other woman ignored her.

Olivia had been cold towards her since day one, but ever since the arrest of Brian Smith, their exchanges had become even more strained. Olivia had spent the entire case down playing and disregarding Amanda's ideas and leads, even when it was obvious that she had more knowledge and experience with the case. Amanda had thought that bringing her expertise to the table would impress Olivia or at least earn her a little respect, but apparently she'd been wrong.

Now, she wasn't sure why she was wasting her time away on a Friday evening when there were plenty of bars to hop and bets to cast, but she'd remained in her seat, enthralled by their solitary co-existance.

Olivia Benson was an enigma, and the fact that Amanda had read her so wrong through childish, idolizing gazes irked her more than she cared to admit. She had thought that by moving to a more liberal, progressive state such as New York she'd be able to escape the boy's club atmosphere of the police department. Upon hearing she'd be working with a decorated, female officer such as Benson she'd had so much hope for a more positive future in her career, but so far the other detective had given her nothing but patronizing looks and condescending replies. It was almost as if Benson didn't want her here, although Amanda couldn't figure out what exactly she'd done wrong.

Maybe I'm not the most pleasant person. She'd told herself. Maybe I can be too assertive or too eager or too whatever…

But the truth was she actually tried with Benson, so much so that she hardly recognized herself when the other woman walked into the room. Something came over, something inevitable and inescapable, something indescribable, and she'd felt it as soon as they had met. With a flutter of her heart and a twist and turn of her stomach, Olivia had captivated her.

Maybe, it was her tall figure that Amanda imagined was something akin to the Greek goddesses of mythology; or maybe it was the ever shifting, sparkling hazel of her eyes that were dark and mysterious one moment, then wide and golden the next. Maybe it was her smile, or the sound of her voice, or maybe the little lift of her brow when she was annoyed, amused, or sarcastic. Maybe it was just the warmth of her long, olive fingers the first time they shook hands. It was something so sensual and swift that it took her breath away, no matter how Olivia regarded her.

And it was obvious that she didn't want to regard her, at least not in any kind of way that Amanda had imagined she might. She knew that Benson had just lost a partner, and she'd heard whisperings about the man who had stood by Olivia's side for a dozen years, but she hadn't expected such a reaction to her replacement of him. She'd seen detectives get messed up over losing a partner, but, for Christ's sake, the man wasn't dead. Why did she feel like she was intruding upon this squad, or maybe just upon Olivia, when she was simply taking over a job for a retired officer? Every interaction they shared felt like an accusation, and Amanda had only become more aware of it with each passing day.

Lifting an inconspicuous gaze over the top of her computer screen once more, she watched Olivia staring off across the room, her chin propped atop her folded hands. Her thoughtful gaze didn't give away much of what she might be thinking, but considering she'd been in that position for over 15 minutes, Amanda assumed that something was bothering her. If she hadn't felt she might be brushed aside or snapped at, she might have gone over to her. Lord knew she was itching to know what her problem was.

"Can I help you?" Olivia's voice jarred her.

Amanda jumped back in the chair, scrambling to appear busy. Her heart slammed up against her ribs as she realized her own mind had wandered and she'd been caught staring.

"No, no, I'm good." Amanda managed to say, tucking her hair nervously behind her ear to hide her flushing cheeks from Olivia's view. She stared down at the desk, hoping the burn of Olivia's gaze would recede, but when it didn't she glanced up to see her looking back at her, one eyebrow raised.

"You just seemed….troubled." Amanda stuttered.

Olivia pursed her lips and looked away.

"I'm fine. What's keeping you so late?"

Amanda swallowed a curse, and glanced back at the computer screen, searching for some kind of response.

"Finishing my fives."

"You've been done for an hour." Olivia noted, casually, sitting back in the chair and folding her legs. Her suspended leg bounced slowly, and Amanda could feel her gaze searing holes into her forehead again.

"Right." She grimaced, meeting Olivia's eyes. "I guess I just don't have much to go home to. My apartment is still pretty bare."

"So you spend your Friday evenings on the job?" Olivia chuckled, cynically.

"Well, so do you apparently." Amanda snapped, quickly, embarrassed by Olivia's apparent amusement at her life. "You've been sitting there for two hours staring at that desk."

Amanda jabbed her finger towards the empty desk across from Olivia. She immediately regretted the hasty response when not just one, but both of Olivia's perfectly arched brows rose above a surprised and irritated expression.

"Maybe you should spend your Friday evenings somewhere besides in my business." Olivia suggested, her eyes narrowing.

Amanda's jaw slipped open at the sheer rudeness of the other detective and she struggled to come up with a response as Olivia rose from her chair with a concieted flip of her long dark hair.

That's it. She thought, her heart pounding in her ears with pent up frustration.

She was trembling as she jumped up from her own chair, her chest burning.

"Hey."

Olivia paused at her command, her finger poised in the midst of buttoning her jacket.

"What?" Her voice was low and strained.

Amanda hesitated for another second, watching as Olivia knotted the belt of the pea coat.

What is your fucking problem? She wanted scream across the room. What the fuck did I ever do to you?

Olivia tossed her hair over her collar, and glanced back at Amanda, expectantly. Her sparkling, chestnut gaze almost dared her to speak, dared her to just give Olivia a reason, a justification.

Amanda clenched her hands into fists against the edge of the desk and gazed down at her paperwork. She counted her breaths, forced her heart to slow, pushed down every urge to retaliate.

Don't give her the satisfaction. Don't give her the satisfaction. Don't give her the satisfaction.

"Did you have something to say?" Olivia asked at last.

Lifting her eyes, Amanda smiled tightly and shook her head.

"No, Liv." She replied tightly, and sat back down at her desk. "Have a good weekend."

She pinned her eyes on the file in front of her, and waited for Olivia's eyes to stop burning her.

But even when she heard her turn away and her footsteps retreated, she wasn't sure she'd ever escape that fiery gaze or if she even wanted to.

Rejection be damned. She never had known what was good for her or when to stop.


	2. Chapter 2

The leftovers of the box mix pasta that she'd eaten earlier had grown cold on the coffee table while the choices of TV entertainment had become raunchier, and Olivia knew it had to be past 11 pm. She should be considering heading to bed, but instead, she remained lounged on the couch in an old Journey t-shirt and her underwear.

Swirling the glass of wine in her hand, she barely watched the TV screen. Her phone was in her other hand, and she'd been staring at the screen on and off ever since she'd arrived home. Elliot's contact info stared back at her, and her thumb had hovered over the call button more than once.

_He doesn't wanna talk to you._ She told told herself, turning the screen to black once more.

She rolled her eyes at herself, and tilted the glass against her lips again. She had a pleasant buzz in her head, and she knew she shouldn't ruin it by doing something incredibly stupid, but at the same time, calling Elliot while her inhibitions were lowered had never seemed more appealing.

Everything felt unfinished and undone right now, like a damn cliffhanger that never ended. She wanted closure, _needed _it, if she ever hoped to move on beyond this moment in time. She'd always thought their relationship would end with a volcanic fight, an explosive rift which ripped them from each other's arms. Not this. Not this excruciating, sudden silence which left her drifting through uncertainty.

Opening her eyes, she felt her heart pounding. She wasn't sure if it was from the wine or the fear. Lifting her phone with a trembling hand, she unlocked the screen, and stabbed the call button before she hesitated again. She pressed it to her ear as the sound of the ringing swirled dread through her stomach.

_Come on, come on…_ She mouthed the words, her eyes fluttering shut as she listened to the shrill jangling repeat until her head ached with it.

_BEEP…._

_The person you are trying to reach is currently unavailable-_

"Damnit." She stabbed the end button, impetuous tears rising to burn her eyes.

She shoved herself out of the cushions and tossed her cell to the coffee table where it clattered against the glass. Clasping her forehead in her hands, she stared of the floor as the silence buzzed around her, a wordless reinforcement of what she already knew.

_He's gone. Forever._

She closed her eyes against the burgeoning tears, loathe to let them fall once more in the lonely space of her wretched, little apartment.

_Bring!_

She started, jolting up straight when her phone abruptly began to ring. She stared wide-eyed at the device where it vibrated facedown, desperate to believe that Elliot had finally decided to return her calls.

With a trembling hand, she snatched up her phone, and flipped it over. The LED display shone across her flushed cheeks, scintillating with hope through the tears in her eyes, but the hammer of disappointment fell quickly, almost too quickly for her to emotionally process.

The name on the screen was not Elliot's. It was Amanda's.

_What the fuck! _She wanted scream. _What do you fucking want, you stupid, blonde-_

Releasing a ragged growl, she jumped up from the couch, praying fervently for the self control she needed in order to not throw her phone out the window and smash it to pieces on the concrete below. She paced around the coffee table, clutching the device in her fist until the anger subsided and the ringing cut off sharply, leaving only the sound of her raspy breathing in her ears.

Reality surged ahead then as she stared at the walls of her little home that she'd once been perfectly content with. There'd been a time when a man would enter her space and leave the next morning without so much as a second thought from her. A time before she'd opened the door too wide, before she'd let the whole of herself come spilling out to someone who'd never been reliable enough to support his own feelings, much less hers...

_Jesus, Olivia Margaret, get a hold of yourself. _She thought in bewilderment as she stood in the center of the room, enveloped with such strong emotion and self loathing for a moment that she could scarcely breathe. She lifted a hand and scraped her fingers over her face, attempting to wipe away the tears and the pathetic reaction.

She'd nearly forgotten that Amanda had even called by the time she swallowed down the knot of dread into her stomach. When the phone began to ring again, she flinched, and pressed her eyes shut hard for a moment.

She needed the strength she'd always so easily drawn upon, but she supposed perseverance would have to do.

Lifting the cell, she reluctantly answered the call, carefully hiding the recent outburst from her tone.

"Benson."

"Hey, I'm sorry if I woke you up."

Amanda's Southern drawl permeated the apology, and Olivia hated the way it seemed so sincere. Why would the other woman care about her comfort or lack thereof? They barely knew each other and what they did know hadn't formed anything close to a friendship. In fact, the whole acquaintance had become quite the opposite.

"No, it's okay." Olivia forced herself to reply in an even tone, reminding herself that she still had to be professional. "What's up?"

"Missing kid." Amanda replied.

"Where's Cragen?"

"On his way."

"Wait, where are you at?"

"At the mom's house." Amanda explained. "I was at SVU when the call came in."

"And you're just now calling me?" Olivia snapped, spinning around from her planted position in the middle of the living room.

Shaking her head, she held back explictives from her lips as she grabbed her crumpled pants from the floor. Balancing the phone between her cheek and shoulder, she began to dress.

"I called Cragen first on my way over." Amanda clarified, a gritty defensiveness rising in her voice. "I didn't want to waste any time."

"What's the address?" Olivia asked, ignoring Amanda's explanation and her own desire to obliterate it completely.

"122 West 75th." Amanda answered in a clipped tone. "I'll see you then."

With a click, the call came to an end, leaving Olivia struggling on the other end with the button of her pants. She came to a halt when she realized that Amanda had hung up on her, obviously too focused on the case or too frustrated with Olivia's attitude to put up a front of amiability.

She let the phone slide from her ear into her palm, and stared down at the black screen where her reflection gazed back at her, an excruciatingly self aware oracle of judgement. She pressed her eyes shut as a wave of guilt came over her once more.

Amanda had done nothing wrong, yet she could not help but find fault with her every action. She didn't want Amanda to win, but at this rate, neither of them would be winning anything, least of all each other's approval.

Shoving her phone into her pocket, Olivia strode towards the door. She snatched her coat from the hook, and headed out the door. When the cold, fall air hit her, she settled her hand into her pocket where her NYPD badge rested. She wrapped her fingers around it, and held on for dear life.

**xxxxxxxx**

Half a dozen police cruisers lined the curb, casting red and blue orbs across the street like some kind of morbid carnival, and on the sidewalk a couple of unis were organizing a search of the immediate area.

Amanda watched the commotion from inside the silence of the SVU she'd driven to Dana Halstead's brownstone, frustrated nearly to the point of anger that she cared so much about Benson's opinion and acceptance. Her hands were shaking around her cellphone in the wake of her call to Olivia, and she could feel the illogical emotion that had become far too familiar in the recent weeks building in her chest. She'd spent the last three weeks pandering to the woman, and it had garnered her nothing but hurt feelings and the same creeping sense of unbelonging she'd experienced in Atlanta.

_Why do you even try? _She berated herself, staring hard at the scene beyond as she tried to clear the misting of tears from her eyes. _You're a failure to her. Just like everyone else._

She'd always considered herself an independent person, but in reality, she was from a small, backwoods Georgia town, and she'd barely managed to set foot beyond Atlanta in all of her twenty-nine years until now. Her life trajectory had been headed towards never leaving at all until things had changed. _Atlanta _had changed. Once a refuge from her family in Loganville and the memories of childhood, the beautiful city had become as much a prison to her as the town of her youth. Running again, even further than before, had seemed better than staying and facing the massive pile of cards that were stacked against her.

Now, nearly a month in New York had gone by, and it was shaping up to be just as much of a disappointment as Atlanta. If she had hoped for even one small thing to turn in her favor, it had been Olivia.

_What a fucking joke. _Amanda thought as she shoved her phone into her pocket.

Shouldering the door open, she slid down onto the sidewalk. The weather was just turning towards the autumn season, but Amanda had hardly adjusted to the Northern temperatures. Tugging the lapels of her coat around her neck, she strode towards the brownstone ahead of her. She took the steps two at a time, and flashed her badge to the uni at the door.

"Special Vics?" He asked.

"Yeah. Where's the mother?"

"Living room. Down the hall to your left."

"Thanks."

She grabbed the front door handle, steeling herself. The woman were always the worst, the mothers especially. She'd signed herself up for a lifetime of watching the female species be abused, tortured, and killed, but it never became any easier, especially after Atlanta …after _him_...

She shook her head as though a simple rattle of her brain could dispel the memories before she stepped inside. The door fell shut behind her, locking her inside the darkened hall, and she stood there for a moment, listening to the low mumble of voices just beyond the corridor. Beneath it all, the soft whimper of a woman's voice scratched against her ears.

Her arms prickled as she took a step forward and the hardwood creaked beneath her boot. She ignored the dread in her belly, and forced herself towards the light spreading itself like beacon at the end of the hall.

When she turned the corner, the scene unfolded before her as it had a hundred times. The first time she'd witnessed a parents' distress over their missing child she'd thought to herself, _I will never see something so disturbing ever again. _As it turned out she'd been wrong about a lot back then.

"Mrs. Halstead?"

The woman on the couch glanced up with watery, bloodshot eyes, the depths of them haunting Amanda from inside her pale, gaunt face. Her thin lips trembled as she nodded slowly and clutched a tissue against her cheek.

"Hi. My name's Amanda. I'm with the Special Victims Unit."

She advanced slowly towards the couch, offering a sympathetic smile as she sat down next to the fragile woman.

"Hi." She whispered, patting away the tears that swelled without constraint from her the corners of her eyes.

"I understand your son is missing." Amanda began gently, allowing the mother to form as much of the story as possible.

"Yes. Rory. He's fourteen." Dana replied, her voice trembling as she offered her other hand to Amanda.

The school photo quaked in her fingers, and Amanda hesitated for a moment before she took it. The boy in the photo was pale like his mother, unsmiling and somber. His collar length hair had obviously been dyed deep black and his tired eyes were lined in black kohl.

"I see." She murmured, grimacing as the obvious signs of unbelonging and loneliness in the single photo. "And how long has he been gone?"

"Um… Yesterday before school he told me he was going to a friend's house to stay the night last night. He's done it plenty of times…. I know the family. It's never been a problem-" She cut off sharply with a muffled cry, and clasped the tissue over her nose and mouth. "But I think I should've known something was wrong… Right?"

"You think he left on his own?"

"He never went to Jacob's house!" Dana exclaimed, her desperate gaze flinging towards Amanda's, infused with guilt and dread. "When he didn't come home from school today I called Jacob's mother. She didn't know anything about this!"

"I understand." Amanda assured her, calmly, before pulling out her notebook. "So he's been gone since about 3 or 4 yesterday."

"Yes, his friends saw him start walking home from school, but he didn't come here."

"Okay… I'll need to speak with Jacob and his school mates. What school does he go to?"

"Manhattan High.

"And what about Rory's father?" Amanda asked, carefully, watching Mrs. Halstead's reactions with a studious eye.

Dana shook her head slowly, barely meeting Amanda's eye as she murmured, "No. He's been gone for a long time."

"Okay… Does Rory have a subway card, a credit card or anything like that?"

"A subway card, yes."

"Good. If he used it we can find out where he's going. We'll also need to track his cell, and take his laptop or computer if you have one, and we'll also check all the hospitals and precincts again." Amanda replied as she wrote down key words on the notepad. "Do you mind if I take a look at his room?"

"Yes, of course, go ahead." Dana nodded. "It's upstairs to the right."

"Thank you." Amanda said as she stood from the couch and stuffed notepad back into her pocket.

"No… thank _you._" Dana whispered, reaching up to touch her arm.

Amanda smiled tightly before she added, "My captain will be arriving soon along with one of my colleagues. We'll find Rory."

Dana nodded once more, and Amanda turned away before the pain in the woman's eyes could wind through her heart any deeper.

Heading up the stairs, she felt the air rush back into her lungs. She felt more comfortable here as she slowly opened Rory's bedroom door. There'd be pieces here, pieces of a boy who didn't quite belong, and she could fit them back together until the picture became clear again.

She stepped inside, and her blue eyes drifted across the posters of metal bands and movies. She wandered in further, examining the bookshelf full of comic books and manga, neatly organized in chronological order. She ran her fingers along the spines before pulling one out, and flipping through it. She passed over the pages of a manga that depicted two high school boys, and an abundance of sexual content. She placed it back on the shelf, and ran her thumb along the spine again.

_Poor kid. _She thought, biting her lower lip. _What are you hiding? A boyfriend? You shouldn't have to go missing to be with your boyfriend…_

She left the bookshelf and opened to closet to an array of dark colored clothing and boots covered in straps and buckles. Glancing up towards the top shelf, she grabbed one of the boxes stowed away there and pulled it down. She tore open the tape, and sifted through the stack of CDs that Rory had obviously abandoned for Spotify, finding the same taste of music that he had displayed on his walls. She nearly put the box back before she noticed the matte cover of a magazine gleaming at the bottom. She carefully extricated it though she was already certain she knew what it contained.

"Amanda?"

Olivia's voice startled her, and she jerked, her heart racing as she slapped the gay porn magazine closed.

"Jesus, you scared the fuck out of me." She snapped, tossing a glare over her shoulder as Olivia's tall figure filled the doorframe.

"Mrs. Halstead said you were up here." Olivia offered, ignoring Amanda's annoyance.

She stepped further into the room, her eyes skating over the walls just as Amanda had done, and Amanda found herself still, watching her. It was unusual to see her like this, bare-faced, hair in a messy ponytail, clad in jeans and her trench coat. The lapels were loose against her shoulders, and Amanda caught sight of the low cut t-shirt she was wearing beneath.

_Fuck._ She ripped her eyes away from the detective, cursing herself for her own thoughts when she'd just been enraged with her only half an hour ago.

"You wanna catch me up?" Olivia asked, briskly.

Her tone felt like a splash of cold water on the heat in Amanda's chest, and this time she welcomed the icy reality. There was a missing kid, and besides that, a bleak future for their relationship.

"Here." Amanda said, pulling out her notebook. "Catch yourself up."

She tossed the notebook across the room, and Olivia barely managed to catch it, her expression reading shock for a moment before she clenched her jaw against her lapsing muscles. Her dark eyes bounced between Amanda and notebook for a moment, something like a warning hiding in her eyes _\- don't test me_; _I'll bite _\- but Amanda was feeling bold and frustrated.

She turned back to the magazine, her mouth tight as she examined the worn pages, some earmarked and falling out. His one indulgence was hidden inside the closet, and the significance of that could not have troubled Amanda more.

Olivia had been quiet as she read over Amanda's notes, and the next time she spoke her voice was closer. Amanda stiffened as she felt her hovering behind her shoulder.

"What's that?" Olivia asked as Amanda lowered the magazine.

Amanda sighed and glanced up at the dark closet space again.

"Don't you ever wish parents would wake the fuck up _before _their kid is missing?"

"You're blaming Mrs. Holstead?" Olivia's tone was overtly incredulous, and Amanda rolled her eyes.

Turning around, she shoved the magazine into Olivia's hands.

"Look around, Liv. A nice house, a mother who makes good money and indulges all of this." Amanda spread her hands towards the gothic, teenage display of rebellion. "What does he have to be sad about?"

Olivia's brow furrowed and she glanced down at the magazine. She nodded slowly, silent for once.

"You think he ran off with another boy?" She asked at last. "Someone older? Or just left..?"

"I don't know yet." Amanda replied. "But I've been in this kid's shoes. Running doesn't fix shit."

She wandered past Olivia towards the bed. The sheets were thrown back and rumpled, and she sat down slowly at the edge before lying back. She stared up the ceiling, the same ceiling Rory had stared at every night as he tried to convince himself that he wasn't gay.

"You've been in his shoes." Olivia's voice finally broke the silence, and Amanda closed her eyes for a moment.

Olivia was intuitive as ever.

"Sure." She finally managed to whisper. "Misunderstood teenage seeking validation…"

Her breath trembled when she felt Olivia's presence draw closer, and her lids fluttered open to see the other woman standing above her, her eyes narrowed and intense. Amanda stared back at her, a warmth flooding her cheeks in a slow bloom. The silence lengthened almost painfully, and Amanda wanted to bolt up from the bed.

She'd come a long way since she'd been in Rory's position, but not beyond the point of caring about whether people knew she was gay or not. It wasn't something she typically announced though she'd convinced herself she wasn't hiding it, only omitting it for lack of necessity. She'd let her tongue slip in front of Olivia of all people, and she chided herself and her subconscious desire for the other detective.

Finally, Olivia broke their gazes, and glanced back done at the notebook, allowing Amanda to breathe again.

"So." Olivia murmured, tapping the notepad against her open palm. "What would you do if you were Rory then?"


	3. Chapter 3

Four am came quickly, far too quickly for time to pass when a child was missing.

The 16th hadn't stopped moving, and there was a constant hum of chaos in the background. An Amber Alert had been sent out and the shrill ringing of the phones had only worsened Olivia's headache.

_Too much damn wine earlier_. She chastised herself as she tried to focus on the street security camera footage that they had pulled from the school, and other areas nearby.

Amanda was seated across from her, her brow furrowed as she glanced between the computer and the notepad in front of her. She had taken charge of Rory's subway card history in an attempt to find repeat excursions beyond his every day transit to and from school.

Rory's computer had been transferred to TARU, and an attempt had been made to track his cell as well. So far every call they'd received had concluded with a dead end, and they'd discovered Rory's phone had been turned off or dead since about 9 pm the night before.

It all seemed useless in Olivia's tired aching mind. She wasn't used to feeling so drained, so empty of hope and determination.

_It'll get better once I interview his friends._ She kept telling herself. _Once I get out on the street. Once I do _something _besides just sit here and -_

"I'll have to talk to Rory's mom again." Amanda commented, snapping Olivia's out of her drifting thoughts.

She flinched, realizing that her head had grown heavy, and her eyes had failed to open again once she'd closed them for some relief from the headache. Amanda's tense expression was blurry in her vision as she forced her eyes open and rubbed the heels over her hands over her dry lids.

"I need to get her input on these locations." Amanda continued, although Olivia hadn't replied.

She wasn't used to spending so much time with Amanda either. In fact, she'd avoided working so closely with her as much as possible in the past few weeks, and the bitter feelings in her heart resisted any change to that pattern.

Their conversation in Rory's bedroom had upset the careful balance, and she'd felt herself slip. Amanda being gay changed nothing, she'd told herself. She could have compassion for her struggles in that area of her life without liking her as a person. The problem was she hadn't felt any compassion for her at all until this moment, and realizing that she had dehumanized another woman in her head forced the ugly sickness of self hatred into her chest so deeply that she could not shake it.

There was nothing she wanted more right now than to escape from this precinct, this woman, this job that made her so intensely self aware of how she viewed other people and herself; but she couldn't. There was a child missing, a confused kid who didn't know where to go. Surely, that had to be more important to her than her own comfort. At least, it always had been in the past.

"Hey, it looks like you could use a pick me up." Amanda said, jarring her once more.

She glanced up at Amanda's wrinkled brow, and deep, cerulean gaze, feeling a knot form in her throat. She didn't know why the younger detective wasted even so much as a breath on her, or why her efforts to seclude herself from Amanda hadn't been as efficient as she had hoped, and now she wasn't even sure that she wanted to drive her away.

"Sure." She finally muttered, pressing her fingers to her temple and directing her eyes back towards the screen.

_Anything to get you away from me._

The display seared her throbbing retinas, but she gazed steadily forward, praying that Amanda would walk away from her, even for just a moment.

"We could both use some caffeine." Amanda agreed, pushing back from the table.

Olivia cringed at the sympathetic tone, and kept her head down as Amanda passed her. She didn't see the pass of Amanda's fingers over her arm coming, and she flinched breathlessly at the casual touch. She involuntarily pulled her elbow in, glancing over her shoulder wotht a sharp reproach on her tongue, but Amanda's back was already retreating into the sea of detectives crowding the precinct. A curse sputtered to life on her tongue, but she bit it back with clenched fists and jaw.

Spinning back towards the screen, she fought the inexplicable tears which stung her eyes.

_I'm just underslept. Overworked….Need to go home and sleep…_ She resolutely told herself, pressing her eyes shut for a moment.

Her moistened lashes fluttered open when her phone pinged from her pocket, alerting her of a new message. Sniffing back the tears, she fished out her cell, and unlocked the screen. She expected a message from Fin or another detective, but when she read the name on the notification, her stomach dropped.

_1 new message_

_Elliot: You called?_

Time slowed, dragging out the hum of voices around her into white noise in her ears. She felt each thud of her heart like a hammer swinging against her ribs with every intention of breaking through the bone and flesh. She couldn't even draw the smallest breath for what felt like agonizing minutes until she was able to compute the shock. Then the emotions cascaded down, one giant avalanche which threatened to bury her forever.

The intense urge to jump up and smash her phone screen against the table overwhelmed her, and jarred up for her seat. The rolling computer chair tumbled over behind her with a crash, and she stood trembling, fighting the violence with clenched fists and tears welling in her eyes.

_Now?! Now he wants to talk? So fucking casual? How dare he-_

"Liv?" Amanda's voice shattered her the angry tirade raging in her mind.

The static quieted in her head, and she became acutely aware of the tremble in her hand, the tears brimming in her eyes, the feeling of dozens eyes boring into her back.

"Are you okay?" Amanda whispered, inching closer to her.

Olivia glanced over at her, at her wide, blue eyes and the coffee cups in both her hands.

She pursed her lips hard, flicking her gaze towards either side of them where the other detectives were slowly returning to their work.

"I'm fine…" She whispered at last, her voice quaking and raspy.

Turning, she righted the chair with shaking hands, and retrieved her coat from the back of it. Her mind was spinning as she shoved it onto her arms, and pocketed her phone.

"What are you doing?" Amanda questioned.

"I have something I need to do." Olivia replied, tossing her hair over her collar and buttoning the coat with barely controlled motions.

"Now?" Amanda asked, her brow furling as her gaze followed the mountain of work that lay before them. "What about the case? We've got a missing kid, Liv."

"I'll be back." Olivia insisted through gritted teeth, finally meeting Amanda confused gaze. "I don't need a fucking guilt trip right now, Rollins."

"Well, you need _something." _Amanda snarled suddenly, her cheeks flushed in an indignation that Olivia found far too self righteous.

"You know, Rollins, if I cared for what you thought I would've asked." She hissed before she could stop herself.

"Maybe you need a kick in the ass." Amanda ground out, slamming the coffee cups down on the table. "A good old fashioned ass whooping."

"Oh, don't you wish you could lay a finger on me?" Olivia breathed, stabbing her finger in Amanda's face.

The younger woman's face shifted into shock as the red flush of anger on her cheeks bled into the bloom of humiliation. Her mouth trembled open as though she wanted to speak, and Olivia imagined it would've been some kind of denial. Whatever she meant to say never came, and the look of horror in her eyes only became more clear with each passing second.

_Oh God, you wish you could touch me._ The realization passed through Olivia's mind with all the force of a speeding train.

She'd been so focused on Elliot that she hadn't realized that she'd inadvertently taken a dig at Amanda's sexuality and subsequently uncovered an underlying attraction. She felt her own cheeks begin to burn, and she quickly averted her eyes from Amanda's.

"Like I said... I'll be back." She managed to rasp out.

Snatching up one of the coffee cup, she spun towards the exit.

"Hey," Amanda called after her, her tone steely.

Olivia turned, narrowing her gaze to hide the shock that was still throbbing through her.

"You might need this." Amanda said, digging in her pocket.

Olivia flinched when Amanda tossed a small, white object towards her. She barely caught it, and threw Amanda a glare before she opened her palm to see the word SUGAR on the little packet.

Amanda's tone was sweet with sarcasm, and she offered Olivia a tight smile tainted with the same underlying barb, "For the bitterness."

**xxxxxx**

_Come on, don't make make me do this to you…._

Amanda stared at Olivia's empty chair, biting at one nail as the clock turned to the next minute for what felt like the hundredth time. In reality, it had been 35 minutes, and for all of those, she'd barely been able to think of something else aside from Olivia's sudden departure.

After the anger and embarrassment had dulled to a low throb in her chest, she'd realized that she should tell someone that Olivia had gone AWOL. She'd even risen from her chair, intending to find Captain Cragen and inform him that his best and brightest had disappeared into the night without so much as a word to where she was going. For ridiculous and far too emotional reasons, she'd sat back down, knowing what Olivia would face should Cragen know she'd abandoned ship in the middle of a missing child case. She'd convinced herself to give Olivia five minutes, then ten, then twenty…

Amanda was not a woman of second chances. She rarely gave someone a chance to begin with, and as each minute passed, she became increasingly frustrated and confused with herself for allowing this woman to hit her at the knees so efficiently. She'd found a perfect opportunity to retaliate, and yet she passed it up, somehow willing to extend a third and fourth chance to someone who would hardly appreciate it.

"Hey, Rollins."

Amanda started at Fin's salutation, jerking upright in the chair as he strode across the room towards her. He was balancing a laptop in one hand, and a perplexed frown marked his brow.

"What's up?" Amanda asked, struggling to even out her tone as her heart still raced.

"You know this computer stuff, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure." She replied, pushing back her own laptop and notes.

"Okay, I just spoke with TARU." He said, setting the laptop down in front of her. "They're combing through Rory's online accounts and they found a chat group that he's on pretty much 24/7."

"Chat group?" She asked, leaning forward as her interest piqued.

She pulled the laptop closer, her eyes narrowing upon the display.

"Something called Discord." Fin added.

"Flower boys." She murmured.

"Huh?"

"The name of the group." Amanda pointed towards the top of the screen. "You wanna take a stab at what that means?"

"Is that some kind of code for gay?"

"I'm guessing." Amanda said, chewing her lip as she scrolled through the messages. "He's replying to this user named yurilover123 a lot. Let me see how far back this goes."

Fin straightened, silent for a moment as she scrolled through messages, before he asked, "Where's Liv?"

Amanda halted for a second, and her gaze inadvertently flicked towards the empty chair across from her.

"Um…" She breathed, caught in indecision for half a terrifying second before she blurted out, "Bathroom. She said she'd be right back."

She pinned her eyes back on the screen, hoping that Fin would take the explanation without question. As much as she liked him, she barely knew him and how much she could trust him with.

_You barely know Olivia either._ She reminded herself with biting self derision. _Why the fuck are you covering for _her_?_

She clenched her jaw, and focused her eyes on the screen, relieved that Fin had not inquired further. She released a low, controlled breath, and continued to scroll while she waited for her heart to stop pounding.

"It looks like they first connected a little over a month ago." She said, directing the conversation away from Olivia and back to Rory's online life. "You know, Olivia and I thought maybe he ran off with another boy."

"With somebody he met online a _month_ ago?" Fin questioned. "Kids these days..."

"He feels alone. Like no one understands…" Amanda murmured, scrolling back down through the messages. "And sometimes when you meet someone it feels like they turned all the lights on…"

Fin quieted and she could feel his eyes on her. Nearby, one of the hotline phones began to ring, shrill and sharp, and his presence hovered for a moment before he strode back across the room to answer the phone. She breathed out heavily when he was gone and covered her face with her hands. Her eyes were throbbing and she rubbed them hard, wishing she could scrub away the thoughts that lay behind them.

"Amanda!" Fin's sudden shout startled her, and tore her hands from her face.

He had the phone in his band, covering the speaker with one fist, a frown twisting his brow. She jumped up from the chair, her heart racing with apprehension as she neared him.

"What is it?" She whispered, breathlessly.

"Mercy General." He replied, plunging fear even deeper into her chest. "It's Rory."


	4. Chapter 4

The street lights outside of her apartment building were shining a faint, flickering yellow along the sidewalk. Had anyone else been standing beneath the sparse illumination she might not have been able to recognize their figure in the shadows.

But she'd always been able to find Elliot.

She sat at the curb, the Crown Vic idling with a grumble in the silence while she gripped the steering wheel hard enough to bleed the blood from her knuckles. She'd expected herself to fly out of the car, trip over herself on her excitement to get to him, but faced with her sudden proximity to him she felt frozen.

Maybe, it would've been easier had she not known what he would say, the conclusion they'd drawn again and again.

_I can't be with you._

She closed her eyes, her breath trembling. She'd spent half her life pushing down fear, tears, the possibility of weakness. She knew she could could pull it together for the agonizing minutes it would take to complete this task. In the end, her closure and peace of mind had always become just that - a task, a job to be finished and put in the past - to her and to everyone else.

Opening her eyes, she released a low, controlled exhale. Uncurling her fingers from the wheel, she twisted the key out of the ignition. Silence settled around, save for the beating of her own heart, the husky exhale of her breath.

Her hands were quaking, but she could feel it coming - the numbness, the compartmentalization of things she'd rather not feel, the aching acception of unhappiness that she'd learned so well. This was how her life was, and always would be.

Gritting her teeth, she threw back her seatbelt and shoved the door open. She was striding across the street, shoulders squared, eyes narrowed before she could second guess herself. She assessed his posture at her door like she would profile a criminal, seeking his hidden intent with an unflinching gaze. She'd flinched in front of him before, far too many times. She couldn't afford to do it again now.

His grey blue eyes lifted, finding hers in the lamplight, and she had to force herself to meet his gaze, fight the urge to lose her breath. He wasn't going to knock her off her feet tonight.

"I didn't think you'd come." He said, and the sound of his voice so familiar in her ears was almost too much to bear.

"Oh really?" She asked, scrounging up each bitter thought she'd had since receiving his message, as she focused on unlocking the front door. "I'm not the one who decided to leave without a goodbye."

She wrenched the key in the lock, and forcefully pushed the door open before his hand stopped her. She glanced down at his fingers on her arm, that grip so certain and unyielding. He rarely faltered, even now in the face of her disgust.

"Hey." His tone was quiet, almost kind, but she could hear the frustration.

She pursed her lips, glancing slowly up at him.

"Kathy doesn't know you're here…" She whispered in direct, husky tone, "does she?"

His eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, but he finally glanced away with a shake of head.

"Of course not."

"How predictable." She murmured, turning her gaze back towards the front door as she pulled away from his grip.

He followed her inside, and her stomach lurched at the familiar pattern of his footsteps behind hers on the way to her apartment. They'd stopped here so many times - in between shifts, in between duties, in between fights. She'd let him invade her personal space and make it their only escape, but his home had never been hers. No, that idyllic five bedroom house in Queens was like another world, and in that world existed a woman too patient and kind to have been a victim to her husband's infidelity. Somehow, Olivia had found something more like pity than hatred for Kathy Stabler, and here at the end of things, something like solidarity.

She bit back bitter tears as she reached her apartment door, and her hands trembled as she fumbled for her keys. In the dark, through her tears, she could barely make out which one was which before the whole ring slipped from her uncoordinated grip.

"Damnit." She hissed under her breath, beginning to bend, but Elliot was quicker.

He scooped the keys up from the ground before she could make the same gesture, and they straightened in unison, gazes locked. She stared at him for a moment before making a move to snatch them back from him. With precise reflexes he ducked his hand away from hers, holding the keys up at his shoulder in a position that would be too awkward to grab for again.

"I've got it." He offered, gesturing to the lock.

She clenched her jaw and stepped back, resisting the raw, volatile anger inside her that wished to scream and shove him with all her might. But she'd done that before, and little had come of it besides a sore throat and feeling of pathetic shame.

She watched him deftly unlock the door, and motion for her to step in ahead of him.

"Thank you." She muttered, stepping past him as a much different response echoed in her mind behind the spoken one.

_Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid, ingrained chivalry. Fuck your "family values" and Catholic bullshit._

She'd had all these thoughts and more so many times before when entering her apartment as they did now, though she wouldn't dare to hope that it would end where it had in the past - with her bent over her couch, her pants bunched around her knees, his hands firm and lustful around her hips. Their relationship had always been tumultuous, verging on collapse at every second, but the churning of her stomach no longer forewarned the excitement of doing something they shouldn't. The nausea twisting her insides to knots and the sweat lining her flesh beneath her shirt were but harbingers of danger and heartbreak.

The door shut behind her, and for a moment she couldn't turn and look at him. How could she so simply watch him exist inside her apartment again, knowing that it might be the last time?

"Did you get my gift?" Elliot asked softly.

She pressed her eyes shut, her hands curling into fists at her sides.

"Semper Fi." She whispered, her voice escaping on a raspy note from her trembling lips.

Tilting her head back, she opened her eyes and stared upwards as she tried to control the emotion battering her strongholds.

"Liv." He murmured, his footsteps drawing near.

She steeled herself as his hand touched her arm again, resisting his nudge for her to turn and face him. She knew she had to at some point. She _demanded_ that he give her the dignity of an explanation, but she hadn't imagined that it would be so unbearable facing him and the truth. She was the other woman, and she always had been. Nothing more and nothing less.

"Listen to me," Elliot insisted in her ear. "I love you. I always have in some way or another."

She pulled her arm out of his grip as the bitter pain of his words cut deep into her chest. Even in their most passionate moments he'd never had the courage to say that to her, nor the balls to admit that at times it was more than what he had with his own wife. Now, he'd pacify her with some watered down version of the truth, and expect her to be grateful for it?

"Should I fall down on my knees and kiss your feet now?" She snapped, spinning around to glare at him with a fiery, watery gaze.

"What? No." His reply was indignant, and she could already see the frustration building itself up into tight knots in his shoulders.

"You bastard." She whispered, her jaw locked up as tight as his fists.

They were already hurtling towards dangerous ground, and she knew it could end much worse than it ever had before, but she didn't care. He needed to know how he'd hurt her more than anyone ever had. He needed to listen to every venomous word and accusation until he finally took responsibility. God knew he never had. The blame had always landed on her shoulders, and sat there even now, weighing her down with dark and insidious chains.

"What do you want, Liv?" Elliot snapped, throwing out his hands. "You called. I came. What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to admit that you're a coward." Her voice rose to a broken shout as she stabbed her finger at him, trembling with indignation and heartache. "I want you to say that I didn't deserve what you did to me. I want to hear that you loved me, more than you ever loved her, but you weren't man enough to treat either of us right!"

In the darkness of the apartment his expression seemed etched of stone, unmovable, untouchable. Nothing she could say could possibly change reality, and yet as he stared back her, silent and unyielding, she prayed for the rocky edges of his brow and jaw to cave. She wished she'd see some essence of familiarity, but he'd cut himself off from her. He'd decided what he was going to do, and the distinct feeling that this would be the last time she ever saw him planted itself inside her head.

"You know I can't do that." He finally replied, his stormy eyes holding hers as he completed her fears.

She felt herself crumbling, the air escaping from her lungs beneath the weight of devastation.

"Oh my God…" She whispered, turning away as the dizzy, numbing sensations spread up her chest and face.

Clasping her hand over her face, she swayed on her feet. Everything that had been real and good for the past 12 years of her life was crashing down around her, while the understanding that she had been little more than plaything rose to engulf her.

"Liv…"

When he touched her shoulder, she recoiled, her stomach nearly revolting against her. Spinning around, she slammed her hands into the solid wall of his chest, and released a ragged sob.

"Get away from me." She seethed, her hair flung wildly in her face as stray tears raged in her eyes.

Shock washed across his face as she jostled him backwards. His hands were lifted in surrender because a man like him knew the consequences of returning the violent gesture. He wouldn't raise a hand to her, but in the moment, she could not find the morality to care. She shoved him again, then again and again, until he was backed against the wall, his eyes flickering with anger. His restraint was tenuous, and she could see him barely holding onto it with clenched fists and jaw. She could feel it beneath her palms where she'd pinned him, holding him down like he'd done to her a thousand times.

_Good_. She thought, vengefully. _Maybe now he'll know how I feel._

"I think it would be a good idea if you let me go." He managed at last, his tone strung tight like a rubber band ready to snap. "Right now."

She stared back him, and for the first time in what felt like her entire life, he looked like a stranger.

"I don't know who you are." She whispered, her hands weakening at his chest until they slid limply to her sides.

He seemed as if he wanted to respond for a second, but then he slipped away from the wall, leaving her to gaze at the empty space where he had been.

His footsteps retreated towards the door, and she could see him hesitate, his hand on the knob. She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't watch him leave. Not like this. Not when their closure had always gotten lost somewhere between I love you and goodbye.

"Liv."

She opened her eyes at the sound of his voice, but she couldn't look over at him. She knew what he was going to tell her before he even opened his mouth.

"We can't do this again."

Her eyes burned, and she sank forward against the wall, the plaster cold against her palms. He waited for her to speak an agreement, but she wouldn't give him that satisfaction. Finally, when her silence grew too heavy for either of them to bear, he opened the door. In seconds, the wall was vibrating beneath her fingers as the door slammed shut behind him; then he was gone. Again. Forever.

**xxxxxxxx**

The boy in the bed didn't look like Rory.

Surely, the horrors that had befallen the person lying in the Mercy General Hospital would not befall a 14 year old, especially the one that reached into Amanda's heart and held on for dear life for the past seven hours.

_Are you sure? _Amanda wanted to ask the doctor once more even as she held Rory's subway card in her hand. The plastic, laminated edges were worn, cutting into her palm as she clenched her fingers tight around the evidence.

But the doctor had been gone for several minutes, leaving her and Fin to stand over the frail figure with the knowledge that another life had been irreparably damaged on their watch. At least, that was how Amanda saw it.

_Multiple lacerations and contusions._ The doctor's words echoed in her head. _Concussion. Fractured nose._ _Evidence of sexual assault-_

"We should call his mother."

Fin had been silent next to her, and his softly spoken suggestion rattled Amanda's barely composed concentration.

She swallowed the knot in her throat before whispering, "We don't need her consent to talk to him."

"She needs to know we found her son."

Amanda pressed her eyes shut for a second before sinking down on the hard, vinyl chair behind her.

The truth was she wanted nothing to do with telling that poor woman that her son had beaten, raped, and found sobbing on the wrong side of the Brooklyn Bridge's railing. She could hardly even fathom the thought of saying the words out loud without losing what was left of her dinner and the two cups of coffee that lingered in her stomach. She'd seen crime in Atlanta, more than she cared to admit, but maybe she hadn't been prepared for the certain type of brutality that New York City offered.

_Or maybe…_ She involuntarily wondered. _He permanently damaged you forever…._

"I'll make the call." Fin decided when she remained slumped in the chair.

He turned and exited the room, allowing the bustle and hum of the hospital to flood inside for a moment before the heavy door fell shut again.

Amanda's lids flickered open, and she reached up to quickly dash away the tear that clung to her lower lashes.

"Who...who are you?" Rory's voice was raspy, startling her.

She glanced up quickly to see his pale, bruised face tilted in her direction. His swollen eyes were barely slits in his face, but she could hardly stand the innocent gaze.

She sat forward, and pulled her badge from her pocket. She showed it to him with a forced a smile.

"My name's Amanda. I'm with the police, Rory. You're in Mercy General Hospital."

His throat bobbed sharply, and his brow furrowed beneath the gauze which encircled his head like a puffy, white halo.

"Do you remember what happened?" She asked, doing her best to ignore the aching throb in her chest.

His dry, cracked lips tightened and he turned his face towards the ceiling. He lay there silent and stiff, a corpse of his former self, a barely re-animated shell. If the passing cyclist hadn't noticed him hanging off the side of the bridge he would be dead without a doubt, and in the moment, Amanda could hardly blame him for wanting such a merciful end.

"Rory." Amanda whispered, rising from the chair.

She approached him tentatively, and gripped the metal railing at the side of the bed to control the tremble which had taken over her fingers.

"I found your Discord chat." She finally continued. "I know you were talking to a boy. I know you're gay."

He flinched, a quick, visceral reaction that seemed to pain the injuries inflicted to his face and body. He tilted his head further away from her, and she could see the tear slipping down his cheek.

"It's okay." She murmured, reaching to gently touch his arm. "I understand."

He tucked his arm away from, seeming to fold into himself even further.

"I know it doesn't feel like anyone understands, but believe it or not I've been in your shoes." Amanda murmured, despite his resistance.

His posture remained rigid for a moment before glanced over at her slowly. The mangled state of his young face struck her again, and she clenched her jaw, taking in a deep breath through her nose.

"That's right." She whispered, reaching deep for a reassuring smile. "You don't have to hide with me. We're on the same team."

He blinked slowly for a moment, and she could see him processing her words and the understanding that he was safe. Then, his expression crumpled.

"You're okay…" Amanda murmured the reassurance, reaching to rub his arm again as a sob slipped from his lips. She wondered who was reassuring more - herself or Rory.

"They tricked me." He whimpered at last. "They pretended to be someone online, and I...I thought…"

Amanda's heart beat faster with a rush of anger, and she yanked out her notebook. Flipping through the pages, she found the note she'd made about the Discord chat before the phone call had come from Mercy General.

"Yurilover123?" She asked when she had found the scribble.

Rory nodded, tears escaping those swollen, sad eyes.

"He told me he went to my school, and I started getting notes in my locker." He sobbed. "I thought maybe I'd found someone who actually understood…. Then, they started saying we should meet…"

"In the notes in the locker?" Amanda asked, trembling in rage that whoever had assaulted Rory had been smart enough to keep the location untraceable.

Rory nodded, choking in halting breaths. Reaching down, Amanda took his hand, and squeezed.

"Do you know who they are?" She whispered, holding his watery gaze.

His mouth quaked, tears slipping down his black and blue cheek, but he nodded, his fingers clenching around Amanda's

"Tell me, Rory." Amanda urged, her body churning hot for justice. "Tell me who did this to you."


	5. Chapter 5

It felt like hours since Olivia had left the precinct, and days since she had slept. Exhaustion and agony seemed to vibrate into every inch of flesh and bone in her body as she trudged up the front steps and to the elevator of the 16th.

Once inside, she sank against the wall, and tilted her head back as the carriage began to sway under her. Holding onto the railing, she barely held herself steady as the elevator chugged steadily upwards. She'd barely contemplated the consequences of her actions until this moment, and even now, it was hard to focus on anything but the emotional pain.

_Ding! _The elevator cheerily chimed, and her burning, puffy eyes jarred open.

The door groaned open in front of her, and she balked at the sight of the precinct ahead of her. She had no desire to walk into her place of work in her present state of distress but she had no other choice. She'd already abandoned her post for an unapproved, ill advised excursion, and she could not simply go MIA for the rest of the evening - or rather, morning.

Light had begun to touch the sky as she'd traversed back towards downtown, and as she had stared up at the golden clouds, she'd wondered what a new day could possibly hold. What good could possibly come of this morning, birthed from such a treacherous night?

Drawing a deep breath, she pushed away from the wall, and ducked her chin. She marched ahead, preparing what she'd say to Amanda in her head, but when she entered the squad room, it was eerily silent. She came to stand at the entrance of the room, and the silvery letters on the wall which spelled out _Manhattan Special Victims Unit _presided over her with unquestionable judgment. A phone rang shrilly, but there was no one to answer it.

The frantic commotion that had filled the room upon her departure was gone, and Olivia's heart began to sink. There was only one reason that the team of investigators would have left, and Olivia knew instantly that they'd found Rory. The question of whether he was dead or alive churned her stomach into a pit of dread, and the reality of how selfish she'd been by abandoning him dawned fully upon her without an ounce of mercy.

Numbly, she wandered past the abandoned desks towards the round table. Amanda's laptop was still open, her notes and pen tossed aside as though she'd left in a hurry. Rory's school photo glared back at her from the center of their workspace with eyes full of sadness and fear. She sank down to the chair, and grabbed the photo with a trembling hand, grasping her aching forehead with her other hand.

_What am I doing? _She asked herself.

Her lids quavered shut over burgeoning tears, and her shoulders began to shudder as the whole weight of the previous hours collapsed upon her. A raw, aching sob interrupted the silence, and she dropped the picture to clasp her hand over her contorted lips.

Even in solitude, she couldn't let herself shatter. She'd shed enough tears for herself to last a lifetime, but not a single one for Rory. What had become of her passion for the victims or her compassion for the downtrodden? She'd lost her way somewhere between loneliness and the false illusion of love.

The minutes ticked by, passing unnoticed until she found herself slumped over the table, her tears collecting into cold pools on the surface beneath her face. The paths from which they'd fallen were dried upon her cheeks and consciousness came and went until the presence of another human being startled her back to full awareness.

She sat up at the sound of the elevator opening and footsteps in the hall. In her disorientation, she couldn't make out words, but she recognized Fin and Amanda's voices as they drew closer.

She sat you quickly, and scrubbed her hands over her face, her heart pounding. She didn't want to turn and face them, though she knew it was inevitable.

Amanda's voice halted abruptly, mid sentence, and Olivia knew she'd been seen. She clutched the arms of the chair, trying to convince herself to stand up and present some sort of composed appearance; but Amanda's chastisement was quicker.

"Benson." Her tone was sharp, and the sound of her boots hitting the floor, clipped and decisive, converged upon her. "What the hell?"

Olivia clenched her jaw, her fingers cinching tighter around the arms of the chair as Amanda loomed over her. Her full, pouting lips were drawn tight in displeasure, her soft brows coiled into a deep frown, and her eyes - her kind, sparkling, cerulean eyes - were dark as a sky which warned of thunder. The lightning that followed soon after was sure to sting and burn.

"Where were you? It's been…." She consulted her watch sarcastically, "almost four hours."

Olivia stared at the whiteboard ahead of her, unable to lift her eyes. All she could do was hope to God she wouldn't cry in front of the younger detective, the one she'd labeled as inexperienced and ineffective.

"Jesus." Amanda breathed. "I _covered _for you, you know, and you can't even give me an answer. I think I deserve one this time."

Olivia ducked her head, and pressed her eyes shut, pursed her lips, tried not scream with the agony that invaded every cell and particle of her body. She knew Amanda was right. Maybe, she'd been right all along, but how was she supposed to stand up and admit that?

"Wow." Amanda commented, her tone biting and disgusted. "Just… wow."

Olivia felt a tear slip from her eye as Amanda turned away and began to gather her laptop and notes from the desk. She could feel the enraged energy rolling off of the other woman in waves, and she felt like she drowning in it. Somehow, it made her just want to fling herself into those ocean eyes, and accept her fate.

"You're right." The words croaked from her throat, and when Amanda spun towards her, she met the roiling sea head-on.

_Please, I don't know how to swim_. She thought as Amanda stared her down, seemingly struck mute with shock by Olivia's agreement.

They stared at each other for what felt like minutes, and Olivia wanted to crumple down into the desk again, but she supposed Amanda's judgemental, unflinching gaze was just the beginning of her punishment - and it was time to stop running from it.

At last, Amanda broke their gazes, and grabbed her black, leather shoulder bag, and began to shove her laptop inside.

"Well, if you care, Rory's at Mercy Hospital." She said, her voice trembling beneath the anger and indignation.

Olivia's stomach dropped once more at the mention of Rory and his condition. She could at least absolve herself with the fact that he was alive, but after nearly fifteen years on the job she knew that just because someone was alive did not mean they weren't damaged beyond repair. In some ways, she believed there were fates worse than death, and she did not want to imagine that a teenage boy had become a victim of one of those fates - or that she was responsible for it.

"Is...is he okay?" She asked, breathlessly, as the desperation finally pushed her out of the chair.

She was reaching out for Amanda's arm in supplication before she could stop herself, and Amanda seemed to freeze beneath her at the contact, her hands poised over the zipper of her bag.

Her eyes flicked upwards, and Olivia found herself close enough to make out the nuances of her blue irises and the dilation of her pulsing pupils. The last time they'd been this close, only hours before when Amanda had suggested she needed little more than ass beating, Olivia had felt an overwhelming attraction that she'd quickly dismissed - or rather, hoped to dismiss. This time, all she saw was repulsion.

She slowly released Amanda's arm, and clenched her tingling fingers into a fist. The strike of that lightning hadn't failed to sear her flesh. She'd only prayed it'd be a little more kind.

"He's the victim of a hate crime. He was beaten and raped by multiple boys from his school." Amanda bit out the words, her lips curled in disgust. "A cyclist found him hanging off the side of a bridge trying to kill himself. Is that what you wanted?"

"N-no…" Olivia whispered, tears rising quickly in her eyes, and she clutched her hand over her chest as the pain there deepened to an unbearable measure. "Never."

"Well, you sure as hell didn't do anything to stop it." Amanda snapped, roughly yanking her bag over shoulder before she turned on her heel.

She strode across the room, and Olivia's wide, watery gaze followed her until she shouldered her way past Fin. His typically cool, composed expression was wrought with shock and concern, and Olivia immediately felt even more humiliated than before.

"Oh, god…" She barely whispered, turning away from him, and clasping her hands over her face.

Long, painful seconds passed, her breathing was loud in her ears, until the sound of a new voice speaking her name intruded upon her panicked delirium.

"Olivia."

It was the Captain.

Her heart stuttered over a beat, and she scraped her hands away from her face. She fisted her fingers at her side, her jaw working as she tried to gather the courage to turn and face him.

"Fin, go home." She heard Cragen address the other detective in a quieter tone.

Pressing her knuckles against the table, she leaned hard on the surface until she heard Fin's footsteps retreat without resistance.

The ass whooping that Amanda had vehemently wished upon her was about to become a reality, and as much as she hated Cragen regarding her with anything but a kind eye, she knew she deserved more than he'd ever want to punish her with. He'd still find some way to be kind, even when she'd fucked up beyond forgiveness.

She listened to the elevator doors shutting, then the whirring of the cables as it whisked Fin to the floor below. They were alone.

"Liv, come in my office." Cragen spoke after a moment of silence, a barely recognizable apprehension lining his voice - but she heard it all the same.

Then his footsteps retreated, and she had no choice but to follow.

**xxxxxxxx**

Amanda hadn't been in New York City long enough to have a go-to bar, but a quick Google search brought up a dozen or more options from which to choose.

Logically, she knew that after such a harrowing night she should go home and sleep; but rest wouldn't kill this restlessness inside of her. Dreams couldn't begin to touch the nightmare of the past few hours, and neither could they erase Olivia from her mind.

So she did what she always did when she wanted to escape. She placed herself firmly at a barstool, drink in hand, eyes trained on the game playing on the TV above. She tried to forget it all in exchange for the bad habits she'd sworn to leave in Atlanta.

She'd tried so hard to be a good girl for the past three weeks in hopes of changing the destructive path her life seemed to have taken, but it didn't come as easy as it once had. She didn't miss much about Georgia, but right about now she was terribly missing the local dives where she could hide amongst the civilians and away from the typical cop hangouts. She'd taken a perverse pleasure in dressing in plainclothes, ditching her tin and taking up a stool between folks like a truck driver or a farmer, who didn't care whether she was worth her salt in a tactical situation or not. They'd try in vain to sweet talk her, plying her with drinks and flatteries until she slipped through their fingers with a demure smile.

Sitting alone at the bar in New York City, Amanda got the feeling that no such camaraderie would be found here. The people here bustled by, too quickly to remember, talking on their cells and ignoring whoever happened to be close by. The service was quick and polite, but no one lingered.

Amanda's mood grew increasingly grim as she sipped at her drink and distractedly watched the baseball game that seemed to drag on forever. It wasn't her favorite sport. She preferred football and the horse races, and she wasn't even in a betting mood tonight. Olivia had effectively sucked every ounce of compulsion and concentration from her bones.

_And Rory…_

She cringed as his bruised, broken face crossed her mind, and swallowed back another gulp of her whiskey.

She couldn't help but bitterly - and maybe, illogically - think that if Olivia hadn't abandoned the investigation things would be different.

She felt so stupid for her juvenile fascination of Benson, when all she had to go on was her statistics and reputation. She'd entertained the ridiculous crush for far too long upon realizing just how tall and beautiful she was in real life. Newspaper articles and TV clips didn't do much justice to her stunning appearance, but now Amanda supposed they didn't do much justice to her attitude either.

_Time to get over it_. She told herself, tossing back the last of her drink.

She was contemplating adding to her tab when the decision was abruptly made for her.

"Another one for her, the same for me."

Amanda spun when Olivia's voice shattered her loop of bitter thoughts and she stuttered over a proper response as the very woman of her thoughts sat down on the stool next to her. She'd tied her hair back at her nape, and the fall wind had whisked a few strands from the binding to frame her flushed cheeks. Most of her make up had been smeared off, and Amanda could see the red rimming her eyes and blotching her nose her and cheeks.

"What are you doing here, Benson?" She asked, ignoring the distant instinct to sympathize.

Whatever trouble she'd gotten herself into with Cragen was well-deserved, and Amanda reminded herself that she should've disclosed Olivia's disappearance to him immediately.

"Is it a crime to have a drink at a bar?" Olivia asked before accepting the drink from the waiter with a soft thanks.

Amanda scoffed as a fresh drink was placed in front of her. The fact that Olivia was buying her a drink was ridiculously amusing in an odd way. A few days ago, if Olivia had bought her a drink, she would've been giddy with happiness and more than a little head over heels. Now, it was just laughable.

"There's at least ten bars like a mile from here." Amanda returned, annoyed. "Please, don't tell me this is a coincidence."

"Maybe." Olivia said, simply, sipping her drink. "But we're here now, and I think I owe you an apology."

Amanda glanced over quickly, surprised at Olivia's soft tone and her sudden willingness to admit how wrong she'd been.

_Don't get too excited. _She told herself, snidely, hoping to slow the skip and stutter of her heart in her chest.

"Is this because Cragen came down on you?" She asked, snatching up the drink.

"Yes and no." Olivia replied, surprising Amanda once more with her honesty. "I'm taking a week to 'think about my actions'. Unpaid."

"Wow." Amanda finally replied, attempting to keep an even, disinterested tone. "Maybe you did just need an ass whooping."

Olivia scoffed, but didn't protest. She was quiet for another moment although Amanda could sense the words crowding behind her lips.

"I think you need to understand that this squad is like family." Olivia said, slowly at last, "We've all worked together for many years. I guess, this is the first time we've had to deal with change."

"You keep saying _we_." Amanda interrupted, "But so far you're the only person who I've had a problem with. Munch and Fin have been great, they've even stood up for me. But _you…_." She glanced away and stared down at her drink with a cynical chuckle, "Not what I expected from New York's Finest."

Olivia nodded, slowly, gazing down at the bar.

"You're right." She murmured. "My behavior has been less than…. desirable."

Amanda glanced up, slightly taken aback. Olivia had offered an apology, but her complete admission of wrongdoing caught Amanda off guard.

"I'm sure you know about Elliot by this point." Olivia said at last, her fingers wrapping tightly around her glass.

"Yeah, your partner." Amanda replied as she gathered her composure.

"Yes." Olivia affirmed, pausing for a moment, her lips pursing. "We were together for twelve years."

Amanda shifted on the stool, suddenly uncomfortable with the depth of emotion in Olivia's tone. She knew they'd been close, but something about the way that Olivia spoke and the look in her eyes told Amanda that there was much more to this story than a workplace bond.

"That's a long time." Amanda nodded, keeping her tone neutral although she could sense where the topic was headed.

"That's longer than you've been on the job." Olivia pointed out, her voice hardening against sudden tears. "There were days when all we saw were each other's face. Nights when we couldn't go home… So I made a mistake. The stupidest mistake you can make when it comes to a married man."

_Jesus Christ. _Amanda thought, staring at the woman next to her. _He did a number on you._

Olivia's typically straight shoulders were hunched, her unfaltering expression of confidence crumbled beneath heartache and shattered dreams. With her hands clenched around glass of whiskey, she was barely keeping her emotions in check.

"You deserve to know why I have acted the way I have." Olivia whispered. "But the truth is, you can't possibly understand."

"I think I have a pretty good idea."

Olivia laughed, a soft, mirthless tone, "An idea...and nothing more."

Silence bloomed between them, and the hum of the patrons and the cheering the the TV filled the space for a long minute while Amanda tried to wrap her mind around the new information. She was floored by the entire conversation and extremely aware of how intimately detailed it was becoming. She'd wanted an explanation for Olivia's behavior, and perhaps this made the most sense, but it still didn't excuse what had happened last night.

"I just want you to understand that it's been hard for me to accept this." Olivia finally said. "When I look over, I still expect to see him sitting there. Instead….it's you."

"Okay." Amanda replied after a moment as she massaged one aching temple. "Say I accept that. What about tonight?"

Olivia hardly looked up at her, letting the silence drag on until Amanda was ready to ask a second time. Finally, she shifted and slipped her hand into coat pocket. She pulled out the NYPD badge and tossed it down between them. It spun around on it's leather back for a moment before twirling slowly to a stop in front of Amanda.

She flicked a confused gaze in Olivia's direction, before slowly picking it up. She rubbed her thumb over the silver face, noting that the badge number did not match Olivia's - or any of the other detectives for that matter.

"Semper Fi." Olivia whispered with a scoff before she took a long drink of the whiskey.

"This was Elliot's?" Amanda gathered, placing the badge hesitantly back on the table.

She felt like she was holding something intimate and breakable, like she was invading Olivia's privacy; but she supposed she'd already done that by forcing this conversation.

"He sent it to me a few weeks after he put in his papers." Olivia replied, her eyes following the baseball game above as though she were simply commenting on the pitcher's form; but underneath each syllable was raw and scratchy. "I'd been calling him over and over again, but he never answered. Not until last night."

She still hadn't retrieved the badge. It sat on the counter between them, slowly losing it's shimmer until it stared back at Amanda like an abomination.

"So he said 'jump'…" Amanda trailed off quietly.

"And I said how high." Olivia finished with a weary sigh. "Another stupid mistake."

She shook her head, and took another long drink of the whiskey, grimacing as the liquid went down. Amanda watched her, her throat bobbing gently up and down, her full lips trembling, and the vulnerability of the woman in front of her seized her with an unceasing grip.

All along she'd thought that Olivia had formed the wrong impression of her, but with the truth of Elliot's departure coming to light, Amanda was beginning to wonder if she was the one who hadn't had all the facts. She'd been the victim of man's ruthless ego more than once, and despite the way Olivia had treated her, she could not help but feel pity when she looked at her now.

Without a word, she reached over and slid her hand over Olivia's wrist. Guiding her hand away from the glass, she intertwined their fingers and gave her a squeeze. Olivia's hand was stiff beneath her own for a second, and Amanda glanced up to meet her untrusting and suspicious gaze.

"I'm sorry." Amanda murmured, giving her hand a second squeeze.

Olivia brow wrinkled and she glanced away, but not before Amanda could see the gleam of tears in her eyes.

"Yeah." She whispered, huskily, at last, "Me too."

Her hand slipped quickly away from Amanda's, shattering what small bit of intimacy that had formed between their clasped palms. She stood from the stool, taking Elliot's badge with her, and threw back the last sip of her drink. Her hands were trembling as she rifled through her pockets for a few dollar bills and tossed them on to the bar top.

Amanda watched her, her hand tingling in the wake of short embrace. She wanted terribly to stop her, pull her back into her seat, and explain she'd wanted to have her back from the beginning, but the words stayed nestled in her throat, too afraid to see the light of day: and as Olivia escaped from her, disappearing into the fragile morning light, Amanda wondered if they ever would.


	6. Chapter 6

There'd been times over the past month that Amanda has intensely wished that Olivia Benson did not exist in her universe, and moments where she'd believed she'd be much happier without the other woman in her life. After the Rory Halstead case, she'd thought that those feelings would only intensify. It only taken one drink at a bar and one week of separation to bleach that imagination from her mind.

She was shocked at how quickly she'd subconsciously forgiven Olivia for what she'd deemed the unforgivable, and despite her and Olivia's rocky start, the week of Olivia's suspension dragged on, unbearably slow. Her absence meticulously carved holes into Amanda's every thought, and dug it's way to her heart. She'd find herself glancing towards Olivia's desk, expecting to see here there; or pick up the phone with the intention of asking her opinion on some piece of evidence or another. As much as she loathed to admit it SVU was not the same without Olivia Benson.

She could not put her from her mind, and the more she tried to stop thinking about it, the worse it became. She mulled over her and Olivia's conversation in the bar for what felt like a hundred times, trying to find the moment where Olivia had accepted her olive branch of hand holding, but she couldn't. She knew she was deluding herself. That short intertwining of their fingers may be the first and last time she was ever so close to Olivia, and she should be happy with the apology and explanation of her behavior.

_A professional relationship should be enough_, she told herself. _Anything more would be a foolish daydream. _

Still, the day that Olivia was scheduled to return to work, Amanda found herself especially motivated to clock in. She arrived early, two cups of coffee balanced on the cardboard tray. She'd picked up the drinks from a cafe down the street that she knew Olivia frequented, and after tasting her own, she deduced that she had excellent taste.

She placed Olivia's drink on her desk, and took a seat, her heart racing shallowly in her chest. The last time she'd gotten coffee for Olivia they'd ended up at each other's throats with Olivia landing a far too poignantly placed barb right in her jugular.

_Oh, don't you wish you could touch me?_ The sound of Olivia's voice and the flushed, incensed look upon her face was intimately seared into Amanda mind as was the following expression of shock as they both felt the impact of those words.

_Yes, yes I do…_ The honest truth would never see the light of day, but as Amanda watched Olivia's desk that morning, she imagined what might happen if it did.

Her mind wandered away from her to an alternate universe where Olivia was trapping her against the wall, her body and warm and plush, ripe for tasting. Her breath would be sweet and minty, her lips pink and hungry; and when her fingers slipped down the front of Amanda's jeans it would be the most gentle torture she'd ever felt, the most intense pleasure she'd-

"What's this?"

Amanda started, gasping aloud as Olivia's brash tone interrupted the explicit scenario galavanting through her mind, unbridled. She nearly knocked over her cup of coffee in the midst of the scare, her heart pounding until her cheeks were burning red.

"Christ." Amanda cursed, breathlessly, clutching her chest. "You scared me."

Olivia brow rose as she took in Amanda's reaction with a bemused expression.

"I didn't mean to." She replied as she laid her coat of the back of her chair, and sat down.

Amanda's heart barely slowed as she regained her composure enough to inspect Olivia's appearance. The sight of her felt like water on a parched mouth - or in Amanda's case, a much different set of hungry lips. The cowl neck of the beige, cashmere sweater hung in low, shifting folds just above her breasts, teasing Amanda's mind as though Olivia had put it on just for her. Her long, voluminous hair was barely contained in the clip at the back for her head, and the tousled tresses were already escaping the teeth. With one little pinch of the hair piece, every strand would come tumbling down around her jaw and neck-

"What's this?" Olivia repeated, startling Amanda with the same words a second time.

"Um, I… They accidently gave me two." Amanda stuttered with a shrug. "I figured why not take it? They were just gonna throw it away anyways."

She'd planned on being truthful, and offering Olivia the coffee in return for the drink she'd bought her at the bar. With Olivia staring her down, however, her courage withered to nothing.

Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly, and she turned the cup around as though inspecting it for the validity of Amanda's answer. Amanda watched her, hardly able to breathe as Olivia took a slow sip and savored it in her mouth before swallowing.

"English toffee, two creams, two sugars." She commented at last, licking a small drop off from her upper lip. "You drink your coffee black, Rollins."

"I…." Amanda choked, a second flush rising on her cheeks, and throbbing through her chest and neck.

"Look, Amanda." Olivia interrupted her, her tone guarded with a strain of weariness flowing underfoot. "I think we can both agree we got off on the wrong foot, but I can buy my own coffee… okay?"

Amanda blinked quickly, her mouth falling open at Olivia's solid rejection. A week of suspension and proper punishment certainly hadn't dulled the sharp bite of her tongue nor the impact that it had on Amanda's fledging desires for a friendship (or something more).

"I… I was just trying to be nice." Amanda finally replied in an indignant whisper. "After what you told me, I -"

"Forget what I told you." Olivia cut her off, coldly. "It's nothing we need to talk about ever again."

She flipped open her laptop, and began to sign into the NYPD database without a second glance at Amanda's flabbergasted expression.

_Rude, dismissive, ungrateful_ _bitch._ The words were at the tip of Amanda's tongue, her heart racing with renewed vehemence.

She'd spent all week fantasizing about the possibility of a working relationship with Olivia -and other less proper things- only to be shot down and trampled within seconds of Olivia's return. It was as if their conversation in the bar had never even happened. Or, at least, that was how Olivia seemed to want it. She was straight back to condescending to and invalidating Amanda at every turn.

"What is your problem?" The accusation flew from Amanda's lips before she could stall the urge to snap.

Olivia's shoulders tensed, and her jaw clenched as she stared steadfastly at the computer screen for a long, unbearable moment.

"What's _my _problem?" She finally replied in a strained tone, her dark gaze lifting with a stormy warning in the taut sneer of her lips.

"Yes." Amanda breathed, her heart racing shallowly in her chest with adrenaline, a mixture of anger and anxiety, indignation and disappointment.

Olivia stared back at her, silent and steaming, as though she could hardly believe Amanda's gull. In truth, neither could Amanda, but she couldn't take it back now, and the idea of giving Olivia a taste of her own bitter medicine was far too appealing to deny.

Amanda shoved up from her desk, trembling from head to toe with the rush of enraged epinephrine.

"I came in here with nothing but a cooperative, positive attitude and you've done nothing but ignore me or patronize me!" She continued, stabbing her finger against the desk. "I even offered my adoration and you _barely _acknowledged that!"

"This isn't a daycare, Rollins." Olivia returned, her typically smooth forehead gnarling in vehemence. "This is the NYPD and we don't have time for childish games."

"Right," Amanda retorted, "because I _totally_ asked for you to hold my hand through the first case! Are you fucking kidding me? If it wasn't for me we wouldn't have caught Brian Smith! It was my old case that brought it all together and all you cared to do was stomp on some damn good police work!"

"You were having tunnel vision." Olivia ground out. "The first mistake of any rookie cop is to assume the guilt of one person and ignore other clues!"

"And _you_ were convinced it was his twin just as well as I was!" Amanda replied, her face pulsing hot with indignation.

She couldn't believe the gull of the other detective. She wasn't even sure that anyone else had ever treated her with so little respect when it came to her skill as a detective.

"Let's not even get started on your hypocrisy!" She seethed, the pent of anger and frustration spilling from her with all the force of a gushing waterfall. "I'm getting the same lack of respect and sexism from you as I was from the boys in Atlanta, and let me tell you, I'm really fucking disappointed!"

"Oh, honey..." Olivia laughed, turning away in disbelief.

"Don't fucking call me honey." Amanda sneered. "You've spent so much time in this squad, having all these guys - _Elliot -_ wrapped around your finger, their eyes following your ass wherever you go….it's gone to your head."

"Are you serious?" Olivia brows rose, shock smearing across her face in a satisfying splash.

"Maybe you're upset that you're too old to be the honey traps now, and you're not fresh enough to view these cases with an unbiased eye. Maybe you're mad that he isn't here to stroke your ego - and your pus-"

"Stop. Stop right there." Olivia snapped, holding up a trembling finger as she shot up from her desk. "You're going way too far, detective."

Amanda backed down, breathing hard. Maybe her filter had slipped a little from her mouth, but she wasn't upset that she conjured such a response. Something honest and raw from Olivia was refreshing.

The rattling of the Captain's office door shattered their deadlock, and Cragen emerged, his brow furled as he stormed out to glare at them.

"Benson, Rollins." He ground out, his incensed gaze bouncing between them. "Both of you, get in here. Now."

_Damnit. _Amanda thought, her hands clenched into fists at her sides as Cragen turned and disappeared into his office once more. In the heat of the moment, she'd forgotten where she was, and the consequences of letting herself say all the things that she'd been thinking for four goddamn weeks.

Olivia's gaze was accusatory as she kicked her chair back, and headed towards the office, but she kept her mouth firmly shut, her lips drawn in a tight, displeased line.

"Fuck." Amanda whispered to herself, her stomach flipping over as she trailed after Olivia.

"Close the door." Cragen ordered as Amanda entered.

She followed his order, and eased the door shut behind her. Her heart was thundering with apprehension, and she she knew she'd fucked up by letting Olivia get the better of her. She hadn't regretted her words when Liv had been the only one to hear her, but now the humiliation of Cragen hearing every vile thing she'd said worked it's way across her chest and face in throbbing swatches of heat.

"Stand right here." Cragen pointed to the space in front of his desk, his eyes flashing with frustration. "At attention."

"Captain." Olivia broke from her rebellious, cross- armed stance with a shocked tone.

"No." Cragen held up a dismissive hand. "You two wanna act like rookies I will treat you like one."

Amanda glanced at Olivia's expression of disbelief, and Olivia caught her gaze with a glare. Her jaw was working, and Amanda could guess that it had been a damn long time since she'd answered to a drill sergeant. Amanda, on the other hand, had been answering for her wayward tongue since she'd been able to talk. She still remembered Mama whacking her with a wooden spoon for talking back. Standing at attention and taking a tongue lashing would no doubt be just as painful in some way or another, but she'd learned it was best to simply shut up and buckle down rather than resist.

_Let's just get this over with. _She thought, hoping Olivia would do the same.

She followed Cragen's order, and clenched the seam of her pants between her thumb and forefinger, staring off at his certification of command hanging on the wall beyond them. She heard Olivia release a low sound of disgust before she fell into place next to Amanda, their shoulders nearly brushing. Amanda barely stopped herself from flinching at the contact, and she clenched her jaw, the knot tightening in her throat.

"Now." Cragen said, folding his arms and leaning against the desk. "I've been very lenient."

Amanda felt Olivia tense almost indistinctly, and she knew that she wanted to protest. Unfortunately, standing at attention meant no talking, no facial expressions, and next to no blinking.

_No crying either_. She berated herself silently.

"Rollins, up until today I haven't had a reason to address you, but whatever it going on between you needs to stop. Today." Cragen pointed at the floor, his steely gaze searing first Amanda and then Olivia.

He let them stand in uncomfortable silence for a moment before adding, "The words I heard exchanged out there I don't ever want to hear again in this precinct. Do you understand?"

Amanda imperceptibly narrowed her eyes at the wall, biting back her own urge to retaliate. After what Cragen had heard come out of her mouth, she knew it was within her best interests not to say anything else besides _yes, sir_, but it was hard not to throw fingers in Olivia's direction. If it wasn't for the senior detective's bad attitude they wouldn't be here to begin with. Not even close.

"Good. Now, you're gonna get out there and do your job or else you're both going home for the day." Cragen concluded, waving a hand at them. "At ease. You're dismissed."

Amanda relaxed from the rigid stance, hardly looking Cragen in the eye as she murmured a _yes, sir_ and quickly turned towards the door. She needed to get away from Olivia and the entire situation before she did or said anything else that she would regret.

She strode out into the squad room, and she could feel emotions boiling up again without the suppressive concentration of standing at attention. Her face felt hot, her nerves trembling as she rushed towards the ladies room. She didn't know whether it was the anger, the disappointment or the humiliation, but she felt as though she might burst into frustrated tears in the middle of the precinct.

She slammed both hands against the heavy bathroom door, and burst inside the much cooler, quieter space. The door swung shut slowly behind her as she went to the sink, and leaned heavily on the ceramic. Her breath was raspy in her ears, and she couldn't look at herself because the image was blurred and distorted.

"Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck._" She groaned in a whisper. "Get it together."

She sucked in long breath only for it to break through her nose in a trembling exhale a moment later.

"Urgh, _God_." She cursed, scraping her hands over her face as she tried to pull together the emotions that she had ignored ever since arriving in New York.

She'd had so much faith in Olivia, perhaps because she'd imagined that she'd be so much different than everyone else. She'd expected another woman to have her back, to never bring her fear or anguish, to never intentionally hurt her or manipulate her, but so far Olivia had done all of these and more; and although Amanda knew that she owed her absolutely nothing, she couldn't help but be more disappointed than she ever had been in her life.

Long seconds passed before the sound of the bathroom door opening caused Amanda to straighten.

_Shit, shit._ She thought, wrenching the cold water on to splash on her face. She hadn't let anyone see her cry since she'd been stood up at the junior prom (save for that terrible night in a seedy Atlanta hotel room, and she told herself that didn't count) and she wasn't going to start again now.

"Amanda?"

She froze with her wet hands clasped over her face.

_Olivia._

She'd know the sound of her voice anywhere, but especially here in the vulnerability of her bathroom breakdown. She bit her lower lip, swallowing another curse as she let her hands slip slowly from her face.

"What do you want?" She asked huskily, grabbing the sink again with one hand and twisting the water off with the other.

A few drops of water splashed against the drain in the silence before she heard Olivia's boots click against the tile. She stiffened when Olivia's hand brushed the back of her arm, igniting a wave of goosebumps across her body.

"I guess I deserve that." Olivia murmured, her fingers lingering unbearably.

Amanda was surprised at Olivia's apologetic tone after the way she'd talked to her, but she decided she wouldn't be so quick to feel pity for her again. Olivia had done nothing but send her mixed signals since her arrival, and Amanda didn't know what was and wasn't real anymore.

"No shit." Amanda finally scoffed past the knot in her throat, and pulled away from Olivia's gentle grasp.

She grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and slowly dried her face with her back turned. She didn't know when she'd be able to face her without becoming unhinged again.

"After what I told you I thought you'd understand that I want to keep co-workers and friends separate from now on." Olivia continued, although Amanda wasn't sure she even wanted to stand there and listen. "It's not personal."

"No?" Amanda asked, cutting her off as she turned impetuously. "I think it is personal. _Especially_ after what you told me."

Olivia's brows were furrowed, and her fingers were clenched together in front of her as though she didn't quite know what to do with them when she wasn't allowed to touch her. The thought flashed through Amanda's mind unbidden, and she drew a wobbly breath.

"I don't know you very well." Olivia murmured, "but I don't think either of us need this right now."

"Need what?" Amanda whispered, reaching back to clutch the sink again.

"This." Olivia spread her hands. "Or trying to figure out what this is. What we want from each other."

Amanda nearly choked, taking a step back until the cold surface of the stall behind her pressed against her shoulder blades. Her tongue felt weak and useless in her mouth at Olivia's insinuations although she was sure that she hadn't meant it in _that _way. Surely, she hadn't.

"I…" Amanda whispered, her gaze flitting away from Olivia's. "I don't know. Maybe, I just wanted a colleague I could trust."

Olivia folded her arms, restlessly, and glanced down at the floor. She chewed her lower lip for a moment before she glanced back up her, dark eyes intense and intuitive.

"You don't trust many people, do you?" She asked, softly.

Amanda swallowed hard, her heart pounding anxiously in her chest. Something about Olivia's deep eyes, and gentle hands made her want to collapse and spill everything - all the secrets she'd been hiding that were eating her up inside, all the trauma that she'd buried until it rotted in her bones, all the things she'd never told anyone because she was too ashamed.

_Maybe, this is what I wanted. _She thought, unable to speak it.

"I hope you understand I don't trust many people either then." Olivia murmured, her lips lifting in a short, sad smile. "I think that's one thing we have in common."

Amanda stared back at her, unmoving and mute, as Olivia gave a nod of finality and turned towards the door. Amanda watched her leave, even as everything within her wanted to beg her not to go. The door shut behind her, and she pressed her eyes shut against the tears. She listened to the silence and the screaming of her own mind.

_You're never gonna get what you want._


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey everybody just wanted to drop in and thank y'all for your continued support and all your lovely commrnts, and... HAPPY RENEWAL! We goin to season 21!**

**xxxxxxxx**

_Two weeks later_

The job was simple - watch the bodega, bust the rapist, Terrance Hughes, in middle of his nightly run for Suzy Q's, close the case.

It should've been so goddamn simple, but as soon as Captain Cragen paired Amanda and Olivia off together Olivia knew it was going to be anything but simple. Amaro and Fin were parked down the street in their own car, and she couldn't help but be annoyed with Cragen. He'd forced them into being partners after their fight in the middle of the precinct, no doubt as a way to push them to work out their differences themselves.

So far, it had been… interesting.

Olivia would have much rather preferred to take her own time with accepting Amanda as a member of the squad, and she'd been apprehensive that Amanda's desperate vying for her attention would continue. Instead, Amanda's mood had seemed to diminish with the new arrangement, and Olivia often found herself uncomfortable with her sullen silence and depressive attitude. In the back of her mind she knew it was the guilt driving her to feel the displeasure so deeply although she tried to tell herself that she could not take responsibility for Amanda's mental health. She had her own to tend to.

It'd been three weeks and a day since she'd seen Elliot on that fateful night of the Rory Halstead case, and sometimes she still felt like she was drowning. She'd replayed their final fight in her mind, word for word, until she was sick to her stomach, but it didn't change anything.

She still wanted to call him, and hear his voice. She still drank half a bottle of wine after work, convincing herself that it was better than the tears that would tear her apart for hours. She wished that none of this had ever happened, but Elliot was still gone, and she was still alone every single night…. Except for this night….

They'd been parked across the street from the bodega for less than thirty minutes, but in her mind it felt like hours. The space inside the squad car was suffocating, and her seat was far too close to Amanda's.

They'd barely spoken a word since arriving and Amanda had spent the entirety of the half an hour staring resolutely out the window at the tiny shop. Olivia couldn't even begin to wonder what was going on inside the other woman's mind, but she could feel the tension rolling of her in waves.

_Maybe, I was too hard on her. _The fleeting thought passed through her mind as it had half a dozen times in the past two weeks.

She'd tried to let her down gently that afternoon in the bathroom, killing her with kindness in a way, but watching Amanda wither before her hadn't been as relieving as she imagined. Her sudden and complete change of attitude left Olivia grappling as she found herself on the receiving end of the cold shoulder. She'd tried to keep her distance and keep it professional, but it was damn hard after all of the far too personal words they'd exchanged. She was loathe to admit it, but in a way she wished for the days when Amanda was quick to smile in her direction and offer unsolicited compliments.

_Maybe she was right. _She mused, grimly. _Maybe I do miss someone stroking my ego… _

Olivia clenched her jaw and glanced out the front windshield, trying to focus on the job before them. She'd never realized how distracting silence could be until now. For the past twelve years, she'd shared stakeouts with Elliot, and they'd never been uncomfortable with each other. In fact, she'd relied on his steady breathing and his unfrazzled nerves when the anticipation of making a collar got her too jittery, and he counted on her just the same. With Amanda next to her, she couldn't seem to focus for even a single, five minute period of time.

_This isn't a partnership._ Olivia thought, casting a glance towards Amanda's shadowed profile. _This is torture._

She'd spent the previous month wishing that Amanda would shut the hell up. Now, she wished she'd say something, _anything, _to regain some semblance of normalcy.

In the dim lighting, she watched Amanda slowly chew on one thumb nail, her full, pink lips pouting around her moistened finger. Her fine, blonde hair was pulled back in a loose bun at the back of her head, and Olivia could see a gleam of sweat on her neck and forehead where her flyaways curled against her pale flesh-

_Stop it._ She ordered herself, averting her eyes.

The perspiration meant nothing. They were both wearing bullet proof vests and NYPD issued jackets over their usual attire. Coupled with the mounting adrenaline, it was no surprise that they were overheated...right?

_It's one thing to pity her,_ She told herself, _and quite another to…..to what? _

Olivia reached up and tugged on the neckline of the bullet proof vest. The thirty extra pounds of pressure weighing down on her shoulders was only compounding the sensation of slowly sinking into an abyss of dread.

She worked her teeth over her lower lip, desperately trying to think of anything to say to break the silence when Amanda spoke abruptly.

"You know. It's late. Maybe I should grab some coffee?" Her typically soft, southern tone was rigid and strained with much the same stress as Olivia was feeling.

She glanced over at Olivia, her blue eyes guarded, but Olivia could sense the plea lying underneath. Amanda wanted out of this goddamn car as much as she did.

"Sure." Olivia nodded, forcing a casual expression.

The last thing she wanted was another fucking coffee from Amanda, but she needed the caffeine and it gave them an excuse to get out of each other's personal space.

Without another word Amanda shouldered the door open, the hinges creaking loudly against Olivia's raw senses. She flinched as Amanda slammed the door behind her and began to jog across the street, her ponytail bouncing behind her, gleaming against the lamp lights overhead.

Olivia watched her go, her heart chugging in her ears. The silence was suddenly even louder. Lying her head back against the seat, she took in breath of fresh air and relief, but the exhale was nothing but a tremble of weakness.

_What the hell?_ She questioned herself derisively, and scrubbed her hands over her face. _Is she finally getting to you? _

"No…" She murmured into her palms before letting them fall into her lap.

Beyond the car she could see the wide bodega windows, protected by rusting bars, and between the rungs, Amanda. She bit at her lip again as she watched the younger detective converse with the clerk before she flashed a friendly smile and turned towards the exit.

Olivia could not remember the last time Amanda had smiled at her.

_Maybe that's because you told her we'd never be friends._ She reminded herself sarcastically.

Shaking her head, she tried to ignore the pang of guilt in her chest, and focus on the task at hand. Narrowing her eyes, she watched Amanda exit the shop, the coffees balanced in either hand as she glanced up and down the sidewalk before crossing.

Olivia shifted over to grab the passengers side door handle, and she had the door half pushed opened before she looked up to see Amanda at a standstill in the middle of the street. A man was passing her, and she was turned, watching him retreat.

_What is she….?_ The thought trailed away in Olivia's mind, and her stomach dropped as she recognized their rapist, Terrance Hughes, cantering towards the bodega that Amanda had just left.

The seconds seemed to pass in slow motion. She was breathless, her heart suddenly pounding anew as her gaze bounced between Hughes and Amanda.

_No, don't do it, Amanda._ _Wait for backup._ Olivia pleased silently, her hands trembling with sudden adrenaline as she pulled herself upright in the seat. Fumbling for the keys, she twisted them out of the ignition, her eyes never leaving Amanda.

She could see the exact moment when everything clicked into place like the hand of Fate itself had reached down and touched them. Amanda turned completely, then...

"Damnit!" Olivia cursed aloud as Amanda tossed the cups to the ground, and grabbed for her gun. Coffee exploded across the blacktop, and Amanda was bolting.

"Terrance Hughes!" Olivia heard her shout as she sprinted after him, her service weapon poised. "NYPD!"

"Fucking Christ, Rollins." Olivia snarled, shoving her door open, and flying out into the street after her.

She unholstered her weapon with one hand, and grabbed the radio clipped to her shoulder with the other as her boots pounded against the pavement, and the cold fall air whipped at her face.

"Target spotted!" She yelled, breathlessly in the mic. "I need backup at the bodega _now_!"

By the time she made it across the street Amanda and Hughes had disappeared inside the bodega. As she made it to the front door, she could hear panicked screams from the patrons and employees. She internally cursed Amanda's impulsive behavior once more as she flung the door open, causing the bell to chime loudly above her.

She slowed, bringing her weapon to bear in both hands as she assessed the scene before her. The customers were huddled behind shelves and on the floor, their glossy eyes staring back at her fearfully. Up ahead a display was tilted on its side, the Suzy Q's spilled ironically across the floor in the wake of Hughes's escape.

"NYPD. I need everyone to evacuate now." Olivia ordered, stepping over a fallen rack of USB cords and chargers that had once stood vigil at the front door.

The patrons glanced at each other with a chorus of terrified murmurs before they slowly began to scurry towards the exit.

Olivia advanced past them, her eyes raking across the interior of the small shop for any sight of velvety, blonde tresses. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement from behind the counter, and she spun around, her heart skipping.

"W-wait!" The trembling clerk, a young, thin, Middle Eastern man, straightened from behind the counter, his dark eyes wide as he held up his palms. "Don't shoot, please."

Olivia huffed a breath from between clenched teeth, lowering her gun in front of her.

"Which way did they go?" She demanded, canting her hand towards the shop behind her.

He lifted a quivering hand, and pointed towards the set of black, swinging doors behind her that lead to the backroom of the bodega. The windows were dark, giving her little to no idea what lay beyond. Her heart rate spiked again. Since entering the bodega, she hadn't seen or heard Amanda or Hughes, and she tried to ignore the worst case scenarios rushing through her head.

"Okay, get out of here." She told the clerk, inclining her head towards the front door.

He nodded, and darted from behind the counter before disappearing into the night. The door chimed one last time before leaving her in silence in the middle of the shop.

She turned towards the double doors, clutching her gun higher in both perspiring palms as she took measured steps towards them. Her heartbeat was thudding in her ears, and her mouth had gone dry with adrenaline. She wouldn't be half as terrified if Amanda was by her side rather than behind those doors with a serial rapist, and she prayed that the younger detective's own stupid decision wouldn't be too costly.

She reached the doors, and she grabbed for her flashlight. She wrapped her fingers tightly around the cold metal, and aligned it with with barrel of her gun. The light washed sharply across the window, reflecting her own terrified expression for a moment before she kicked the door in.

"NYPD!" She shouted once more as she charged inside.

Her flashlight cut a wide, sharp path across the interior of the room that was filled with shelves of dry good, perishables, and household products. The spaces between the racks were narrow, and she squinted in darkness to make out any sign of Hughes and Amanda. Her breath was raspy in the silence, her boots clicking against the concrete flooring as she inched forward down the first aisle. Her shoulder brushed against a box of beer bottles and they rattled inside, causing her gasp softly. She paused, pressing her eyes shut for half a second as she tried to draw a steady breath.

Suddenly, from the dark she heard a shuffle of movement, and then a soft whimper. Her eyes jarred open, and she flexed her fingers hard around the gun as she strained her ears for a sense of direction. Her shoulders were taut, sweat forming between them beneath her vest as she edged towards the back of the room.

"NYPD. Come on out, Hughes." She called out, inciting another bout of shuffling and then a loud rattling.

_He's trying to get out the back door._ She thought, quickening her pace along the shelves. _Not so fast, you bastard._

She spun around the end of the rack, and the LED of her flashlight caught Hughes in its glare. He was backed up against the heavy, exit door, prying at the lock with one hand, and her stomach dropped as she saw the gun in his other hand, poised against Amanda's cheek. He held her in front of him, controlled by the glinting barrell of the semi automatic, and she seemed to frozen beneath that pointed, visceral threat.

Her complexion was washed out and white beneath Olivia's beam, her blue eyes wide and dazed. Blood was fresh and bright at her left nostril, spilling over her quaking top lip. At this proximity, Olivia could hear her raspy, panicked inhales and she knew that she was completely impaired by Hughes's attack.

"Hughes, don't move." Olivia ordered, taking one more step closer before he spun in her direction.

"I'll shoot her!" Hughes retaliated, grabbing Amanda's arm as he tightened the nose of the gun against her cheek.

Amanda groaned a guttural sound, her dilated, unfocused gaze latching onto Olivia's, and Olivia could scarcely breathe. She could not dwell on the terror in those eyes, could not be incapacitated by the deadly possibilities of how this would end. She clenched her gun harder in her hand to still the tremble, and narrowed her eyes at Hughes.

"Terrance, listen to me very carefully." She urged, her voice low and thick above the underlying tremor of fear. "There's no way out of here. That door is locked. You're surrounded."

His eyes bounced away from hers towards the exit beyond her, and she knew he was contemplating his chances of outsmarting and outrunning her.

"If you hurt my detective I will shoot you." She threatened in a measured tone. "Don't worry. I'm _very_ accurate."

Amanda whimpered again, and Olivia felt the reactive flinch run through her entire body. She forced herself not to look at her pleading, terrified eyes again, and kept her gaze focused on Hughes.

"You wanna take your chances with me? Fine." She whispered sharply. "On the slim possibility that I miss, you might make it maybe out the front door, but I doubt it. I've got my whole squad ready to take your ass down."

Hughes shifted against the door, growing more and more ansty with every second. His eyes were bulging with desperation, flicking up and down, side to side, for any avenue of escape. He looked like a wild animal with his leg caught in a trap, and Olivia wanted so badly to put him out of misery.

"Let her go." She coaxed instead. "We've already got you on the rape, the breaking and entering, and now evading police. Do you wanna add assault on cop to that? Trust me, that won't end well."

His hand trembled, the gun pressing dangerously tight against Amanda's pale face. He was on the edge, and she knew it could go one of two ways. He'd either become overwhelmed and surrender or he would lash out and make a run for it.

"Come on, Terrance." She cajoled softly. "I don't have to hurt you if you don't want me to."

Hughes hesitated for another second, but she could see the decision forming in his eyes. Her heart rate pushed higher, her finger cinching tight over the trigger. All she needed was one good reason.

The tension in the room had reached a palpable, vibrating frequency when Hughes made his move, abruptly shoving Amanda forward. She catapulted forward into Olivia, and she caught her, swinging her away from the line of fire. The flashlight tilted away from Hughes as she used that arm to cradle Amanda to her chest, and the LED bounced over the ceiling and walls with dizzying patterns. Hughes's figure slipped in and out of her vision, but she brought her gun to bear in one outstretched hand and fired into the dark, once then twice.

_BOOM! BOOM!_

The gunfire resonated in the small room, and her ears immediately began to ring while the smoke filled her nostrils, thick and cloying. Above the singing of her head she heard Hughes cry out and stagger before hitting the floor.

In her arms, Amanda seemed to collapse either in relief or in terror.

"Woah, woah…" Olivia whispered, clenching her arm tight around her as she eased them to the ground.

A ragged sob emitted from Amanda's throat, and she grabbed the front of Olivia's vest with trembling fingers.

"It's okay. It's okay." Olivia whispered, tossing her gun down in order to stroke Amanda's hair, and face in search of any wounds. "Are you hurt?"

Amanda shook her head, and dug her face into Olivia's chest, her body rigid and shaking in the aftermath.

In the distance, Olivia heard Fin and Amaro's voices and the sound of their footsteps, and a wave of relief washed over her. A moment later the doors slammed open and the twin beams of their flashlight illuminated their huddled figures on the floor and Hughes's crumpled body.

"Liv, you okay?" Nick demanded, rushing over to her while Fin assessed the damage she had done to Hughes.

She heard him radio for a bus, and vaguely thought that the bastard would live to see a trial. Some Fates were just too merciful.

"Is anybody hurt?" Nick asked, dropping down beside them, his eyes darting up and down both of their bodies.

"Him maybe." Olivia whispered, her voice raspy and raw as she motioned towards Hughes.

Nick's brow was deeply furrowed as he cast a glance back towards Fin and their fallen rapist.

"What the hell happened?" He asked in a quieter tone. "One second you two are getting coffee and next we're hearing shots fired."

Olivia tightened her grip around Amanda's shoulders, and glanced away from him. Her adrenaline was still pumping, her head throbbing from the gunfire, and with the added rush of endorphins she could hardly think.

"Honestly…" She whispered, staring down at Amanda's trembling frame. "I don't know.

In some ways it was the truth. In others it was an omission to protect the woman quaking in her arms. She'd seen the look in her eyes, the pure terror, the paralyzing fear. She'd been there, cowering before a man who had but one intention to irreparably harm her. Only, what she'd seen in Amanda's gaze warned her of something more. Something like _God, please, not again. _

Amaro's frown deepened, and she felt him hesitate, but he didn't question her again.

Instead, he took her arm and murmured, "Okay, let's get you out of here."


	8. Chapter 8

Sometimes it felt like just last night. Other times, she could convince herself that what had happened in Atlanta was water on the bridge, in the past, long enough ago to forget. Lies.

Sitting on the curb outside of the bodega, an instant ice pack clutched against her face, Amanda could still feel the tingle in her hands, her face, down to the tips of her toes. It'd been several months since she'd had a panic attack so severe, but the shame of experiencing something so debilitating while she was on the job was familiar and achingly fresh.

She closed her eyes, replaying the moment she'd stepped inside the bodega. The moment everything had gone wrong.

_She'd seen Hughes running towards the back of the door. Patrons were screaming and panicking at the sight of the weapon clutched in his hand - but she hadn't known that. Abandoning caution, she'd followed him into the back, and that was when she'd met the cold threat of the gun. He'd tripped her, and she fallen to the ground. Hard. Disoriented in the dark, she hadn't seen the blow coming. _

_Crack!_

_The butt of the gun met her face, and stars exploded overhead. Her gun had slipped from her hand when she'd fallen, and skittered away from her beneath a nearby shelf. Barely able to think straight, she hadn't been able to even move, much less search for her weapon._

_Then Hughes had been on top of her, the gun pressed against her side, the smell of him invading her nostrils in sickening waves. _

"_Aren't you gonna be a treat?" He'd whispered in her ear. _

_She'd tried to scream, but he licked her face and chuckled. Grabbing her by the hair, he pulled her up from the ground, and then…._

Then what?

The rest was a blur of shaking and numbness and panic. Her next lucid memory was Olivia's arms around her, strong and safe, the sound of her voice a relief.

The shame had come after when the cold chills stopped and she could breathe again; when she'd seen her team's concerned expression as they sheparded her towards the ambulance. She'd begun to insist that she was fine, humiliation clinging to her bones like a second skin as they crowded around her while the EMT checked her vitals. Finally, he'd announced that she hadn't suffered any major injuries, handed her the ice pack, and let her go.

She'd been at the curb for ten or fifteen minutes now. She was unsure of the exact amount of minutes that had passed, nor could she remember the time it had been before she'd gone into the bodega. The seconds and minutes slipped away from the grasp of her mind, and she stared blankly at the scene before her while the ice pack chilled her mouth and nose to stiffness.

When Olivia approached her, she was completely unaware until she heard her name.

"Amanda?"

Olivia's tone was soft, but she still startled, blinking quickly against the burning dryness of her eyes.

She lowered the ice pack as Olivia hovered next to her, squatting down next to the curb.

"You doing okay, sweetie?" Olivia asked, her gaze tracking up and down Amanda's body with unnerving intensity.

"Yeah…" Amanda murmured, staring down at the ice pack in her hands.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I mean, I've been through worse." Amanda attempted to joke with a shrug, but the rough laugh broke midway.

"Listen." Olivia said softly, squeezing her arm in a gentle gesture that Amanda could hardly bear. "I understand how terrifying this is…"

Amanda ducked her face away, clenching her hand over her chin and mouth. She'd spent weeks trying to impress this woman, days trying to piss her off, hours dreaming about what could be…. only to find herself here. Humiliated. Pathetic. A victim to Olivia's eyes. A failure like always.

"I've been in situations like this before." Olivia continued, quietly. "And I know it's hard to shake. I want you to know it's okay. You don't have to be okay."

Amanda clenched her eyes shut hard, pushing back tears. Scraping her hand away from her mouth, she shoved her hair back out of her eyes, and tossed Olivia a steeled gaze.

"Thanks, Liv, but I'm okay. Really."

Olivia's gaze narrowed, her mouth forming a tight line of suspicion. Her fingers lingered on Amanda's arm, and finally her concern was too much to withstand. Pushing up from the curb, Amanda squared her shoulders, and tried to breathe evenly.

Olivia remained crouched behind her for a long moment as the silence rose between them with telling tangibility. At last, Amanda heard Olivia's boots scuffing the concert as she rose, and she felt panicked at the thought of another round of far too personal questions and commiserations.

"What about Hughes?" She forced out. "Is the motherfucker gonna make it?"

She glanced over her shoulder with a brittle scoff, hoping Olivia would follow her lead. Olivia stared back at her for a second, her brow furrowed, hands tucked stiffly in the pockets of her police jacket.

Finally, she motioned towards the ambulance that was preparing to leave the scene.

"Yeah, I barely nicked him."

"I thought you said you wouldn't miss." Amanda took another jab at humor, hoping to crack Olivia's stern expression.

Instead, Olivia sighed and shook her head, her voice low and rigid, "He better be glad I did."

Striding past Amanda, she patted her shoulder.

"Come on. They'll need our statements."

Amanda watched her retreat, her head lowered, shoulders tense, and the creeping sensation of dread converged fully upon her. She'd hoped for solidarity and cammeradie with Olivia, but she hadn't wanted it to be because of Atlanta. She'd known the older detective just long enough to know that she wouldn't let this go, and for the first time since arriving in New York, Amanda wished that Olivia would just leave her alone.

**xxxxxx**

"What the _hell_ happened?"

Amanda had been prepared for the question, but standing here in front of the captain next to Olivia, Fin, and Amaro, she wasn't ready to be the first to answer it. It had been unbearable enough trying to avoid Olivia's poignant questions and gazes, and now she also had defend her decision to chase Hughes. She'd been asking herself something akin to the Captain's demand ever since she'd found herself on the ground, concussed and defenseless, and she still hadn't found a good answer.

"Benson?" Cragen demanded, turning his gaze to his most senior officer first.

Amanda cringed as she felt Olivia stiffen next to her. Although Olivia's rank wasn't any higher than the rest of them, Amanda knew that Cragen expected more of her in terms of decision making and leadership. It wasn't fair that she had to answer for Amanda's impulsive actions, and Amanda knew that. With a knot of dread in her throat, however, she couldn't speak up.

"There was a miscommunication." Olivia said, tersely, her tone veiled with the respect that Cragen's position demanded; but underneath, Amanda could sense the tension.

_She might be more willing to defend you if you didn't act like a little bitch._ Amanda silently reminded herself.

"A miscommunication." Cragen repeated. "You were supposed to apprehend him quietly."

"Come on, captain," Amaro stepped in, ever ready to defend his partner. "How were we supposed to know he was armed?"

Amanda suppressed another cringe, and closed her eyes for a half second. He wouldn't be so quick to stick up for Amanda as he was for Olivia if he knew what had happened at the bodega. He was somewhat of a hothead, but she knew if it were anyone but himself making the rash decision, he'd tear them to pieces with words about procedure and common sense.

"You don't know but you prepare for every scenario." Cragen replied. "Having a shootout in the middle of the shop should have been out of the question."

"Sir, he was going to fire at myself _and _Amanda." Olivia stepped forward, her tone steely over a layer of outright frustration.

"I didn't ask that." Cragen frowned. "A two year old can point fingers. Not my best detectives."

"I cleared the bodega, Captain-" Olivia began to protest once more, but he held up a hand.

"Stop. This whole operation went off the rails. Period."

Olivia scoffed and leaned back against the wall, her arms folded tightly, causing Cragen's brow to furrow even deeper.

Amanda removed her gaze from the interaction, and looked down at her hands, picking at one nail as she tried not to let the tears rise beyond a glimmer in her eyes.

It wasn't often that Cragen chewed them out, especially Olivia, his shining star, but it was now the second time in a week because of _her. _Her conscience was burning up her throat deep from the pit of her stomach, but she didn't know how to explain the situation to Cragen without admitting to the panic attack and all of the reasons behind it.

"You shouldn't have been in the bodega in the first place." Cragen continued, his tone sharp and decisive. "Rollins, do you have any better of an explanation?"

The sound of her name startled her, and she glanced up quickly, her stomach swooning with dread. Cragen's eyes were on her as well as Fin's and Amaro's. Olivia's gaze was the sharpest, like a pointed blade against her throat, choking her with the truth. Nevermind the compassion winding through her dark, unyielding gaze. She was fucked.

Amanda stuttered, feeling her cheeks flush beneath the oppression of their inquiring eyes. She'd rather have sunk straight through the floor than admit to being blinded by first ego and then panic, but she knew that if she didn't admit to her mistake right now it would come out later. It didn't matter how much sympathy Olivia had for her. When it came to her DD-5 or her testimony in court, Olivia wouldn't lie for her.

"I…." She began, somehow unable to break eye contact with Olivia despite her discomfort.

The other woman gazed back at her, waiting for her response. Amanda wished that she'd speak up again - anything to take the focus off of Amanda and her bumbling explanation - but Olivia remained silent, her stare excruciating.

Amanda swallowed hard, her cheeks flushing beneath the eyes of her coworkers and captain.

"It was my fault." She finally said, her voice emitting husky and faltering. "I went into the bodega to get coffee, and when I came out, I saw him on the street, and my first instinct was to chase him."

The captain's brows rose, and she could feel Amaro and Fin shifting in awkward silence in the wake of her confession. Olivia looked away, her arms tightening beneath her breasts, and Amanda couldn't tell if she was feeling compassion or disgrace for her plight. She knew that Olivia's opinion of her was not the most important thing at the moment, but she still could not help but feel panicked at the thought of Olivia's regard of her falling any further.

"I thought he would come easily." Amanda continued, her voice tight and high as she tried to smooth over the utter humiliation of the moment. "I didn't know he was armed or that it might endanger civilians."

"All right." Captain said, holding up his hands, halting her frantic explantation. "We'll deal with this later. For now, all of you go home and get some rest."

Amanda lowered her hands, a small bit of relief washing over her. She knew that Cragen wouldn't simply let it go, but for now she could escape from the judging confines of this office, and this job. Escape Olivia.

Amaro and Fin muttered "yes sir"s and turned towards the door, and Amanda followed quickly behind them, her head lowered. She was already thinking of the half bottle of whiskey in her fridge and the inviting cocoon of her bed and comforter, and Cragen's next command startled her.

"Olivia, not you."

Amanda glanced back quickly at Olivia, shocked. If she'd expected Cragen to hold anyone back in order to issue some kind of private punishment for lack of judgement, it had been herself. Not Olivia, her rescuer.

"Captain, she didn't do anything wrong." She began to protest, casting a watery, apologetic gaze in Olivia's direction.

"Amanda, it's fine." Olivia interrupted her before the Captain could, holding up at a hand to halt her.

Amanda's gaze bounced between Cragen and Olivia helplessly, and she wished desperately that she had never left the cruiser, never found herself so uncomfortable in Olivia's company, never wanted her approval more than anyone's. It was a series of stupid mistakes, _rookie _mistakes.

"Please shut the door on your way out." Cragen instructed, motioning towards the exit.

Amanda swallowed sharply, and sent Olivia one last, apologetic gaze. Olivia stoically accepted her glance before averting her gaze towards the captain. Her eyes were unreadable beneath a layer of tenuous composure, and Amanda felt her heart sinking.

She hadn't allowed Olivia to comfort her or to offer her understanding at the crime scene, and now she wasn't sure that she'd want to offer her anything ever again.

Spinning towards the door, Amanda stormed out, hot tears raging in her eyes. Slamming the door behind her, she released a low growl of frustration, and scraped the back of her hand quickly over her eyes.

She wanted more than anything to go home and hide for the rest of the night, or week, or however long it took for this humiliation to fade; but stubbornly she decided she had to wait it out. She had to see Olivia's face when she emerged from Cragen's office to know how badly she'd fucked up.

They were back at square one. Perhaps, worse than square one, and this time she only had herself to blame.

**xxxxxxx**

"All right, so what's really going on here?"

Cragen's face was kind enough and he was leaned back in the chair, giving the impression that this wasn't to be a reprimand, but Olivia couldn't help but feel on edge.

What had happened before and during the operation at the bodega had left her full of concern and worries

for Amanda's state of mind, not to mention a fresh wave of self-doubt.

She'd seen unresolved trauma in the faces of officers who'd made career-ending decisions, seen it in her own face in the mirror. She'd had her theories on why Amanda had come up from Atlanta, but until tonight she hadn't imagined that it was because of violence and assault. She knew nothing for certain, but in her gut, she couldn't ignore the sinking feeling that Amanda had been violated in some way in the past. If she was correct - and she was certain down to a slim margin of error - then she was also under the suspicion that the young detective had never sought therapy either.

She could fool everyone well enough with her confidence and cavalier attitude, but tonight had proved that it was but a facade. Underneath, something else was festering, and in some ways, Olivia felt responsible for pushing her to edge. In other ways, she vehemently wished that someone had recognized that Amanda was unfit for duty and that they'd never even had the chance of meeting.

If only El hadn't left...

"Olivia?" Cragen asked, drawing her back to the present.

Olivia shifted in the chair and crossed her legs as she brushed lint from her thigh. It was a minor distraction, one that allowed her gaze to land somewhere other than Cragen's knowing gaze.

"Rollins told you the truth." She said, stating each word plainly so that her tone was even.

"I know." Cragen nodded. "But I want to know what really happened out there. In her head."

"Why don't you ask her?" Olivia asked, finally meeting his gaze. "I can't read her mind."

He smiled and leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him on the desk.

"Olivia, you're my best detective. I don't say that in front of the others, but I trust what you take out of a situation."

Olivia sighed and glanced away.

Any other time she might have been flattered by the captain's praise. She might've allowed it to fill her sails and lift her from the depression of such a failed operation, but she couldn't. She was too personally involved in this situation now, and that was her own damn fault - and Amanda's. What a pair of fools they'd been.

"What I'm saying is…. You can read people, and I want the truth here; not some watered down version that Rollins would give me to save her own ass." Cragen clarified.

"Rollins fucked up." Olivia returned sharply. "I trusted her, and maybe that was a mistake."

"I know she messed up, but…I thought you'd be more objective than this."

Olivia breathed out through her nose and spread her hands over her thighs as she released the heavy breath.

"This wouldn't have happened if it had been El." She whispered, the words falling off her tongue before she could stop them, before she could shore up the blood spilling from all the re-opened wounds.

"Olivia…" Captain said, quietly.

"I know, I know." Olivia returned, quickly, lifting her hands to rub them over her face, to hide the shimmering of tears in her eyes.

The pain always came so quickly, hitting her straight between the ribs and up into her heart when she least expected it. One moment she would be fine, and then the next… some sound, or smell, or place would bring it all rushing back, as if New York City was just one big, fucking tripwire.

"I thought this was getting better."

Cragen's tone was gentle enough, but Olivia could sense the condemnation lying beneath. He'd never explicitly known about their relationship, but he wasn't blind or stupid, and sometimes Olivia wondered if he was happy that Elliot had chosen to leave because of that very reason. Cragen was as close to a father figure as she'd ever come, and she supposed Cragen being overprotective came with the territory. Most of the time, she wished that it didn't.

"It's fine." Olivia shook her head, sucking in a breath. "I'm fine."

"Is it?" Cragen asked. "It's been over a month since Rollins's transfer. I thought I'd see better teamwork between you two."

"So it's my fault?" Olivia snapped, rising suddenly from the chair and pacing away.

"You said there was a communication problem?" Cragen asked, skirting away from her direct question.

Maybe it was too early to be throwing out accusations, but perhaps it was just her guilty conscience speaking for itself. She'd been unusually cruel towards the younger detective, carelessly and uncaringly. It hadn't mattered who Amanda was or what had happened to her when she'd been so wrapped up in her own heartache, but after tonight, she couldn't ignore Amanda's feelings in exchange for her own. She'd allowed Amanda to leave the car, knowing damn well that they shouldn't separate themselves during an operation. She'd let her go simply because they couldn't stand being in the same car together, a petty and ridiculous excuse.

Olivia breathed out and leaned on the window sill, facing the squad room. From between the blinds, she could glance Amanda sitting at her desk, slouched in her chair. Her laptop was open in front of her, but she was distracted. Her leg was bouncing quickly and she biting a nail.

She had every right to be nervous.

Olivia lowered her gaze and stared down at the floor for a moment before she murmured, "She offered to get the coffee. I let her go. I didn't stop her."

There was silence for a moment, and Olivia pressed her eyes shut.

"Fine. So she went after him." Cragen said at last. "What happened inside the bodega? Amanda had a bloody nose, loses her gun, and you're firing into an enclosed space. It's bad policing, Liv."

"I know that." Olivia replied sharply. "I know we lost control."

"So give me an explanation." Cragen insisted. "I'm trusting you to tell me the truth here because I don't think I'm going to get it from Rollins."

Olivia breathed out, and lifted her hand to the back of her neck. All of her muscles were rippling with tension beneath her fingertips, and she had a feeling she wouldn't be able to relax any time soon.

She knew it wasn't her place, but there was no other explanation for Amanda's behavior at the bodega but PTSD. She'd lived with it long enough to know the signs, and she could only blame herself for not pulling Amanda back as soon as she saw them. She'd somehow unknowingly put them in this situation, and as upset as she was, the blame couldn't rest solely on Amanda.

She closed her eyes, and straightened from the window, her fingers pressing hard into her taut muscles.

"She's a survivor, Captain."

"What do you mean?" Cragen asked carefully.

"I mean…" Olivia began, opening her eyes to gaze out at the blonde head across the squad room. "I think she's been assaulted."

Cragen's chair creaked, and another long beat of silence passed.

"You think?" He asked at last.

Finally, Olivia turned from the squad room to look at him.

"She panicked inside the bodega. The look in her eyes...it's unmistakable. I think she saw Hughes… and she kicked into fight or flight instinct."

"Do you think she should be in the field?"

"I can't say for sure."

Cragen sighed and rubbed his fingers over his forehead.

"Captain, I only brought it up because you deserve an explanation." Olivia said, walking back over to the desk and leaning on the back of the chair. "I wouldn't have said anything otherwise."

"You think she was compromised today but not tomorrow?" Cragen asked, lifting his gaze to hers.

"I think…. That there were other factors." Olivia said, carefully. "And I think you shouldn't be too hard on her."

When he frowned, she continued, quietly, "You've given me plenty of second chances, Captain. Give her one."

"All right." Cragen sighed, "But I want you to keep an eye on her. We can't have this happen again."

"I'll try, but…." Olivia shook her head. "I'm not sure she wants me as a partner."

"You're not sure she wants you, or the other way around?" Cragen asked. "Amanda isn't the only one I'm worried about here."

"I'm fine." Olivia repeated. "Trust me."

"I trust you to take care of this squad." Cragen said. "But not always yourself."

"Captain-" She began.

"No." He held up a hand. "You need to find a way to let him go, Olivia."

Olivia straightened, her body going rigid at the mention of Elliot once more. She looked away from Cragen and ground her teeth against the urge to cry once more. They'd had so many late night conversations about this, ranging from gentle and concerned to frustrated and rebuking, but it still hit her with the weight of freight train every time. To know that someone else was looking in upon her private pain hurt almost as much the fact that he was gone. She'd never shown weakness to anyone in this squad room a day in her life, but now all of that bravery and confidence was ground to sand and dust in the eyes of her Captain.

"I'll keep an eye on her." She whispered with a nod before turning towards the door.

"Take care of yourself, Olivia." He said after her, his tone more caring than she wanted to accept.

"Yes, sir." She said quickly, hoping he'd accept it as compliance.

Yanking the door open, she left without another word, eager to escape the room, Cragen, and all of the implications and consequences of the night, but there were some things she wouldn't be able to escape, no matter how hard she tried.

Her name was Amanda, and she had just promised to look out for her.

As the door closed behind her, her gaze fell on Amanda in the midst of the deserted squad room. She sat forward, her blue eyes shimmering with regret as she searched Olivia's gaze. She was scared, vulnerable, hurt.

With a low, exhale, Olivia squared her shoulders and began to cross the room. She had a promise to keep.


	9. Chapter 9

"I am so sorry." Amanda began as she soon as she reached her.

Her hands were clasped together as though she were praying forgiveness as she pressed her fingers tight to her quivering lips. Her wide gaze read fear and loneliness like the open pages of a book, and Olivia wanted to lift her hand and turn back to the beginning, to find the answers that Amanda couldn't give her.

She quietly pulled up a chair from the opposite desk and straddled the back of it, contemplating exactly how to put her words. After everything that had happened between them - the fights, the insults, the begrudging partnership - she wasn't sure how to proceed.

Amanda bit her lower lip as Olivia shifted close to her, and she could sense the distrust, the discomfort.

"Please tell me you didn't get suspended again." Amanda whispered, interrupting the uncomfortable silence with a rough laugh, the one Olivia was beginning to understand as a false front for strength.

"No." Olivia murmured, meeting her gaze. "We're in the clear."

"Really?" Amanda asked in disbelief, her gaze charting across the room towards Cragen's office. "God...I thought for sure I was toast."

She sat back in the chair, exhaling a long breath of relief. It would last long.

"Amanda, look…" Olivia murmured. "Things got off to a rough start tonight, and I realize that if they hadn't...we might be in a different situation right now."

"What do you mean?" Amanda asked, slowly, glancing back over at her with a guarded expression.

"The coffee."

"Liv, I know. I shouldn't have gotten out of the car." Amanda began to protest. "I know-"

"No, I mean before." Olivia gently stopped her. "The one you bought me when I came back to work. I should've accepted it. You were just trying to be nice to me, and be a good co-worker. I screwed that up, and I'm sorry."

She watched Amanda's expression shift from defensive to shocked, and she seemed to be flabbergasted by the apology.

_Maybe it wouldn't be so shocking if you didn't act like a bitch. _Olivia thought, sarcastically.

"Okay…." Amanda said, slowly, at last. "Apology accepted…"

Silence fell between them again, and Olivia could sense the discomfort in Amanda's body language. After what she'd been through, Olivia could only imagine the thoughts running through her mind, how she must still be reeling. She'd promised to keep an eye on the younger detective, and though she'd never had a problem connecting with another female survivor before, she felt completely out of her depth simply looking at Amanda.

_She's already compartmentalizing. Pretending it doesn't hurt._ Olivia thought as she watched Amanda stare vacantly down at her laptop, absentmindedly tapping the spacebar with her thumb.

Where her mind was would've been anyone's guess, but Olivia had been there, watching her crumble. If she wasn't careful, it'd happen again, and again, again.

"Look…" Olivia murmured at last, "I know you said you're fine-"

"I am." Amanda cut her off, her thumb tapping quicker against the keyboard.

"Are you?" Olivia asserted, reaching across the desk to take her wrist.

The tapping of the key came to an abrupt halt as Olivia pulled her hand closer. She could feel her flesh was chilled, a tremble vibrating through each finger before Amanda retracted her hand, sharply. She clutched her hand in front of her, wringing them slowly.

"Yes." She repeated in a whisper, but her gaze was glassy, her mouth taut against a quiver.

Olivia sighed, tilting her head with a disbelieving stare.

Amanda's attitude and self isolating behavior only made her more certain that something terrible had happened to her in Atlanta, and that it had only been a matter of time before it affected her job performance, but she realized that trying to get Amanda to disclose to her wouldn't be so easy of a case to crack. Her typical understanding, compassionate approach wasn't going to work in this situation. Amanda was a sex crimes detective just like she was, and she knew all the tricks. She needed a different tactic.

"Okay." Olivia sighed at last, rising from the chair. "You're fine. Completely fine."

She pushed the chair back over to its original desk, watching Amanda blink quickly in shock out of the corner of her eye.

Turning back towards her, Olivia folded her arms and gazed down at her surprised, uncertain expression.

"But this…." Olivia motioned between them. "This is a partnership now. I don't know if you know how that works, but you have to trust each other. I stuck up for you in there, Amanda, but I can't continue to take responsibility for your actions."

Amanda's trembling lower lip tightened, and she glanced away, her fingers clenching around each other.

"I'm not asking you to." She whispered, huskily.

"Then, please…" Olivia replied, motioning towards Cragen's office. "Go explain to him what happened tonight. Word for word."

Amanda's shoulders tightened, her chin dipping, and Olivia could see the tears rising. She felt the smallest burn of regret in her chest, but she ignored it. She'd tried to be kind, but it seemed that Amanda only responded to her when she was pushed to her limits.

"I'll help you." Olivia offered, briskly, rounding the desk and taking her arm. "Let's go. If you're so certain you're fine."

It was one last, tiny prod, and the emotion rippled through Amanda's whole body like a line of dominos falling one after the other.

"I can't!" She burst out, flinging a watery, desperate gaze up at Olivia as she yanked her arm away.

"Then you're not fine." Olivia insisted, dropping down in front of her, and taking her hands again. "Amanda, I know this is hard, but you have to seek help before this blows up in your face again."

Amanda moaned quietly, her shoulders and head hunched, her fine, blonde hair tumbling over her flushed cheeks and watery eyes. Her hands were taut against Olivia's hold, her whole body rigid against Olivia's attempt to crack the wall she'd built around herself. She wasn't even going to let the tears fall.

Several stiff, silent seconds passed before Amanda extricated her fingers, roughly, and rubbed her hands over her face. She turned her chair back towards the desk and clasped her palms over her forehead. She stared at the desktop reticently, and Olivia remained beside her for a few more moments before she rose with a sigh.

It was enough for tonight. She didn't want to be responsible for anything more than an honest one-on-one.

"Okay." She relented in a low murmur. "But you have my number. Anytime you want to talk, pick up the phone."

Amanda didn't answer, didn't move, hardly even breathed, and Olivia hesitated for only a moment before she turned away from her. Grabbing her jacket from the chair, she pulled it only her arms, and tucked her cell into her pocket. Still, Amanda did not reply.

Olivia almost hated to leave her sitting there, distraught and helpless, but until she accepted that she needed help it was going to be useless to try to force her to talk. With a soft sigh and shake of her head, Olivia strode towards the elevator

As she hit the ground floor, her head was full of distracted thoughts. The night had begun so differently than it had ended, and she was unsure what to make of her and Amanda's strange, evolving relationship.

She hailed a cab and focused on what she knew for certain. She needed a damn drink.

**xxxxxxx**

Clemenza's was a small Italian restaurant and bar two blocks from the precinct that Olivia had discovered some time after her and Elliot's relationship had begun to crumble. So often, she'd expected to spend her nights with him or waiting to see him, and after the turmoil had truly begun, those nights became fewer and far between. She'd often found herself walking after she clocked off, sometimes at odd hours, but Clemenza's was always open and always inviting. She'd end up inside, sharing laughs with the bartender, nursing a glass of wine until with a curse she'd realize the sun had risen.

The familiar view of the brink facade, the dated fake foliage, and the neon red, cursive header brought a rush of relief to her chest, and she quickened her pace until she reached the front door. It seemed strange that she was arriving here with Amanda on her mind rather than Elliot, a dilemma that she tried quickly to ignore as soon as she realized it.

She began to shrug off her coat as she reached the bar, a smile touching her lips as she saw Lorenzo, her favorite bartender behind the counter.

"Livvy!" He greeted her with a smile, "How are you, darling?"

"Oh, you know…" Olivia trailed off as she slid on to the bar stool, finding it hard to come up with the polite lie that everything was perfect and good in her world.

Damn social etiquette and the expectation of happiness from every stranger on the street. She wasn't fine, and Lorenzo was her bartender. He'd no doubt heard much worse than what she was feeling. At least, that's what she told herself as she tossed him a grim expression to compliment her complaint.

"It's been a hell of a night."

"Not the finest for New York's Finest, no?" He replied, sympathetically. "What can I get you to lift your spirits?"

_Bless this man_. Olivia thought, smiling once more.

"Just a glass of wine. Red, please."

"Coming right up." Lorenzo assured her as he opened her tab and hurried off to prepare her drink.

Olivia heaved a sigh of relief as the the smallest bit of tension began to release from her shoulders. By habit she reached into her pocket to palm Elliot's shield as she contemplated the events of the evening.

She'd always sworn to herself that she would try to help every survivor that she came into contact with, no matter who they were or what the circumstance was, but on a personal level, Amanda didn't quite fit in to her crusader-like intentions. It was difficult even attempting to help her after the conflict between them, the tension, the attraction that she'd been trying to ignore since day one.

Some days - especially today- she just wanted Elliot back, the way things used to be. Before they'd known better, if they ever hadn't. Before they got in too deep. Before he'd had another kid and decided to demote her back to the other woman…

It'd been complicated then, but at least she'd known where her feelings were and exactly what she wanted from her partner. With Amanda, nothing was certain. Fate had caught them up together in a tornado of emotions and had yet to deposit them on safe ground.

"Here you go." Lorenzo interrupted her train of thought as he pushed the glass across to her before leaning on the counter. "Anything else I can get you? I hate to see you so blue, you know?"

Olivia scoffed a laugh as she accepted the drink, and immediately took the first satisfying sip.

"Have you ever met a woman so frustrating and annoying, and yet you can't get away from her, even if you wanted to?" Olivia questioned aloud impulsively.

_You haven't had that much to drink yet. _She chided herself as soon as the words had left her lips. Yes, Lorenzo was her bartender, but there were things she kept to herself and only herself.

Instead of judging her, however, Lorenzo burst into laughter.

"I am married, aren't I?" He asked, spreading his hands.

A flush washed over Olivia's cheeks, and she almost choked on her second sip of wine.

"Not like that." She quickly corrected him. "I meant a co-worker."

Lorenzo laughed and began to reply when something, or rather someone, caught his gaze over Olivia's shoulder.

"Maybe her?" He joked, motioning towards the entrance of the restaurant as Olivia twisted sharply in her seat.

She sputtered as her eyes landed on Amanda. She'd just stepped inside, and she stood hesitantly across the room from Olivia's position at the bar. Her eyes were piercingly blue against bloodshot white and puffy lids, glassy like the standing water on a placid lake. Their gazes met and her mouth twisted in a trembling line.

_You got me_. Her expression read as she shrugged a slow, silent surrender. _I give up_.

Olivia stared back at her, shocked at her presence for a long moment before she managed to pull her composure together. She motioned for her to come over, and Amanda's chin ducked, hiding her flushed, tear-streaked appearance. She quickly crossed the room and slid onto the stool next to her, her hands balled into fists on the counter.

"Can I get you anything, miss?" Lorenzo asked hesitantly.

Amanda stared at the bar for a moment, her hand clenched and white knuckled in front of her.

"Whiskey." She finally whispered roughly.

Olivia almost protested as she wondered over Amanda's state of mind and how wise it would be to allow her to self medicate before reminding herself she hadn't exactly made herself an ally in Amanda's eyes. She had no place to tell her what to do, and she certainly hadn't lead by example thus far either.

"Water too, please, Lorenzo." She urged him, quietly, deciding she would do what she could to keep Amanda from spiraling.

"Right away, miss."

He turned back towards the bar, leaving them alone in silence.

"Cragen suggested I might find you here." Amanda

whispered, lifting one hand to swipe away the lingering tears. "I just started thinking… You had the balls to tell me about Elliot, and you do deserve an explanation after what I put you through tonight."

"Amand-"

"Don't say I didn't do anything wrong." Amanda cut her off, quickly, casting her narrowed, watery gaze. "I know I fucked up."

Olivia sighed, softly, gazing down at her glass as she tried to think of how to phrase her next few words. She'd explained Elliot's departure to Amanda, but there were other things that were almost more painful that she didn't want to delve into. What Amanda needed right now, however, was safety, an assurance that she wasn't telling the wrong person her secrets.

"I've lived with PTSD, Amanda." Olivia murmured at last. "I know what it does to your head."

Amanda's fingers tightened around her whiskey glass, her lids fluttering shut

"Yeah, well…" She whispered huskily at last, her voice trembling. "I've never been diagnosed with PTSD, and maybe I wasn't even raped."

Her bitter words jolted Olivia's senses, and head snapped quickly in Amanda's direction. It was the first time that Amanda had directly referenced the trauma she'd gone through, but what concerned Olivia more was her denial of it.

"Amanda, I don't think…"

"You've heard of buyer's remorse." Amanda interrupted her, her voice stiffening. "I mean that term flies around rape accusations and reports in the media and sex crimes units… At least where I come from. If it's not a stranger, if it's not overtly violent, if it starts out consensual…."

Olivia listened to her train of thought, knowing exactly where it was headed. Of course, a woman like Amanda didn't want to be a victim. She was strong, opinionated, and independent with enough sass for two or three people combined. She didn't fit the stereotypical profile of a victim that society had adopted, but Olivia knew better. If Amanda wasn't so in her own head she might've realized the same thing.

"Well, I think we've worked together long enough for you to know that I don't believe that line of bull." Olivia finally returned. "Whatever happened to you was not your fault."

"Whatever you say." Amanda replied with a shrug.

Lorenzo returned with her drink, cutting off any reply that Olivia might've made, and Amanda accepted the drink with far too much hunger in her eyes. She took a long, deep drink, her eyes closed as she downed half the glass.

"You might want to make that two." She whispered.

"You want me to take her keys, Liv?" Lorenzo asked, his brow furrowing.

"Hey, asshole." Amanda snapped, her watery gaze flaring with indignance as she waved a hand at him. "What're you asking her for? Hello, grown adult here. I can take care of myself."

"Amanda…" Olivia cut in, trying to keep a soothing tone as Lorenzo's brows rose, and he held up his hands, defensively. "We're just worried about you."

"God…" Amanda whispered, pressing the cold glass to her forehead as her shoulders slumped. "I didn't mean for this to-... I just….I don't know…"

"It's okay. Take it easy." Olivia suggested, hesitantly reaching over to rub her shoulder.

Glancing over at Lorenzo, she told him, "She's fine. We just need a minute."

The bartender nodded, and quietly left them alone. He was soon engaged with another customer, and Olivia turned back towards Amanda who was nursing her whiskey in hasty sips.

"So…." Amanda whispered rigidly, staring at her glass as she swirled the ice. "What do you wanna know? Who it was? How it happened? How messed up I was afterwards…"

"No…" Olivia murmured, letting her fingers slip from Amanda's stiff shoulder. "I just want to know I can trust you in the field. Your state of mind is important enough as a civilian, but as a cop...we have even more responsibility."

"Don't you think I know that?" Amanda demanded, sharply, stabbing a finger at the counter "I wake up every day telling myself to keep it together, and I've done a damn good job so far. Tonight…. It was one fuck up."

"And it could've cost you a hell of a lot more than a bloody nose." Olivia pointed out as she leaned closer to her. "It could've cost us all-"

"Oh, thanks, Liv." Amanda snapped, cynically, turning on the bar stool to face her with snarling vehemence. "I'm glad to know I haven't graduated beyond a poor replacement for Elliot in your eyes!"

"Elliot has nothing to do with this." Olivia immediately returned as indignation and denial flooded her veins in rapid fire response.

She'd thought enough about Elliot tonight for both of them, and she didn't need Amanda digging any further inside that wound.

"No?" Amanda demanded, setting her glass down hard enough to slosh the remaining liquid up against the rim. "Semper Fi, right? Forever? I am never going to be good enough for you, no matter what I do. It doesn't matter that I let a man have my body to save somebody else's ass. It doesn't matter that no believed me. You can play saint all you want, but at the end of the day all you care about it Elliot."

"That is not true." Olivia insisted, her teeth clenched against every urge to retaliate.

She was trying her hardest to offer Amanda support, to be the partner that Cragen expected her to be, to be the advocate that she expected herself to be; but damn Amanda and her impulsive conclusions. No matter how much Olivia knew that her own behavior was the foundation of Amanda's opinion at the moment, she wanted to deny it and prove in some way that it was absolutely false if only for her conscience's sake.

"You know that's not true." Olivia repeated as Amanda stared at her with a red-rimmed expression of mistrust.

"How?" Amanda whispered, turning on the barstool until the were face to face, their knees pressed together, bone against sharp bone.

"How what?" Olivia whispered, her heart slamming up against her ribs with suppressed frustration and their sudden, intimate proximity.

"How do I know that it's not true?" Amanda clarified in a whisper, her brow furrowing with the slightest hint at fear rather than anger.

Olivia stared back at her for a long moment, trying to decipher her expression, the tremble in her soft lips, the tears that shimmered in her blue eyes like a cloudy sky at dawn.

_What are you thinking? _Olivia wondered silently. _What do you want me to say? How do you want me to say it? What words will make you unravel?_

She'd thought she needed a different tactic, and maybe she had; but staring into Amanda's eyes, she saw the vulnerability that she hadn't seen before. She'd crashed through the surface to the childlike desire for approval and acceptance. With her knuckles white around the barstool, shoulders taut and trembling, Amanda was ready to fall, and Olivia was suddenly and inexplicably convinced that she wanted her to catch her.

Olivia moved without thinking, abandoning every misguided instinct she'd formed in regards to Amanda. She slid down from the stool, and took Amanda's shoulders, felt her tremble in her hands.

"Come here." She whispered, pulling Amanda into her arms.

She felt Amanda stiffen in surprise, and her own heart raced in her chest. She'd offered physical comfort to hundreds of survivors, at crime scenes, in the backs of cruisers, in front of a lineup behind a two way mirror, but never like this. A few short hours ago they'd barely been able to stand each others presence, and now her instinct was screaming at her hug the younger woman like a friend.

For a silent, excruciating moment, Amanda seemed not to know what to do or how to respond, and Olivia wondered if she had made a mistake. She had nearly retracted her arms when Amanda's suddenly crumbled. Like a baby to her mother's milk, she sank into Olivia's chest. Her fingers clenched around the fabric of Olivia's shirt at her waist, the emotion welling up inside of her. Her shoulders drew tight, and Olivia could hear her breathing raggedly, but she bore it silently, either too afraid or too stubborn to break completely.

Olivia wondered quietly how many nights Amanda had endured the pain to be so strong as to deny the tears that so desperately wanted to fall. She wondered how long it had been since someone touched her like this. She wouldn't ask her. Instead, she just held her, calculating the soft weight of her in her arms. She haltingly stroked her back, all too viscerally aware of the feeling of Amanda against her chest winding itself into her memory. Each detail was too vivid and sharp to ever fade.

Finally, Amanda's fingers loosened from her waist. She straightened slowly, her head ducked to hide the stray tears that had managed to escape her lids. Olivia let her go, burying the hesitance to release her from the safe space of her arms.

Amanda roughly laughed, dashing at the tears with a shrug, "I guess I'm a lightweight tonight."

Despite her joking tone, Olivia didn't return the laugh. She inspected her expression critically, but much to her dismay the walls had gone back up.

"You're not going to tell me what happened, are you?" She asked, softly, her hands hovering at Amanda's arm.

The smile disintegrated from Amanda's lips, and she barely met her eyes as she shrugged once more in an effort at nonchalance.

"It was a long time ago… Not worth pursuing…" She finally replied, her voice husky.

She grabbed her drink from the counter, and tossed back the remaining liquid. In the overhead lights of the bar, Olivia could see the tear clinging her lashes and the way she roughly swallowed the alcohol and the emotion.

Setting the glass down, she raised her hand to call Lorenzo back over.

"Amanda, hold on." Olivia intervened. "You should drink some water."

"Don't worry you about me, Liv." Amanda suggested as she pulled out her wallet. "I'm done. No need to babysit me…Right?"

Olivia released a low sigh through clenched teeth, shaking her head as she tried to come up with a response to her own bitter words being thrown in her face.

"I shouldn't have said that." She admitted, quietly. "I shouldn't have said a lot of things. You're a good cop, Amanda."

Amanda scoffed, sliding down from the barstool.

"Please don't flatter me."

"Fine." Olivia insisted, standing with her and catching her arm. "No flatteries. Just honesty."

Amanda paused, glancing down at Olivia's hand touching her. A visible trembled washed over her, and her eyes darted away. Her jaw worked, and she reached up to quickly dash away an escaping tear.

"What do you want from me?" She asked at last, finally looking Olivia in the eye.

The desperation in her ocean eyes seized Olivia with an unflinching grip all over again, and in the back of her mind, she wondered if this was what she had been avoiding. Ever since Amanda had arrived, she had refused to look too closely, but now that she had, she could not remove her gaze.

"I…" She began in a whisper, her voice catching.

She'd glanced downwards, watched her own fingers tighten around Amanda's soft flesh. She'd promised honesty to Amanda, and self preservation to herself. Suddenly, it seemed that the two were not mutually compatible.

"I don't know for sure." She replied, quietly, forcing herself to meet Amanda's gaze once more. "For tonight, at least let me make sure you get home safe. I'm going to call a cab, and make sure you get in it."

Amanda's brow furrowed, and for a split second Olivia thought she might protest.

"Okay, yeah." Amanda replied at last with a shrug, her tone as nonchalant as though they were discussing dinner plans. "Whatever gets me out of here. This wallpaper is making me cringe."

Turning towards the exit, she strode off, her head lowered, shoulders squared. Olivia watched her, frozen for a moment at her cavalier attitude. Like a switch, she turned off the part of herself that was traumatized and vulnerable, and it shocked her how familiar it was. She'd done the same so often, and now she expected Amanda to unfold herself to her. It was almost laughable.

Sinking her hand into her pocket, Olivia clutched Elliot's badge once more. Then, she pushed herself off the stool and followed Amanda into the night.


	10. Chapter 10

Amanda hadn't realized just how hard the whiskey would hit until she was past the doorway with the whining of traffic and the blur of passing headlights making her head spin. She stumbled to a stop on the sidewalk as her head rushed and pulsed with the sudden intake of alcohol, and she grabbed her forehead with a grunt.

"Woah."

She started when she heard Olivia's voice in ear accompanied by the gentle but firm grasp of Olivia's hands on her waist.

"Careful." Olivia murmured as she steadied her.

"I-I'm fine." Amanda stuttered, her cheeks filling with a second rush of heat on top of the burn of intoxication.

She struggled away from Olivia, holding up her hands, even as Olivia's outstretched hand hovered inches from her hip.

"I'm fine." Amanda repeated, barely holding her voice steady.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked with a narrowed gaze.

Amanda's heart beat loud in her ears and she could feel her fingers quiver with anxiety.

_She can't break me. She can't break me. _

"Yes." She pushed the word roughly from her lips, and turned towards the road.

Her gaze bounced up and down the street, her unfocused gaze dragged back and forth by the passing vehicles. It wasn't until she heard Olivia call her name again that she noticed the cab pulled up next to the curb and Olivia motioning for her to join her.

_Fuck. Get it together_. She silently cursed herself as she trudged towards the cab.

Olivia had opened the door for her and when Amanda began to climb inside, Olivia took her arm. Despite her dulled senses, Amanda felt her touch as she always did—like fire and a thousand pulses of desire. It was harder to ignore, even harder to deny with the whiskey working through her veins. Slipping out of her touch, Amanda slid further into the cab, thankful that the night was almost over. In less than an hour she'd be in the solace of her own home, away from all her clamoring desires for Olivia's attention and acceptance. At least there she wouldn't publicly humiliate herself.

"Amanda. Your address?"

Amanda's eyes flicked open, and her lips parted in confusion when she saw Olivia sliding in next to her. The door shut behind her, causing Amanda to blink sharply as the noise resounded against her ears.

"Amanda?"

"What… what are you doing?" Amanda asked, digging her fingertips into her aching temple.

"You're in no condition to escort yourself." Olivia replied brusquely. "Please, Amanda… your address."

Amanda stared at her for another moment, but Olivia simply sat back and grabbed her seatbelt.

Amanda stuttered through the address before sinking into the seat. Pulling her jacket tighter around her waist, she stared out the window, wishing she could simply evaporate like rain on pavement.

She thought it would be better if she remained silent until she could escape the car, but as the minutes slowly passed while the cabbie meticulously navigated traffic, she began to feel desperation claw up her throat.

_What do you want? Why do you care? Why do I want you to care? _The questions milled through her mind over and over again, turning her throbbing head into torture chamber of suppressed emotions and haunting questions.

Despite her cynical facade, the urge to spill her darkest secret remained lodged in her chest, aching for a release that tears and commiserating hugs could not offer. Spitting out of the tiniest details like teeth from a broken jaw had been excruciating enough, but still the urge remained. Perhaps it would be less painful for Olivia to tear her apart than to do it herself from the inside out.

Pressing her forehead again the cold window, Amanda struggled to contain trembling cries. Tears slipped from beneath her lids, and she wiped them away as discreetly as she could manage.

When the cab rolled to a stop, she opened her hazy eyes and gazed up towards the familiar sight of her apartment building.

"Amanda?" Olivia murmured. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah." Amanda choked out. "I'm fine."

_I'm fine. _She was so sick of being fine.

Struggling with the tangled pull of the seatbelt, she shoved the door open. Finally escaping from the cab, she charges towards the apartment building, her hands clutched at her sides.

"Amanda, wait!"

She spun around when she heard Olivia's voice behind her. Swaying on the sidewalk, she bit back tears as Olivia rushed away from the departing cab and straight towards her. The concern on her face was written in the deep creases of her brow and mouth, the kind that Amanda had wished for all those weeks ago in the precinct bathroom. Flashes of a conversation she'd damn near memorized passed through her mind as she helplessly watched Olivia converge upon her.

"_It's not personal…"_

"_I think it is personal…"_

"_I don't think either of us need this right now…"_

"_Need what?"_

"_This… Trying to figure out what this is… what we want from each other…"_

"_Maybe I just wanted a colleague I could trust…"_

"_You don't trust many people, do you?"_

"I want to trust you." Amanda blurted out as Olivia reached her and sobs welled unbearably in her throat.

"Amanda…" Olivia murmured, her voice so gentle, so tender as her warm palms cradled Amanda's tear-stained cheeks.

Amanda grabbed Olivia's arms, her fingers twisting in the material of her jacket as she struggled to pull her closer, to regain the support and comfort she'd felt inside the bar just before giving in to the same old defense mechanisms. Deny. Dismiss. Distract. She couldn't do it anymore. Not tonight.

"I want to…" She choked, seeking Olivia gaze.

She wanted to know that Olivia believed her - not just about this, but about everything - but Olivia's eyes were clouded too.

"Amanda…" She murmured once more, just before pulling her in.

She pressed her mouth to Amanda's cheek, and felt like an apology and an olive branch all at once, the one she'd been grasping for since she'd arrived alone and afraid in New York City. All her desires were wrapped up in those lips, and she felt weak with the sudden deliverance. She sagged against Olivia, her eyes pressed closed as she soaked up the warmth of Olivias' lips against her cold, tear-stained cheekbone. Her fingers quivered around the fisted material of Olivia's jacket, and she could hear her breath rushing heavily from her lips. A tear split from her eyelid, rushing to meet the seam of Olivia's mouth to offer a taste of the bitter fear that she'd carried for far too long.

Amanda trembled as Olivia pulled back only to press a second kiss to her cheek, then another and another until Amanda could scarcely deny the gentle persuasion of her lips any longer. She ducked her face towards Olivia's and their noses bumped against one another. She felt Olivia's breath on her mouth, and then with a single, impulsive tilt of her chin, their lips were pressed together. Olivia's top lip fit just inside her mouth, filling her senses with warm flesh and traces of saliva and her own tears, filling her body with sudden euphoria. The moment swelled, neither of them moving for a long moment of suspended desire and tension. Amanda didn't dare to press any further or to open her mouth with further passion. The moment was fragile enough, and she clung to each second, knowing that it might be the last.

When Olivia pushed into her, taking her by surprise, she barely remained on her feet. Olivia's fingers sank into her hair, holding her tight as she plied Amanda mouth open with several rough kisses to her lips. Amanda panted heavily, her eyelids fluttering until the lights of New York turned into a flashing strobe beyond her lids and all she could think of was Olivia's tongue inside her mouth.

The kiss could've lasted for hours or seconds. Time turned on itself and on her. She could hardly discern one kiss from another, one pulse of pleasure from one beat of her heart. She was riding one wave of desire after another until-

Suddenly Olivia pulled back, and Amanda swayed unsteadily as Olivia's firm grasp left her bereft and unstable. She stumbled before getting her footing, and the world came into focus around her once more. She heard her heartbeat in her ears above the sound of traffic and the throb of pleasure slowly began to wane.

Olivia was standing at the edge of the sidewalk, her back turned. She was bracing herself against the pole of the crosswalk sign with one hand while the other clutched her mouth. Above her, the hand flashed bright red in disorienting pulses.

"Oliv-"

Amanda began to say her name, but as soon as the first syllable left her mouth, Olivia pushed away from the pole. Lifting her hand, she hailed a nearby cab.

"Olivia." Amanda heard the quiver in her voice.

Olivia shoulders tightened, but still she did not turn.

"Olivia!" Amanda insisted, breaking away from the spot where she had been frozen.

Rushing to Olivia's side, Amanda grabbed her shoulder as she felt tears in her eyes.

"Olivia, wait." She whispered, staring up at Olivia's profile.

"I hope you know I cannot do this." Olivia whispered sharply, staring at the street.

"I…"

"I'm sorry." Olivia continued, her voice wavering. "I take full responsibility. I never should have followed you home. I never should've…"

Her voice trailed away with a harsh swallow, but they both knew the rest.

_I never should've kissed you._

"Olivia…." Amanda protested in a whisper as the cab pulled up to the curb and Olivia grabbed the door handle.

She could feel the tears coming, the way her chest would ache as she was used and abandoned once more. She was always just going to be someone's second choice, someone's "fun time" when things got boring, someone's distraction when their own vices didn't cut it.

_A whore. A slut. A piece of ass._

All the things that the people - some of her so-called friends and family - in Atlanta had insisted that she was. They'd said them until she ran away like a scared child, yet even here in the city of so much opportunity she could not escape her fate.

She turned suddenly from the curb as her breath rushed harshly in and out of her lungs. Her ears were ringing and the pleasure was long gone. She felt numb, pain dulled to an ache like lungs exposed to winter air. Olivia might've called her name, or it might've just been the ghosts of yesteryear, coming back to collect on promises. Either way, she didn't look back.

**xxxxxx**

**3 weeks later**

The courthouse halls were loud and bustling, voices humming, cell phones ringing, and shoes clicking against the marble adding to the cacophony. It was a little past one o clock, and most of the judges had recessed for lunch an hour ago.

Seated on the bench outside of courtroom 5, Amanda bounced her leg and picked at one nail as she waited. She could've left the courthouse, picked up some brunch or coffee and otherwise entertained herself in the meantime, but the anxiety of the day had not allowed her to leave the bench.

Rory Halstead's rapists' preliminary trial was commencing today, and if the judge decided to indict, they'd be tried as adults. It was one small blessing out of all the tragedies surrounding the case. In less than half an hour she'd know whether to celebrate or to drown her sorrows in a bottle of whiskey. Amanda was certain they had enough evidence to move forward, but rape cases were always a toss up.

_Trust Barba._ She'd tried to convince herself several times. _He knows what he's doing. _

She breathed out a long sigh, and leaned onto her knees, spearing her fingers through her tousled hair. She stared down at the pattern of the floor tiles, but all she could see in her head was Rory. She wasn't sure why the case had hit her so hard. She'd seen so many rape victims of all different ages, races, and genders, but Rory had gotten to her. The turmoil with Olivia at the time hadn't quelled her emotions towards the whole situation in the least.

She'd figured she was required to forgive Olivia for what had happened during Rory's case in exchange for Olivia taking the heat for her over Hughes, but they hadn't talked much about either event. The bar that night had been their last real conversation, and once that fateful kiss had ended, Amanda had decided that their friendship - or any relationship for that matter - was doomed. She'd let Olivia too close and she had nothing to show for it but another wound in her heart.

She'd tried to tell herself that her knowledge of Olivia's personal problems with Elliot were enough for the failed kiss to be her own fault, but Olivia's rejection hurt far more than she ever wanted to admit. Combined with her own past and the moments of vulnerability she'd shown to Olivia, she'd felt like nothing more than pulsing, aching bruise. She'd spent the rest of that night in wasted self-pity, barely able to face her own reflection in the mirror, much less Olivia the next day.

Avoiding Olivia at all costs took skill, especially after Olivia had licked her own wounds and attempted to patch things up between them. She'd pulled Amanda into interrogation one late one evening after a week of stilted silence between them.

"_I have to apologize for what happened." Olivia had insisted, staring intensely into her eyes with that look of pity and concern that Amanda knew so well and hated so much._

"_You already did that." Amanda hissed, grabbing the door._

"_Well… it's not nearly enough." Olivia grabbed her arm and pulled her back._

_For half a moment, Amanda had wanted to give in, but she knew what came after the embrace - just another letdown._

"_Look. This isn't about me." Amanda retorted. "This is about Elliot. As always."_

_Olivia eyes flashed, and she took a step back. "Of course it is. I just made this mistake and I cannot do it again, Amanda, do you understand?"_

"_Sure." Amanda replied with a shrug as she yanked the door open. "Whatever, man."_

They'd remained partners, but little more, much to Amanda's own deliberate design.

Glancing at her watch once more, Amanda vacillated between remaining on the bench to get the first seat in the courtroom or leaving to grab a much needed smoke and coffee break. As was typical, her anxieties and her addictions were at war, leaving her with a feeling of directionless peril.

At last, she jumped up from the bench and strode towards the elevator, unable to take the waiting game and the thoughts that plagued her.

She was halfway down the hall when the doors of the elevator creaked open, and the group of commuters spilled from within, rushing towards their destinations.

The carriage had nearly emptied when Amanda saw her.

_No, no, no, no._

The sight of Olivia leaning against the railing at the back of the elevator stopped Amanda in her tracks.

_What is she doing here? _She wondered, her heart suddenly clamoring in her chest.

She'd specifically come here alone in order to escape wondering glances. After Hughes, the rest of the squad had adopted a careful tone around her, a type of sensitivity that was reserved for the vics. Amanda loathed their silent glances, their hesitantly placed questions, their barely veiled concerns. She hated to feel like anything other than the fearless detective she'd worked so hard to present herself as. Thanks to Olivia, it'd all gone to waste.

She swayed in the middle of the hall, anxiety clenching her throat as Olivia's eyes lifted. Her dark gaze barely scanned the hall before locking directly upon her. Amanda's jaw clenched, and her hands trembled into fists beside her even as Olivia's mouth lifted in a hesitant, sympathetic smile.

"Hi." She mouthed soft greeting across the hall, and Amanda felt her lips tremble.

She spun away, staring hard down the hall, wishing for the impossible scenario that Olivia hadn't seen her and she could still escape.

Olivia's distinct footsteps roared in her ears above the cacophony of the courthouse, and Amanda braced herself for the inevitable.

"You trying to avoid me?" Olivia question was posed a light quip, but Amanda already knew the layers of their conversations, the ways they could so easily fool themselves into thinking they meant anything other than what they said.

"No." Amanda lied, her throat tight as she turned to face her.

Olivia's expression was held carefully between concern and amusement, a striking balance for a woman who wore her heart on her sleeve more often than she cared to admit. It would be hypocritical, Amanda thought, to desire Olivia's true thoughts when she'd held her own so tightly to her vest that evening in the bar.

"This case has just got me…" Amanda motioned vaguely, forcing a smile.

"Right." Olivia murmured, her gaze tracking Amanda's face too intensely for comfort. "I just had to run some things by Barba." She added, an unnecessary excuse when they both knew the truth.

"So you just decided to follow him over to prosecution too?" Amanda asked, the question leaving her lips too pointedly to be joking.

"I was actually hoping you'd be all right with me joining your for the indictment." Olivia's serious tone cut through whatever humor Amanda had managed to muster.

"Oh." She rasped, shifting uncomfortably. "Well, I, uh… I was just about to go out for a smoke."

Shoving her hand into her pocket, she fished out the crumpled package as if to prove that it wasn't a scheme to escape Olivia.

Olivia glanced critically at the cigarettes, and Amanda could sense a rebuke on her lips.

"I know. Bad habit." She conceded, forcing a smile. "It is what it is."

"I will wait for you then." Olivia replied, her voice taking on a softer tone as her eyes shifted back to Amanda's.

"Right." Amanda whispered, ducking her head as she turned towards the elevator once more, unable to take Olivia's gaze any longer.

She hardly breathed until she hit the ground floor and found herself rushing towards the exit, her exhales coming quick and shallow. She fumbled for her cigarettes and lighter as she crossed the wide marble porch. Leaning against one of the pillars, she placed the cigarette between her lips and flicked the lighter with a trembling hand. The nicotine caught flame and she inhaled sharply, her eyes fluttering closed as the first soothing rush of smoke filled her lungs.

She sagged against the pillar, trying to manage her emotions. She'd purposefully avoided Olivia for the past month, convinced that if she acted like nothing had happened then it would simply be so. A partnership that she'd had so much hope for now clung to the back of her throat like a bad aftertaste, the cloying remains of regret and humiliation. If only it could all be washed away by a cigarette or a drink or three weeks of silence.

Opening her eyes, Amanda watched the busy street below. At the pinnacle of Justice and Truth, she felt no more enlightened than the weary travelers below.

The cigarette dwindled slowly, ash crumbling to nothing as she desperately tried to soothe her frayed nerves with the nicotine. At last, she realized several minutes had passed and it had not occurred to her to look at her watch since leaving the building.

"Damn." She whispered, glancing down at her wrist. "_Damn._"

Tossing the stub of her cigarette, Amanda pushed away from the pillar and strode towards the building.

It was Judgement Day.


	11. Chapter 11

**_Merry Christmas :)_**

**_xxxxxxx_**

Olivia wanted to believe that it was duty that had driven her to the courthouse, a burning desire to see Justice fulfilled; but it wasn't duty. It was guilt; both she and Amanda damn well knew it. She had a conscience after all, though Olivia wondered if Rory Halstead could be convinced of that if he knew the truth of that night.

The young man sat rigidly a few rows in front of her, so obviously filled with discomfort and pain. His long hair was combed back, and his baggy, black clothing had been exchanged for a navy blue suit, but even at this distance as a simple bystander, Olivia could tell that it was an ill-fitting disguise. The trauma he carried with him would not be so easily dressed up and smoothed down. He may never know who she was or how she might've contributed to his suffering, but she was fully aware, perhaps more than she wanted to be.

Duty had driven here, but in the end it was guilt that had forced her up the steps of the courthouse. Seeing Amanda pacing the hall had only reinforced those gut wrenching feelings.

She knew what she owed to Rory, but what about Amanda?

She'd played that moment over and over again in her head, tracked her steps from the bar to the cab, from the cab to Amanda. She'd listened to Amanda's voice ring out in her head, proclaiming in utter desperation and vulnerability that she wanted to trust _her, _Olivia Benson, the woman who'd scorned her since day one. She'd felt a gravity then, a compelling force of nature, the inherent connection of their womanhood and their trauma. Although they'd never been completely honest with each other, they somehow understood each other beyond words, beyond the barriers that patriarchal institutions had thrown between them, beyond their own internalized misgivings that had so twisted their perceptions. For a moment, they'd simply been two women, sharing an understanding, instead of two cops engaged in a bitter struggle of disillusionment and misinterpretations; and for just that moment, Olivia had wanted to give in.

When she'd come up for air, however, reality had slapped her hard in the face. The regret had been instantaneous and instinctual. She'd made a mistake, the same one she'd just finished making, and Amanda could not seem to understand. Olivia wasn't sure what Amanda had expected to happen after the impulsive kiss, but it certainly could not be anything romantic or sexual, no matter how short-lived and desired.

What was left between them now was an awkward partnership that verged on divorce. She'd attempted to apologize to Amanda, but the younger detective had hardly been receptive - not that Olivia could blame her. Still, she could scarcely take the brooding silence and stilted exchanges. More than once Olivia had been tempted to go to Cragen and ask for a different partner. She'd played out entire conversations in her head with arguments ranging from "we've learned our lesson" to "Amaro or Fin can watch over her just as well as I can"_. _Somehow, they'd both sounded utterly false even inside the confines of her own desperate mind. What lessons had they possibly learned and what type of watchman could the other detectives be when they knew so little? No, she and Amanda had dug themselves into a tight hole in which they were both suffocating, so close and yet so far from one another.

She'd barely managed to say why she was at the courthouse to begin with before Amanda had managed to escape, a look of horror and fear barely hiding beneath her unbothered facade.

Glancing back towards the doors of the courtroom, Olivia wondered whether Amanda would rejoin her at all. She knew that Amanda would not miss the indictment, and she half expected to see her hovering against the back wall, arms folded, mouth in that perpetual pout.

The thought of the other detective's lips forced a tremor down her spine and she exhaled shakily. She turned forward in her seat when she didn't see her partner avoiding her once more and tried to focus on other less conflicting thoughts.

Olivia tried to be patient, but the minutes dragged onwards, each one slower than the last. When the bailiff began to bring in the accused boys, Olivia glanced nervously towards the doors once more. Had she truly chased Amanda away from the indictment and the first step towards justice?

The judge was beginning to take the bench when she heard the doors open behind her. She turned quickly and her gaze caught Amanda's from across the room. The other woman appeared flushed and harried, and Olivia attempted to offer her another reassuring smile. Amanda's eyes quickly dropped to the floor and she slunk down the aisle as the docket was read. Slipping into the seat next to Olivia, Amanda hardly glanced her way, her small, pale hands clutched in front of her. The smell of the outdoors and cigarette smoke lingered on her and it reminded Olivia of that night. Only the whiskey was missing, that crucial component that had lifted the barriers between them and lowered their inhibitions.

Olivia cleared her throat and forced her eyes towards the front. This was Rory's moment. She'd come here to pay back what little she could. Her and Amanda's faltering communication had to be a second priority to the boy three rows in front of them.

Barba had entered charges of kidnapping, gang assault, and rape in the first degree, all class B felonies, but it hardly seemed enough for what had been done to Rory - not even the fact that the Hate Crime act ensured prison time. She could only hope that facing his tormentors in court would begin to heal Rory's wounds.

"Let me begin by saying that this is the type of case one wishes they'd never have to oversee." The judge began grimly. "I've reviewed the evidence the prosecution has brought forward and the arguments that the defense have presented and it is my ruling that there is more than enough probable cause to move to trial."

"Oh my god." Olivia whispered, grasping her pounding heart as relief washed over her, a blessed wave that released a portion of her guilt.

A murmur swept across the courtroom, and beside Rory, his mother cried out, turning to grab her son in a hug of victory.

"I'm formally indicting all three defendents: Garrett Ives, Evan Malone, and Steven LaMonte." The judge concluded. "One count of kidnapping in the second degree, one count of gang assault in the first degree, and one count of rape in first degree. The trial will commence next month. Until then, the defendants' original bail agreements will continue. Thank you."

Another round of whisperings took over the courtroom and Olivia glanced quickly over at Amanda; the other detective was staring at the front of the courtroom as though she couldn't quite believe the outcome.

"You did it." Olivia whispered, instinctively grabbing Amanda's knee with a reassuring squeeze.

Amanda glanced over at her, her brow furrowed, a sheen of tears glimmering in her blue eyes.

"Not yet." Amanda whispered with a harsh swallow. "There's still going to be a trial."

"I know that but-" Olivia began, but Amanda was standing quickly from the bench, dashing at a tear that had managed to escape her eye.

"Amanda, hold on." Olivia rose with her, momentary panic seizing her.

If she allowed Amanda to walk out of this courtroom, she wasn't sure when she'd be able to gather her courage again. They'd walked this fine line for weeks and she needed something to change.

Amanda paused, glancing back at her.

"Let me buy you a drink." Olivia offered at last.

Amanda's brows rose, and she glanced off at the front of the room with a look of cynicism. "Are you sure you want to do that?"

"Yes." Olivia whispered firmly.

She wanted to reach out to her, touch her again, but she held her hands at her side. She could only make the situation worse by initiating any sort of sympathetic or personal contact.

Amanda worked her teeth over her lip, her expression pensive as gazed back at Olivia. She was weighing the pros and the cons, the possible outcomes good or bad. Olivia wondered what might've happened if they had put as much forethought into their last drink together. She felt a strange dissonance inside her heart at the idea of the kiss never happening, even as she went forth to destroy the possibility of a second attempt at intimacy.

Trying to ignore the discrepancy between her moral and instinctual desires, Olivia pushed onwards, "This is a good day, Amanda. You should take this win for what it is."

Amanda's brow smoothed as she gazed back at her. Olivia could sense that Amanda wanted to give in but she was afraid to push too hard. Despite Amanda's tough facade, Olivia had begun to realize that she required a more delicate, sensitive touch, something she'd ruthlessly ignored for the better half of their relationship.

"All right…" Amanda acqueisced at last though an undercurrent of mistrust ran through her voice.

"All right." Olivia echoed with a smile. "Let's walk."

**xxxxxx**

When Amanda had seen Olivia standing in the elevator she hadn't expected to be walking arm and arm with her only an hour later.

Her palm was resting on Olivia's wrist, her tucked against Olivia's side, nearly too close for comfort. She could scarcely think of anything else as the elevator reached the ground floor, but she couldn't coax another protest from her lips. She intermittently glanced over at Olivia's profile, hoping to catch some sort of clue inside the lines and planes of her olive skin, but her motives were as unclear as they had been three weeks ago.

Amanda averted her gaze as Olivia lead them across the wide, marble-floored atrium and out onto the bustling street. She couldn't be caught staring, especially as the crowd swelled around them.

"The Mets are playing." Olivia commented as they reached the corner of the sidewalk. "I figure we can catch the end of the second inning."

"I didn't know you watched baseball." Amanda replied, glancing around them.

She felt far too aware of their linked arms, of the hoards of people passing by them, their eyes watching.

_This is New York, dummy._ She reprimanded herself. _Not fucking backwoods Georgia… No one cares here…_

"It's a part of the culture." Olivia replied easily. "So how's New York baseball compared to Georgia?"

The light turned, and the WALK sign flashed an affirmative. Amanda moved with Olivia, feeling uncoordinated and uncertain. The conversation seemed so banal. After their last exchange in a bar, this small talk sounded terrible bland and not entirely sincere.

"Well, you know small towns." Amanda finally replied, forcing herself into the small talk around the knot in her throat. "We're serious about our sports."

"Mmm," Olivia nodded. "Did you play in high school?"

"Oh yeah," Amanda said with a rough chuckle. "But I preferred tackle football in the backyard with the guys."

"I can imagine." Olivia smiled over at her. "I can just see you red-faced and dirty, taking on boys twice your size."

Amanda swallowed even harder at Olivia surprisingly vivid description of her, forcing her own laugh.

"Something like that." She whispered, glancing towards the sidewalk in front of her to hide the flush in her cheeks. "Let me guess, you were more of the debate team and prom queen?"

"Senior year." Olivia affirmed with a sigh. "That was back when brunettes with feathered hair and thick eyebrows were in instead of blonde hair and blue eyes."

"God, no, I would've never." Amanda shook her head quickly, nervous laughter bubbling up in her throat. "I wasn't even on the ballot."

"I suppose that suited you." Olivia said softly, as though she understood Amanda far more than Amanda ever wanted her to.

She couldn't find her voice to reply, and she was relieved when their footsteps brought them to their destination. She quickly slipped her arm away from Olivia's to pull the door open, allowing her to enter ahead. She was only able to breathe again when the other woman's back was to her, relieving her of her intense gaze.

She stepped inside after Olivia, welcoming the din of people talking and the TVs playing above to bar. In some kind of chaos perhaps her obvious discomfort would be lost.

They situated themselves at the bar, and Amanda busied herself by taking off her jacket to fill the empty spaces where she might have to look at Olivia to hold some kind of conversation.

She heard Olivia order for them, and she clenched her teeth in annoyance that Olivia knew her well enough to choose her drink order. It seemed like a detail that required much more intimacy than they'd managed to share in the past few weeks. The thought of intimacy and kisses shoved a knot of dread into Amanda's throat.

_One kiss does not a relationship make._ She told herself bitterly.

"So…" Olivia said as they settled into the stools. "Want to make a bet at who's winning?"

"What?" Amanda stuttered out, her stomach lurching at Olivia's far too poignant joke. "I...uh …"

In truth, she'd already placed her bets this morning, but surely Olivia couldn't know that.

"I always root for the Mets." Olivia added. "But I suppose that's the born and bred New Yorker in me."

Amanda shifted uncomfortably in her seat. This stilted attempt at friendship was nearly more than she could take. She preferred the truth over thinly veiled advances and she knew Olivia did as well. Perhaps that was why the entire exchange was falling so flat.

"Liv, look-" Amanda began, finally meeting her gaze.

"Don't." Olivia stopped her abruptly, her voice quiet yet firm.

Amanda swallowed hard as their gazes clashed tumultuously over the jovial atmosphere.

"I just…" Amanda whispered. "I don't know what you're doing."

Olivia pursed her lips and glanced back at the TV above the bar. Ironically, Amanda noted, the Mets were losing.

"I owe you an apology." Olivia replied at last, her chest compressing with a deep sigh as her gaze fell to the gleaming bar. "Maybe more than one."

"God, Liv…" Amanda turned away with a groan.

"Just let me-"

"No, _no_." Amanda shook her head quickly. I don't want your guilt, Liv."

She was suddenly fed up with their weeks of silence and denial, and sick to her stomach of swallowing all the things she wanted to say.

She tossed her a quick glance to see Olivia's brow furrowed, her gaze caught somewhere between desperation and frustration.

"I never asked you to be sorry." Amanda whispered quietly, unable to take another guilt-ridden, misguided apology.

Olivia looked away quickly, her fingers clenched around the glass.

"Amanda, I can't-"

"You keep saying that, but you did." Amanda cut her off, stabbing a finger at the bar. "You kissed me. You did that and yeah, I didn't stop you. But I didn't want to."

She felt breathless when the words came out, both terrified and relieved. She'd wanted to say those words for weeks, but she'd thought it better to bury that night in hopes that if it were out of sight it could be out of mind, but the dams she'd built to keep her feelings at bay had been weak and full of holes. One look, one touch from Olivia had shattered her; and sitting across from her, Olivia seemed no less emotionally battered.

She was staring down at her drink, her lips tight over words that Amanda knew wanted to spill out.

"Look." Amanda whispered huskily. "I've not always been able to be completely open with you, but I've always met you halfway."

Olivia nodded slowly before ducking her head to dash at the corner of her eye. When she lifted her head any trace of the shed tear was gone.

"I did kiss you." She admitted at last, her voice rough. "In the moment...I felt close to you. I don't feel that way often with...with anyone."

Olivia met her gaze at last and Amanda gripped her glass hard. She wanted to grab her and pull her in again. She'd kiss her harder this time, she imagined.

"Me neither." She said instead, remaining firmly seated in her chair.

"I'm just not sure it goes deeper." Olivia continued with a shake of her head, her voice hardening against emotion.

"Deeper than what?" Amanda asked.

"I've just gotten out of a relationship, Amanda." Olivia insisted, glancing over at her. "It's hard to discern my true feelings towards any type of romance. I cannot say that I love you or even that I am looking for another relationship. I know that I am tired and that I am alone, and I have been for awhile, and it would be unfair to expect you to fill those spaces without anything in return."

Amanda stared at her for a moment as the words settled in the air.

"What's to say I don't feel tired or alone?" Amanda whispered at last. "What's to say I don't feel capable of love? What's to say I want anything in return?"

"I'm sure you-"

"You don't know that." Amanda cut her off as tears stung her eyes. "I'm not asking for flowers and chocolates. I'm not asking for what you think love is."

"What are you asking for then?" Olivia asked, catching Amanda's eyes with her own dark, fiery ones.

Despite her sudden honesty, the true root of their relationship clung to the back of her tongue.

"I think you know." She replied, her voice emitting like gravel about the sounds of the TV and the conversations around them.

"That's not good enough." Olivia returned, her eyes narrowing as she dug into Amanda's expression for the truth.

"I only said I'd meet you halfway." Amanda whispered, turning quickly towards her drink to hide the flush that rose on her cheeks.

She took a deep gulp, felt the alcohol burn her throat, and focused on the physical heat of whiskey over desire.

Her heart raced when she felt Olivia's hand on her arm, fingers tight and demanding. She glanced over and found their faces mere inches apart, warm breath and whiskey perfuming the air between them.

Amanda gazed down at Olivia's lips and felt a groan in her throat.

"Jesus." She whispered, hanging her head until her forehead pressed against the cool grain of the bar.

Despite Amanda's frustrations, neither she nor Olivia could say it or even define it, but it hung there between them like something they couldn't ignore. The acknowledgement of their desires felt all too inevitable, but it wouldn't be today, not here when they were both so raw and vulnerable.

For a long moment all Amanda could hear was the pounding of her heart in her ears before Olivia's hand slipped away from her arm. It was both a relief and a loss.

"Let's finish up." Olivia said at last. "I promised Cragen I'd have you back to the house."

Any other day Amanda would've protested, but she couldn't. She wasn't even sure she wanted to.


	12. Chapter 12

When Amanda and Olivia returned to the precinct, Olivia was catching new complaints and reports while Amanda went quietly to her desk to complete paperwork. Amaro and Fin left for lunch, leaving them relatively alone in the squad room, but all chances of speaking to each other personally had passed once they left the bar. Amanda's blonde head remained tilted downwards in concentration - or at least the appearance of it - and Olivia could scarcely catch a glance of her expression with stolen glances from across the room or through the blinds of the conference room. Less than an hour after they struggled to find their rhythm of work again, a woman entered the room to file a complaint against her boyfriend, and Olivia had no more time to ponder to Amanda's thoughts, but her own remained staunchly at the forefront of her mind.

She hadn't expected Amanda to be so brutally truthful. The younger detective had evaded her in the weeks following their fateful kiss, but once they'd entered the bar, the defensives had come crashing down; and Olivia could not shake her words.

_You kissed me. You did that and yeah, I didn't stop you. But I didn't want to._

The mutual confirmation of their intentions behind the kiss shook Olivia to the core. She'd known that Amanda had fostered feelings for her in the beginning, but she'd never imagined that they went deeper than physical attraction. She'd had her share of those types of crushes and was no stranger to it happening at work, but her relationship with Amanda had taken her by surprise, kicked her while she was down, and wouldn't let her up. The possibility that her own desires went any further than fling to fill her loneliness had seemed ridiculous right up until she was staring Amanda down, demanding that she spell out exactly what Amanda wanted from her.

_I think you know._ Amanda's answer had been as gratifying as it had been frustrating.

It would be so simple to ground down the sparks between them to simple sexual infatuation. It would be easier. It wouldn't be so terrifying, but Olivia could not shake the idea that it was something more.

The mess inside her head was no less tangled by the time the sun set than when she'd first walked Amanda to the bar.

She'd taken Fin with her to make an arrest on the boyfriend of her complainant, leaving Amanda firmly planted at the desk. She'd asked Amanda if she wanted to make a solid collar with her, but Amanda had waved her off and Fin had been too quick to volunteer before she could convince Amanda any further.

By the the time she and Fin made the arrest, dropped by Warners' for DNA to match to the rape kit, headed to the tombs and back home, it was late and it had been several hours since she'd seen her partner.

As she directed the squad car back towards the precinct, the inside of the vehicle was silent. Despite her focus on the road, her mind was doubly engaged. The excitement of the arrest had momentarily distracted her from the conflict in her mind, but the slow process at booking had left spaces for her thoughts of Amanda to creep in once more. Now that the high of the collar had burnt out entirely, she was left bereft of any sort of diversion.

"You mind?" Fin asked, and she blinked quickly, glancing over at his motion towards the radio.

"Oh. Yeah." She confirmed, glancing back towards the road. "Go ahead."

Fin turned the dial on the radio and soft R&B filtered the speakers at a low volume. She tried to relax her shoulders and listen to the smooth voice of the singer as he crooned of love and abandon.

"You good?" Fin asked after a moment.

"Yeah, yeah." Olivia answered quickly, almost too quickly to be honest.

"You sure?" Fin prodded after a moment's hesitation.

"Just been a long day." Olivia replied with a sigh as they came to a stop at a red light.

Tilting her head back against the head rest, she stared up at the burning red light and attempted to smooth out her facial expression.

"You know, Liv, I don't mind working with Rollins." Fin said suddenly, causing her straighten in her seat.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked, clutching the steering wheel harder.

"Just what I said." Fin replied with a shrug. "I don't mind it. I think she's a good cop."

"Yeah, so do I." Olivia returned sharply before quietly cursing herself for the defensiveness in her tone.

"I know the cap'n put you two together to work things out, but it don't gotta be forever." Fin continued.

"What is this, Fin?" Olivia demanded, stepping on the pedal as the light turned green. "I can handle working with people other than Elliot. I've worked with you long enough for-"

"Liv." Fin interrupted, holding up his hands to calm her. "It's not somthin' against you, baby, I just see things, all right?"

Olivia stared at the road, her fingers tight around the steering wheel. She realized dismally that her shoulders her clenched and tense all over again - and that Fin was right. She and Amanda were in a deadlock and they had been for some time.

"Give me a few more weeks." She murmured at last. "I'll figure this out and she'll be all yours again."

"Whatever you say." Fin assured her. "Just know I got your back."

Olivia didn't reply, but the agreements between them had largely gone unspoken for the better part of their partnership. She let the conversation die, and by the time they returned to the precinct, Olivia had begun to think that she couldn't allow her and Amanda's relationship to continue in its current condition for much longer. Cragen already knew the fragile nature of their alliance and with Fin's acknowledgement of the tension between, Olivia wondered if it might be better to allow Amanda to return to Fin's side. Surely, their continued time together couldn't amount to anything more than another mistake and perhaps one more fatal.

"I'm outta here." Fin told her as they entered the squad room. "Wanna file paperwork tomorrow?"

"Nah." Olivia replied with a shrug. "I'll just do it now."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." Olivia flashed him a quick, reassuring smile as she settled down at her desk.

She didn't mind doing paperwork, but there were other less professional motives on her mind for staying behind.

"Right. See you tomorrow." Fin said as he locked up his gun and grabbed his coat. "See ya, Rollins."

Olivia glanced over her shoulder at the person of her thoughts as Amanda waved at Fin with a short smile before her head ducked again.

As Fin's footsteps retreated, Olivia sank back in the chair and stared at the desk for a long moment. They were alone and yet she felt a barrier between them, something that stopped the words from coming out of her mouth. It was the same barrier that had caused her to cut short their conversation at the bar in return for arriving back at the precinct early. She was beginning to feel that it had less to do with Amanda and more to do with her own fear.

"Are you really staying?"

Amanda's voice behind her startled her and Olivia's eyes popped open. She hadn't realized she'd squeezed them closed against a burgeoning headache.

"Uh, yeah." She replied, rubbing her fingers against her temple before straightening in the chair.

"Sorry about that arrest. I just had a lot to do." Amanda commented after a moment, a veneer of nonchalance covering the stiffness in her voice.

"It's fine." Olivia glanced over at her once more, her smile as rigid as Amanda's reply.

She heard Amanda slowly begin to shut down her laptop and gather her things while she gazed at her desktop, listening to her heart beat in her chest. The day was nearly out and she was no closer to resolving the tension between them than she had been three weeks ago. She had to say something, come up with some way to -

The buzzing of her cellphone in her pocket distracted her from the thoughts swarming in her mind and she fished out the vibrating device. She half expected it to be a telemarketer or something else as unremarkable, but when she lifted flipped the phone over in her palm, the name on the screen stopped her heart.

For a long moment, the phone continued to buzz in her palm as the letters of Elliott's name burned into her retinas. Behind her, Amanda had grown quiet, and she felt intensely aware of the woman behind her and the man on the other side of the line - two parts of her life that were suddenly crashing and colliding.

"Are you gonna answer that?" Amanda's voice sounded far away above the ringing in her ears.

"F-fuck…" She whispered, her voice rough against her dry throat.

The phone abruptly stopped ringing, leaving them in silence. The call screen disappeared, leaving her to stare at the missed call notification. Her fingers tightened around the device while panic closed around her throat.

"It was probably just a telemarket -" She began to whisper in a wobbly tone when the jangle of her cellphone interrupted her excuse once more.

Elliott's name stared back at her from the screen once more, taunting her. They hadn't spoken since the night of the Rory Halstead case. She'd thought that maybe they were finally done for, burned out, destroyed. She thought that she could finally move on, but his number remained in her phone like a bad omen that promised to come back again and again.

"Hello?"

She was answering the phone before she could think, her voice scratching from her throat. There was no chance of sounding calm and unbothered, but he already knew what he did to her. She just wished that she could forget. She wished so badly in that moment.

"Liv." His voice reached her ear with acidic familiarity, burning her to the core even across miles of telephone wire.

She swallowed hard as she felt heat filling her head, emotion blooming in her eyes. She turned into herself, hunching over her knees to hide from Amanda's wondering gaze. Her hair slipped over her cheek, mercifully veiling her face from the world.

"Hi." The greeting scraped from her throat, barely audible.

"Hey."

A long silence filled the humming of line and Olivia bit down hard on her lower lip.

"Kath and I…" Elliot began at last, her voice faltering for a moment. "I think we're done, Liv."

Olivia's heart began to slam harder against her ribs and she couldn't will her tongue to move. She couldn't think of what to say or how to feel or how to begin to categorize the emotions battling inside her. The part of her that cherished their years of partnership rejoiced and fell down in relief; but the part of her that had suffered his betrayals, the part of her that had raged against him that final night, rose inside her with invigorated strength.

"I…" She whispered numbly. "I'm sorry, El."

"I was wrong."

Olivia licked her dry lips with a scoff as bitterness threaded its way through her veins. "Yeah, El."

"Hey, I already feel shitty enough." He replied, his voice tight and simultaneously weary. "I called because I need you, Liv."

His words rang in her ear, both damning and compelling. I need you. He'd never admitted that before, never even hinted at it. She'd always been second to his wife, a slice of his life he couldn't take home. Now, he said it like an admittance of guilt, a confession he was finally letting go of. She wondered if he'd gone to the church yet or if their ensuing tryst would require a second trip.

She clutched her hand over her eyes, felt perspiration building between the phone screen and her cheek.

This moment felt inevitable, yet unlike all the other times he'd called for her, she didn't want to fall. The pull he had on her didn't feel like Fate; it just felt like an addiction she'd carried for far too long. She wanted to scream out in protest, remind him of that night she'd pushed him away and he'd said they were done, but the part of her that had relied on him for love and affection craved what he had always given her. Just like a junkie she yearned for the needle and the way it could deliver bother pain and pleasure.

"Liv…" He murmured, and she felt a ball of dread welling up in her throat.

Tearing the phone from her ear, she clenched the device in her palms between her knees. Her vision blurred as she stared down at the floor, attempting to breath around tides of emotion and panic.

"Liv?" A second voice saying her name jolted out of her spiral, a voice that spoke like an angel of deliverance.

_Amanda._

Olivia sat up slowly, glancing over her shoulder to see Amanda standing at the edge of her desk. Her eyes were wide with concern and perception. She knew without Olivia speaking a word. She knew when she saw the tear slipping from Olivia's eye and the manmade pain that forced that emotion down her cheek. She simply knew.

Olivia swallowed hard. "He wants me to come see him."

Amanda blinked quickly, her tongue darting out to lick nervously at her lower lip. Her fine brows were furrowed as she glanced about the squad room before landing on Olivia again.

"Are you going to?"

The question was posed carefully, but the layers between Amanda's facade of indifference and the reality of her feelings were thin, so thin that Olivia could see the light of desperation shining through. This time, it wasn't a warning flare, but a beacon, and Olivia grasped it with failing strength.

"I… I don't want to." The confession fell from Olivia's lips on the note of surreal, husky whisper; for a moment, she couldn't believe she had spoken the words, but when she did, she felt a relief stronger than Elliot had ever given her.

Amanda remained at the desk for a long, agonizing second, but the light in her eyes was growing into an explosion, fueled by the escapist longing hiding in Olivia's own gaze. At last, Amanda broke from her neutral position, crossing the room and converging upon Olivia so quickly that the breath went from her lungs.

Amanda grabbed her hand, and Olivia felt a tremble transfer from Amanda's flesh to her own. Her gaze tracked from their tangled fingers upwards to Amanda's cerulean eyes, bright against the flush in her cheeks.

"Don't go home with him." Amanda whispered, her voice suddenly full of exhilaration; and when their eyes locked, the final sparks ignited. "Come with me."


	13. Chapter 13

"Come with me."

The words hung in the air between them, fully charged, and for a moment, Amanda thought she might've been too brazen, too assumptive, too hopeful. Olivia stared up at her, tears drying on her flushed cheeks, fingers tight around Amanda's hand. Amanda hardly breathed, listening to her pulse scream in her ears. She was terrified, yet relieved. She'd finally said what she'd been dying to say for weeks, ever since Olivia had admitted to her relationship with Elliot.

Olivia's uncertain gaze dropped from hers and Amanda swallowed hard, waiting for the moment of truth. She followed Olivia's line of sight down to her cellphone. She hadn't hung up the phone yet.

Slowly, Olivia lifted the phone to her ear.

"I...I've got to go." Her voice was raw and husky, but the words ignited hope in Amanda's chest.

When Olivia lowered the phone once more, she tapped the disconnect button and the device clattered to her desktop. Silence swelled and Amanda nearly spoke before Olivia's eyes lifted once more, tracking up Amanda's body until their gazes locked. Amanda's breath came quicker, and she felt perspiration lining their clenched fingers. She wanted to say something, utter some encouragement or coaxing word, but the words stayed lodged in her throat as Olivia stood from her chair.

Their bodies were scarcely an inch apart, and Olivia seemed to radiate an electrifying energy that compelled Amanda to remain close, dangling by a thread of desire and hope. She stared up at Olivia, but Olivia's eyes didn't meet hers. Instead, her heavy-lidded gaze was directed lower.

"Liv…" Amanda began to choke out.

At the sound of her name, Olivia seemed to break. Her eyes fluttered closed and she sank into Amanda's body. When their mouths met, a tide of arousal washed over Amanda's body, so strong and all-consuming that she nearly lost her footing. She grappled for balance against the desk and rode the wave to its peak. There, she found her strength, plunging her fingers into Olivia's hair at the nape of her neck. Surging into her, she parted her lips and urged Olivia to do the same with the tease of her tongue along the barrier of Olivia's teeth. She heard Olivia moan, and the vibration of her verbal desire radiated into her own throat. Then Olivia's jaw was lapsing beneath her ministrations and she was tasting her again, her saliva as sweet and heady as she remembered.

Amanda disentangled her hand from Olivia's and grabbed her by the hip. Spinning them around, she pushed Olivia against the desk and felt Olivia's knees part around her. Pressing between her legs, she squeezed her fingers in Olivia's hair, tilting her head back further with minimal prodding. Olivia complied easily to her directions, igniting even hotter flames of desire between Amanda's hips. Slanting her mouth along Olivia's, Amanda curled her tongue into Olivia's mouth, laving the roof of her mouth until she elicited another moan, then another, and another.

At last, Olivia's mouth broke from hers and she was panting, her hands trembling against Amanda's hips where her fingers were bunched around Amanda's shirt. She pressed her forehead against Amanda's, her eyelids fluttering shut.

"Are you okay?" Amanda whispered, her voice strangled with desire.

Olivia breathed heavily, but her fingers remained tight, holding Amanda close. Amanda smoothed her hand down Olivia's back, offering a gentler gesture as she prayed that Olivia would not come so far only to push her away again. She wanted more than she ever should have allowed herself to imagine, and she knew that she could give Olivia more than Olivia had ever thought possible if only she would let her.

Finally, Olivia's eyes opened, flicking upwards to meet Amanda's.

Her mouth trembled when she whispered, "Get me out of here."

Euphoria filled Amanda's chest, and she immediately felt a shaky smile on her lips.

"Come on." She replied, squeezing Olivia's hip. "We'll catch a cab."

Grabbing Olivia's hand once more, she reluctantly stepped back from the warmth of Olivia's body. Olivia's slipped off the desk without hesitation and grabbed her coat before following after her. Amanda knew she couldn't read Olivia's mind, but the look in her eyes was the same sort of relief that Amanda felt in her heart. They both wanted this, perhaps more than they'd allowed themselves to think and for reasons that Amanda didn't want to dwell on. Soon, none of it would matter.

Leading the way towards the elevator, Amanda relished the simple pleasure of Olivia's fingers laced in her own. There was so much tenderness to be had in this act, the one of holding hands with another woman. Even this took her breath away.

Olivia joined her inside the elevator, and Amanda pressed the button for the bottom floor. She turned back towards Olivia with a smile, ready to offer another reassurance, but as soon as the doors closed, Olivia pressed into her again. Amanda's heart rushed as Olivia's mouth connected with her own for the second time that night, and she grasped the back of Olivia's neck, taking every kiss that she was offered until she heard the ding of the elevator and the creak of the doors.

"Hold on." She whispered to Olivia though she was grudging to force them apart in any way.

Olivia glanced over at the doors as though she'd forgotten where they were through the haze of desire.

"Come on." Amanda whispered, pushing away from the wall of the elevator and grabbing her hand again.

Their pace was quick across the dark atrium to the exit, and Olivia's hand never left hers. Amanda shoved the door open and they broke out onto the sidewalk, but even the cool air could not touch the heat that had formed between them.

Reaching the edge of the sidewalk, Amanda glanced up and down the street, hoping to see a cabbie nearby. She would hate to have to call one and waste any more precious time. When she saw a yellow car approach, she breathed a quick prayer of thanks up to the heavens and stepped off the sidewalk to wave down the car.

"Amanda, wait." It was the first time Olivia had spoken since her plea to leave and her voice held a tremulous quality that caused fear to grip Amanda for a moment.

"What is it?" She asked, attempting to calm the tremble in her voice as she turned back towards her.

Olivia's brow was furrowed, but her hand remained tightly clenched around Amanda's.

"I… I don't want to go home." She whispered at last, her eyes finally meeting Amanda's.

"Where do you want to go…?" Amanda asked carefully, her voice breathless in anticipation and agonizing apprehension.

Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the cab pulling up to the curb.

Olivia hesitated, glancing down at their intertwined fingers. "Somewhere else."

Amanda swallowed the knot in her throat, glancing back at the cab.

"My place." She said at last, risking the chance that Olivia had changed her mind and she was only fooling herself; but she'd realized in the moment Olivia had kissed her that she would risk being a fool for the chance to be with her.

Olivia's gaze lifted to hers, holding another expression of relief that went beyond words.

"Okay." She whispered, and the simple admission lifted Amanda's swooning heart from the ground back up into the clouds.

"Okay." Amanda echoed, her heart pounding with renewed desire. "Wait here."

Turning towards the cab, she bent down to the open passenger side window and pulled out her wallet.

"I'll give you an extra ten to keep your eyes on the road." She told the cabbie, offering the bill between two fingers. "And only on the road."

The cabbie glanced at the bill then out the window at Olivia on the sidewalk.

"Fifteen?" He wagered.

"Whatever." Amanda slipped out a second bill and shoved it into his palm. "Just do you job, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah." He muttered, taking the money.

"Hey." Amanda ordered, pulling her coat lapel back to show the NYPD shield clipped to her blazer. "I'm doing you a favor here, buddy."

The cabbie's face straightened and folded the money into his pocket. "No problem, ma'am. Where can I take you on this lovely evening?"

Amanda flashed him a sarcastic smile and told him the address.

She certainly could have allowed them to take the cab ride half a seat apart, but at this point, she wasn't sure she could keep her hands to herself and she wasn't sure that Olivia could either. It was better to have insurance, and better still to nurse the flame between them until they could be alone. Silence and quiet left room for doubt and second thoughts, and she didn't think she could stand another week, furthermore another day of tension between them.

Straightening from the window, she grabbed the back door handle and turned towards Olivia. Offering her a smile, she held out her other hand towards. Olivia hesitated for only a moment before she joined Amanda beside the cab. Taking her hand, Olivia slipped into the cab ahead of her and Amanda climbed in after. Pulling the door shut, she sent a final glare towards the cabbie before glancing over at Olivia.

Olivia had slid over into the opposite seat, and Amanda spread her hand over the middle seat as the cab pulled away from the curb. Olivia met her gaze over the seat before she glimpsed Amanda's outstretched hand. Amanda slipped her hand a closer before patting the seat slowly. Olivia's lips parted and she quickly glanced at the driver before glancing back at Amanda.

"Come here." Amanda mouthed at her with a tilt of her head.

Olivia's throat bobbed, but she moved over slowly into the middle seat. Amanda slipped her arm around her waist and pulled her closer, nearly into her lap. Ducking her head she pressed her mouth against the slope of Olivia's neck and shoulder, kissing slowly. She felt Olivia's breath quicken, and she moved her mouth a bit higher. There, she could feel her pulse throbbing beneath thin layers of warm flesh.

Olivia's hand moved quickly to Amanda's thigh, squeezing tightly as the cab lurched beneath them.

Amanda's flicked her eyes towards the cabbie, but as promised, his eyes were on the road. Emboldened, she slipped her hand beneath Olivia's coat and skimmed the buttons of her shirt, playing with each one until she felt Olivia's fingernails biting into her leg. Sliding one button open and then another, she shifted fingers into the opening. Smooth, bare skin and the lace of her bra met Amanda's fingers and a throb of desire went through her. Despite all of her daydreams and desires, the real thing was so much better than she had ever dared to imagine. Sliding her hand deeper, she cupped the swell of Olivia's breast, squeezing slowly through the material of her bra.

Olivia's breath wavered, and when Amanda chanced a glance at her, her head was tilted back against the seat, her eyes and mouth squeezed shut. There was no hint of doubt or discomfort; only pleasure and arousal. Whatever excuses had been used to explain away their kiss outside the bar had been left in the squadroom, and now they were hurtling towards Amanda's apartment with no intentions other than to fulfill both of their desires. A tremble washed over Amanda's body and she pressed a kiss against Olivia's taut jaw before ducking to catch her earlobe. She sucked the soft flesh once before breathing warm air across the shell of Olivia's ear.

"I wanna fuck you so bad." She whispered in ear, and felt Olivia viscerally quake beneath her. "You don't even know what I want to do to you."

The confession had long remained behind her teeth, waiting at the back of her tongue, hiding in her eyes. Releasing it now felt like it's own singular pleasure despite the clear direction of their interaction leading to much more explicit things.

Olivia whimpered in return. Her fingers were squeezing the inside of Amanda's leg harshly, but her touch could only encourage the desire pulsing between Amanda's legs. She could already feel how wet her panties were and the tight seam of her jeans against her crotch felt like a terrible affliction. She shifted her legs further apart, allowing Olivia's hand to slide dangerously close.

Her body trembled, and she welcomed the ache of desire. It'd been so long since she'd felt so much. Her last relationship had long been dead and the nightmare of Atlanta was closer than any other sexual encounter. She longed to replace it now as she imagined that Olivia hoped to replace her fraught relationship with Elliot. Amanda would not fault Olivia if it were her only reason for coming with her. No, she wanted to be that for Olivia. She wanted it more than anything.

Squeezing Olivia's breast one last time, she arched her fingers higher and felt for the edge of the cup of the bra. Dipping her fingers beneath the silk and lace, she plunged her hand into the hot interior. She needed to touch naked flesh, needed to feel Olivia's body searching for completion just as much as her own was. To her satisfaction, Olivia's nipple swelled beneath her fingers, hardening immediately to her touch, and Amanda let it prod her palm for a moment before squeezing it between her fingers with enough pressure to twist a low moan from Olivia's mouth.

Olivia tossed her head, pressing her face into Amanda's hair as she grabbed Amanda's arm with a trembling grasp.

"Amanda…" She whispered huskily into her hair.

Amanda turned her head, and their noses pressed against one another before their exhales washed over the other's mouth. Their desire-ladden gazes met and Olivia moaned softly as though giving in all over again. She collapsed into Amanda once more, kissing her with a plea. She was already begging.

Amanda wished desperately that they were already inside her apartment so that she could strip off the barrier of cloth and stitching that stood between them and give Olivia everything she knew that she had been searching for, but they had to maintain some sort of protection from the world while they were in the cab.

Grabbing Olivia's thigh, she urged her closer, and Olivia clambered onto her lap without hesitation. With her back entirely blocking the cabbie's perspective - should be breaking his promise - Amanda felt bold enough to unbutton Olivia's shirt further. Their mouths broke apart and she gazed downwards, her heart threatening to break through her ribs as she gazed at Olivia's swollen breasts straining against the maroon material.

"Jesus." She whispered, lifting her hands to cup them both before she pressed her face into the warmth of her cleavage.

Olivia arms encircled her neck, holding her close as she slipped her hands around Olivia's body to find the clasp of the bra. Her trembling hands fumbled for only a moment before she managed to release the clasp. Olivia's breasts spilled from beneath the material, and she heard Olivia panting into her hair. When Amanda's palms closed around each breast, Olivia's flesh was soft and warm. She stroked her thumbs over her hardened nipples and her silken areolas, shuddering with arousal at each centimeter of flesh she could feel responding to her touch.

Pulling back, she cupped her hands beneath Olivia's breasts and lifted them for her to see in the sparse light of the street lamps that they passed. Her head felt dizzy with the motion of the car and the arousal pulsing through her veins, but she couldn't deny herself every pleasure of looking upon and touching Olivia's body.

"You're beautiful." She breathed.

Ducking in, she clasped her mouth to one nipple, and the fullness of Olivia's nipple filled her mouth with tantalizing hardness and sweetness, like a candy with a soft center.

Olivia's arms tightened around her, and her hips rocked against Amanda's thighs, searching for fulfillment in the friction of skin and material. If Olivia had harbored any doubts upon climbing into the cab, Amanda imagined they'd all been abandoned as she now desperately squirmed against her thigh. Eager to coddle Olivia's growing desire, Amanda let one hand fall from Olivia's breast to the swell of her ass, squeezing her circling buttock in order to pull her tightly against her hip.

She wished once more than they were alone so that the grinding of her hips might be skin-to-skin, yet this sweet torture of half-clothed, half-public foreplay was too arousing to deny. The closer they flew to her apartment the harder her body throbbed and the harder it was for Olivia to swallow her moans and cries.

Amanda briefly wondered if Elliot had ever offered Olivia teasing as arousing and alluring as this before banishing the thought of him. The way Olivia whimpered and squirmed against in her desperate pantomime informed Amanda that he had not.

Releasing Olivia's breast from her mouth, she switched to the opposite one, scraping her teeth along ridges of her tightened nipple for a moment before she sucked her into her mouth once more. Olivia pressed her mouth hard into her hair, her hips arching against Amanda's body as she experienced a wave of arousal strong enough to seize her momentarily. Amanda muffled a moan into Olivia's breast, and squeezed Olivia's ass harder before arching her fingers down the curve of her buttock. Her fingers dipped between Olivia's legs, and she felt heat radiating through her pants. Olivia gasped softly in her ear, her body still for a moment in frozen pleasure and shock as Amanda rubbed her fingers into the soft core of body.

"You like that?" Amanda murmured against her breast as she massaged in slow circles.

Olivia's head dropped against her shoulder while her fingers dug into Amanda's hair and the material of her shift. She couldn't reply, but Amanda already knew the answer.

Reaching up with her opposite hand, she grasped the back of Olivia's neck and pulled ear into alignment with her mouth.

"When I get you alone, I'm going to bend you over and fuck you like you deserve." She whispered huskily in her ear.

Olivia trembled in her grip, but her hips arched almost imperceptibly against Amanda's fingers, urging the torture to continue. Pleasure rushed through Amanda's body, stealing nearly all of her breath, but she ignored the urge to collapse into a puddle of arousal. She'd lead them thus far, and she wouldn't fail now, not when she was so close to giving Olivia everything she'd ever imagined and Olivia had ever desired.

She pressed her face to Olivia's neck, and she didn't stop until the slowing of the car and the familiar street beyond the window dragged her foggy brain from the haze of arousal. The streetlights shone bright upon their intertwined bodies and beyond towards their final destination. In minutes they'd be alone. After months of denial and misplaced anger, it would all be laid to rest at the foot of her own bed. It was all over, but just beginning.

"Hey, Liv…" She mumbling, squeezing her close. "We're almost there."


	14. Chapter 14

The light was sparse in the hall of Amanda's apartment building, gleaming down on the top of her golden head as she rifled through her keys for the one to her apartment. She breathing curses beneath her breath, the same raspy defiance and desire threaded through her tone as inside the cab.

Olivia could still hear her rough murmurs as though she'd just spoken them. _I want to fuck you so bad. I'm going to bend you over and fuck you like you deserve… You're beautiful…_

Olivia clutched her coat tighter over her chest as she shivered, casting glances up and down the hall as Amanda shoved the key against the lock, metal on metal. Beneath the coat, she was still disheveled, halfway dressed with her shirt unbuttoned and her bra barely clinging to her shoulders.

This was reckless. Dangerous. Wild. It certainly hadn't come from any forethought or preplanning; but suddenly, she hadn't cared anymore. She was sick of always being the rational one, of being looked at to make the good decisions, to sacrifice her own desires for the betterment of the world. She'd run herself ragged trying to fix other people's mistakes, trying to fix other people's lives. Other people's marriages.

When Amanda had held out her hand, she'd caved because she wanted to; because it hadn't been a demand but an invitation; an offer of mutual desire rather than give and take - so much taking… _I'm not asking for what you think love is, _Amanda had insisted only hours ago inside the bar. There had been a desire in her eyes that Olivia had tried so hard to fear, but now as they hurtled towards the apartment, ready to rip away the last frail partitions of modesty that stood between them, Olivia prayed that Amanda would fulfill every word she hadn't been able to say before.

"Got it." Amanda murmured, twisting the key and shouldering the door open.

Olivia's breath quickened as the door widened before her. This was the final moment to turn back, to apologize, to make more excuses, but the thought barely clung to her mind. She ducked past Amanda, entering the apartment ahead of her. Her gaze tracked across the small livingroom, then towards the hallway that she knew must lead to the bedroom.

She turned slowly back towards Amanda, her trembling hands clutched around the lapels of her coat as she found Amanda in the dark.. With her back pressed to the door, she firmly closed it, her eyes locked on Olivia.

For a moment, they stared at each other as the tension rose to a screech in Olivia ear.

"Take it off." Amanda whispered at last as she eased away from the door.

Olivia's lips parted with a trembling breath, but her fingers loosened. The memory of Amanda's fingers and mouth on her breasts nearly overwhelmed her as she pulled the lapels of her coat back, revealing her body to Amanda once more. The coat hung at her elbows for a moment for slipping from her arms and pooling on the floor at her feet. Amanda stepped forward, her gaze raking up at down her body, from her legs to her disheveled shirt and bra.

As Amanda stepped up to her, she flicked her gaze to Olivia's, and Olivia felt pleasure trample her at the desire that was clearly written across the other woman's face. She was already panting when Amanda grabbed her by the hip and tugged her closer, forcing a breathless gasp from Olivia's mouth. Arching her chin up, Amanda kissed her without prelude or hesitance. The brazen nature of her promises hadn't failed. She wasn't bluffing. She wasn't afraid, and Olivia knew suddenly that she wasn't either.

The realization struck the last of the air of from Olivia's lungs. Without fear, what were they? She didn't have time to contemplate what lay beyond this passionate, desperate union.

The taste of mint and tinted chapstick filled her senses once more, driving away all logic as Amanda kissed her towards thoughtless oblivion. She moaned once more, parting her lips for the slick pressure of Amanda's tongue as Amanda tugged Olivia's shirttails out of her pants and made quick work of the rest of the buttons on her shirt. Olivia leaned into her, pressing her tongue back against Amanda's she wriggled the shirt of her arms, allowing it to crumple to the floor along with her coat. She whined with impatience, shaking the bra from her arms. Amanda grabbed the descending material and flung it across the room. Catching her around the waist, she pulled her close as she immediately cupped Olivia's breast. Olivia groaned into her mouth, clutching the back of Amanda's neck as stumbled back. They nearly tripped over her discarded clothing and their mouths broke from one another. They were both panting heavily, their mouths swollen, cheeks flushed.

"Let's go to the bedroom." Amanda whispered, pressing another kiss to her mouth. "I want to touch you. All of you."

Olivia nodded, dazed and asphyxiated by the pleasure that throbbed through every inch of her being and stole every structured, sensible thought from her mind.

Amanda pulled away from her, and Olivia stumbled after her, grabbing Amanda's hand with both of hers as she allowed herself to be led down the hall. Once inside, Amanda pulled her around in front of her and kissed her again, though this time it was so quick that Olivia could barely respond. When she opened her eyes, Amanda was gazing, her pupils wide and pulsing, so deep and enticing that Olivia wondered if she could fall past the blue landscape and directly into her.

"God, you're so fucking beautiful." Amanda whispered again, her palm cupping Olivia's cheek before curling behind her head.

"So are you…" Olivia barely managed to mumble before Amanda pulled her closer and pressed her mouth to her neck.

Olivia grabbed onto Amanda's shoulders, moaning as Amanda's lips closed around the throb of her pulse, sucking along the sensitive line of her throat. She felt Amanda's other hand at her hip, squeezing slowly before her fingers dipped between them. The button of Olivia's pants slipped open followed by the zipper, and Olivia's stomach dipped and clenched with desire. She held tighter to Amanda's shoulder, arching her hips towards Amanda in a quiet plea. When Amanda's fingers dipped beneath the waistband, pushing the material away, Olivia eagerly shuffled them down to her knees and then to her ankles, leaving her naked save for her underwear.

Amanda surged into her, urging her back towards the bed. Olivia stepped back until felt the mattress hit the back of her knees. She sank to the mattress, and Amanda's mouth broke from her neck, allowing their eyes to latch onto one another's once more.

"Lay back." Amanda murmured as she began to unbutton her own shirt, her fingers moving quickly down her stomach.

Olivia leaned back onto her elbows, biting at her lower lip as she watched Amanda strip her shirt off before moving to her jeans. Her hands slowed as though she could sense Olivia's eyes on her, the intensity of her gaze and desire. She drew back the lip of the belt and thumbed the button her jeans as she caught Olivia's eyes. Olivia stared back at her, desire building at a speed that she could scarcely control. She sat up suddenly, sinking her fingers beneath the waistband of Amanda's jeans. Amanda made a sound of pleasure as Olivia tore the button open and then the zipper, before she bent to kiss her once more. They struggled with the jeans for a moment before Amanda kicked them off and climbed onto the bed between Olivia's thighs.

Olivia arched up to meet her, but the kiss came slower this time as they relished the sensation of flesh against flesh. Amanda clasped her mouth over Olivia's, working Olivia's mouth open until she was pressing her tongue deep, and Olivia was moaning, her hands curling into Amanda's hair, nails biting her scalp. Squeezing her breast, Amanda nursed Olivia's desire to the high peaks of their cab ride once more, stroking and teasing her nipple until Olivia groaned insistently against her mouth.

Finally, Amanda released her breast, and scorching heat of her palm slipped downwards, scaling Olivia's ribs until she reached her trembling stomach. Their kisses lagged as Amanda's fingertips teased the waistband of her panties before sliding over top.

Olivia knew where she was going and this time there was no cab driver, no pants, and no excuses to stop them. Her grip on the back of Amanda's neck tightened involuntarily and her eyes fluttered open as she tried to breathe evenly. The dark ceiling swirled above her before she met Amanda's gaze through the dangling blonde strange of Amanda's fringe. Their exhales were raspy and heavy in the dark as Amanda's fingers curled over her mound to the heat which emanated from beneath the small bit of lace between her legs.

Olivia's breath shuddered and she hitched her leg tighter around Amanda's hip as Amanda's fingers began to circle slowly. Pleasure flared through her body immediately and her eyes slammed closed again.

"Oh my god…" She heard the curse wind from her lips as Amanda fingers dipped then rose.

Her clit was already swollen and the friction of lace beneath the pressure of Amanda's touch created a throb of desire that threatened to swallow her whole. She grabbed at the sheets, her hips arching upwards in search of gratification as Amanda's fingers circled downwards, laying her labia open with one suave stroke. If not for the barrier of her ruined panties, Amanda's fingers might already be buried inside her, and the alone pushed hot desire through her core. The gushing response spilled out of her, soaking through cotton and lace.

"'Manda…" She choked out, her eyes rolling open once more.

Her wide gaze caught Amanda's for a moment before she squeezed them shut again and arched beneath her.

"What do you want?" Amanda husky voice murmured in return as the pressure of her touch increased.

Olivia whimpered, her hips vainly grinding upwards as Amanda bent to kiss her perspiring neck and collarbones.

She could feel Amanda's fingertips honing in on clit, so close that she could almost feel the pleasure building inside her. She felt like a desperate teenage, dry humping in the back of her mom's station wagon all over again, imagining that it was going to be the best sex she ever had. This time, the exaggeration may not be so far off from the truth.

She felt as if she were dancing upon the pinnacle of desire, in agony for more, for the completion of her arousal, and Amanda was going to be the one to give it to her. For this moment in time, that didn't matter, and she would cling to the careless abandon for as long as she could.

Amanda's mouth lifted from her neck and she could feel her eyes on her, watching her writhe in pleasure. Forcing her lids open, Olivia met her eyes with a groan as Amanda massaged her clitoris in slow, rhythmic circles. She had scarcely begun to whisper please when Amanda bent down and kissed her mouth gently.

"I know…" She murmured, her fingers easing towards the waistband of Olivia's panties.

Olivia's breath came faster, her heart surging ahead of all logical thought as Amanda stretched the underwear over her hips. Sitting back, Amanda pulled them down her legs, and Olivia kicked them off with one foot, sending them sailing over the edge of the bed. Where they landed or if she'd find them again was far from her mind as she settled her feet back on the bed, her legs spread open around Amanda.

She bit her lower lip and glanced up at Amanda from beneath heavy lids, but Amanda's own gaze was no longer on her.

"Fuck…" She heard Amanda whisper as she reached out to grab her thighs.

Olivia gasped as she pushed her knees to the mattress, laying her completely open. Her thighs burned and she bent her legs against her ribs to relieve the pressure as Amanda slipped down. She dropped to the floor in front of her, her eyes focused solely upon Olivia's swollen, gleaming pussy. Olivia lifted her head, trying to watch her as Amanda grabbed the hair tie off her wrist and began to pull her hair up in a messy ponytail.

"Oh, god." Olivia whispered, her head dropping back against the mattress, her heart pounding.

Grabbing handfuls of the sheets, she held on as Amanda's hands settled on her thighs and the escaping strands of her hair tickled Olivia's naked flesh. Next, the warmth of her breath rushed across Olivia's lower stomach and labia. When she moved in and her mouth opened around Olivia's clitoris and labia, Olivia heard herself cry out though the sound felt far removed from her being. Her limbs were trembling, useless appendages, her tongue a heavy weight in her mouth. All she could think of was Amanda's mouth, suckling her throbbing flesh.

Below her, Amanda moaned, a sound of utter pleasure before she employed her tongue. Olivia gasped, arching sharply as Amanda's tongue circled around her clit. She grabbed clumsily for the top of Amanda's head, and her fingers dug in, wrapping tight around fine, blonde strands. Amanda didn't seem to mind the rough tugging; instead, she groaned, her head bobbing faster beneath Olivia's hand.

"Oh, god, oh, god…" Olivia panted, her eyes dragging towards the ceiling then back into her head as Amanda pleasured with eager strokes of her tongue.

She sank down against the mattress as her body began to accept the pleasure and reach for it rather than simply bucking and screaming at the overwhelming sensations. Closing her eyes, she arched her hips upwards, giving Amanda an easier angle so that she could scrub her raw. Balancing her feet on Amanda's shoulders, she ground her hips in small circles, working her gushing pussy against Amanda's mouth until she felt her clit swelling against her folds. She shuddered, grasping Amanda's hair harder as circles of Amanda's tongue tightened around the hardened, aching bud.

"Ohhh….." Olivia groaned, her heels digging into Amanda's shoulders.

Amanda surged into her, knocking one of her legs down in the process. Grabbing her ass and pulling her closer, Amanda scrubbed her tongue harder until Olivia groaned and thrashed. The pressure of her mouth was pushing Olivia closer and closer, winding the pleasure tight inside of her until she would reach a breaking point; a point that once reached she could not go back from; a point that she could no longer resist.

She panted, desperately jerking her hips up against Amanda's tongue until she felt herself fracturing, breaking into a million shards of pleasure and desire. Her body jarred away from Amanda, writhing beneath the affliction of orgasm, but Amanda rose from between her clenching thighs, her mouth wet and flushed, a fire burning in her eyes. Pinning Olivia's knee against her side once more, Amanda scrubbed her fingers between her trembling legs, wringing the last of the orgasm from her until she collapsed to the mattress, panting and trembling in the wake of the pleasure.

Olivia lay weakly against the mattress, her muscles quaking involuntarily, her body pulsing in satisfied aftermath.

Amanda's fingers were still between her legs, and she didn't want to open her eyes.

Slowly, her weakened muscles slackened and she let her thighs sink open once more as Amanda's fingers danced through the abundance of wetness dripping from her. Olivia breathed unsteadily, her eyes closed against anything other than the touch of Amanda's hand, as Amanda massaged her gently, nursing the last of the pleasure into new sparks of desire. Olivia dragged one arm over her face, biting at her lip as Amanda circled lower, parting her labia to probe her pulsating entrance.

"Shit…" Olivia mumbled, inching her legs apart as pleasure throbbed dully through her.

The orgasm from Amanda's mouth had been mind-blowing and satisfying, and she was almost embarrassed at how quickly she wanted more. She was used to stolen nights and quick trysts, where the pleasure came fast and hard, but never quite lasted. This… This was different. She wasn't sure what she had expected when she'd gotten into the cab, but all of her assumptions were forgotten now. She knew suddenly that she was going to let Amanda do whatever she wanted with her body for long as the night could last.

Clenching her arm over her face to hide the blush on her cheeks, she inched her hips up towards Amanda's hand, silently agreeing to take the next onslaught of pleasure.

"Come here…" She heard Amanda murmur before she felt herself being pulled closer; then her legs were stretched over the softness of Amanda's thighs and Amanda was clutching her hip, holding her still as her fingers circled deeper.

"Oh…" Olivia's voice trembled as Amanda's fingertips pulsed against her aching hole, barely breaching her. "Amanda… god… I…"

She didn't know what she intended to say or how she intended to say, but the meaning of her dazed whispers must have transferred to Amanda. Before she could string together another jumbled plea, Amanda's fingers were working into her, twisting slowly before thrusting in. Another array of colors burst behind Olivia's eyes and she arched up against Amanda's fingers, feeling herself clench tight around them.

"Mmmnn…" She heard Amanda murmur in satisfaction, a pleased sound of praise that sent a wave of prickled flesh up Olivia's spine.

A part of her wanted to pull her arm from her face and look Amanda in the eye again, but she remained prone as Amanda pulled her tight and gave her another slow thrust that went deep.

Olivia groaned, her body seizing with each measured pulse of Amanda's fingers. She barely seemed to be able to handle the gentlest fucking, her hips rearing upwards after only a few moments of endurance before she tried to spread her legs and take the pace that Amanda gave her. Her cheeks, neck, and chest flushed red with exertion and arousal and at last, she flung her arm from her face and grabbed at the sheets.

Sensing her growing excitement, Amanda adjusted her grip on Olivia's hip and pumped her fingers harder into Olivia's aching, yearning body. Olivia pushed her heels into the mattress, moaning as she felt Amanda's fingers hit deep; still it didn't seem to be enough to fill the spaces inside her that had been terribly empty.

She opened her eyes slowly, panting as Amanda came into view above her, flushed with exertion and glowing with arousal. Her eyes skated down the front of her body to the meeting of their flesh. Her body twinged as she watched Amanda fuck her for a moment before she dug her head back.

"Amanda…"

"What is it, baby?" Amanda whispered, her fingers slowing, yet never ceasing.

"I…" Olivia's mouth felt dry and she dragged her arm over her eyes once more. "I want…"

"Want…" Amanda echoed huskily, her fingers curling deep.

"Nnng...I -I want more…"

Amanda's fingers slowed. "More fingers…?"

"Yes, I…" Olivia whispered, voice failing, ending in a whine.

_I need it. _

The rest of what she wanted to say remained lodged in the back of her throat as Amanda's fingers eased out of her, leaving her achingly bereft for a moment before she felt the breadth of three fingers stretching her open. Her lips parted, but she scarcely even whimpered as Amanda pierced her again, plunging pleasure straight through her insides. Her nails snared in the sheets and she arched in Amanda's hand, moaning at last as she seated herself fully on her fingers.

"There…" Amanda whispered, her voice husky with desire as she tugged Olivia close. "That feel good, baby?"

Olivia wordlessly nodded against the mattress, her eyes squeezed shut as Amanda's fingers pumped leisurely into her swollen pussy.

"Look at you." Amanda continued to whisper. "You take it so good."

Olivia whimpered, a flush washing over her neck and cheeks. She was used to all passionate kisses and hungry hands doing the talking, but Amanda's voice was doing something to her that physical praise had yet to achieve.

Reaching down, Olivia grabbed the back of Amanda's hand where it curled over her hip, and clung to her as Amanda pleasured her towards a second orgasm. Moans wound from her lips, each one springing new after one another as Amanda's pace quickened. She knew the orgasm would come at some point, but for a moment she relished the feeling of being held, worshiped and pleasured. It was more than she had felt in so very long.

Her eyes fluttered open when she felt Amanda shift. Bending over her, Amanda kissed her gently on the mouth, her fingers slowing.

"What…" Olivia panted, her hips squirming up against Amanda's fleeting touch.

"I want you to turn over." Amanda whispered, her breath rushing hot across Olivia's cheek.

Olivia's breath came faster at her words and at the remembrance of her promise in the cab. Her arms were trembling as she twisted her body beneath Amanda's. Amanda sat back, allowing her to turn completely onto her stomach with her legs parted around her. Olivia gasped when she felt Amanda grab her hips and pull her up until her ass smacked against Amanda's hips.

"This is the part where I fuck you like you deserve." Amanda murmured, spreading her hand down one cheek.

Olivia stared down at the bedsheets, her heart pounding, her body throbbing.

With her thighs parted and her back curved, Amanda could view every part of her. Her pussy was swollen and flushed, glistening with wetness, and Amanda only had to squeeze her other buttock in order to spread her open completely. Her head had lapsed down against the mattress, and drew in fistfuls of the sheets as she awaited the sweet pressure of Amanda's fingers once more.

Releasing one cheek, Amanda drew her fingers down Olivia's thigh before following the inside of her leg upwards. The gentle sensations forced violent tremors through Olivia's body and she muffled a moan into the mattress as Amanda reached the center of her once more and stroked her fingers along her swollen slit. Olivia swallowed a second moan, holding herself still as she waited for Amanda to penetrate her once more.

For a moment, Amanda simply massaged her fingertips between Olivia's labia, teasing her entrance until Olivia groaned a deep sound of frustration into the mattress. Her body on fire, aching to be quenched, perhaps more than before the first orgasm. She'd let go completely now of whatever seconds thoughts may have lingered and all she could think of now was taking Amanda's fingers over and over just as Amanda had so softly praised her for.

At last, when Amanda's fingers sank into Olivia's body, Olivia eagerly thrust back against her with a moan, seating herself on Amanda's hand. They both moaned aloud, their joint exclamations of pleasure joining in the hot air between them. Amanda grabbed her hip, rocking Olivia back against her hand once more, and Olivia met the thrust, moaning as Amanda's fingers hit deep.

"You like that?" Amanda whispered as she fucked her once more, harder.

Kaleidoscopes of pleasure twirled behind Olivia's lids as she lurched forward, her hips writhing. When Amanda pulled her back into position, she quickened her pace, holding Olivia still as she pumped her fingers into Olivia's tender, quivering passage. Olivia groaned, sinking back against Amanda's pounding fingers as she tried to cling to her resilience. She heard herself begin to sob into the mattress as Amanda worked her pussy into a swollen mess of screaming nerve endings and arousal until at last, she surged forwards again, her hips dipping and writhing.

"God, please…" She groaned into the sheets, her body trembling uncontrollably. "Please...I…"

Bending over her, Amanda kissed her buttock before skimming her mouth over Olivia's back and shoulder. She quivered beneath the warmth of her breath and the soft press of her mouth, her flesh sensitive and reactive. She felt as though she were on the verge of exploding, yet she could hardly cope with the sensations.

"Get your ass back up." Amanda murmured in her ear as she reached her neck. "I'm going to pound your pussy until you scream, do you understand?"

Olivia panted into sheets, shivering at Amanda's unequivocal desires and commands.

Amanda slipped away from her, straightening once more as she waited for Olivia follow. For a moment, Olivia could hardly move, her limbs weak and quivering, but then she shifted slowly, lifting her hips back up in offering.

"There…" Amanda murmured, stroking Olivia buttock as she spread her thighs once more.

Olivia panted heavily, pressing her forehead against the mattress as Amanda's fingers stroked between her legs once more. She bit at her lower lip, holding back a whimper when she felt Amanda's third finger paired with the first two again. Pressure and pleasure expanded through her core once more and she slowly pushed against her, allowing Amanda's fingers to sink into her completely.

"Oh, god…" She whispered, squeezing her eyes shut as Amanda urged her to rock back against her fingers.

The rhythm she'd broken by pulling away soon built quickly towards it's rising crescendo once more, and she could hear the way her pussy gushed around Amanda's embedded fingers.

"Nngggg…." She groaned, digging her elbows and her forehead into the mattress. "Please… _Please_…"

She knew she was begging and that she never begged anyone for anything, but in that moment, she didn't care about any of the promises or resolutions she'd made for herself. All she wanted was this - Amanda washing away the rest of the world with a tide of pleasure so strong that it drowned all her sins, all her guilt, all of her afflictions.

"Don't worry, honey." Amanda whispered huskily. "You're gonna come, and you're gonna come good."

Dragging her hips in close, Amanda thrust into her with no intention of stopping, and Olivia sank into the sheets, sobbing. It was clear that Amanda had abandoned teasing, and all Olivia could do was weakly circle her hips in tandem with Amanda's thrusts. Her fingers were bearing down on the engorged puffy flesh of her g-spot inside her and she curled her fingers to scrub her harder there. Olivia writhed in pleasure, crying out into the mattress as Amanda fulfilled every promise shehad made. She fisted sections of the sheet against her face, clawing at the mattress so desperately that one side of the fitted sheet slipped from beneath the corner. Above her, Amanda was panting and sweating as she pulsed her fingers into Olivia's body in a desperate pattern, driving Olivia closer and closer towards completion. Olivia's thighs trembled, but she remained spread, taking the merciless assault of Amanda's fingers deep inside her pussy until her cries grew louder, deviating into strangled sobs.

When she finally came, her body lurched forwards, her legs squeezing together even as Amanda continued to stroke her pussy. She trembled and shuddered, writhing one way and then other as the pleasure had it's way with her body. The orgasm seemed to hold her body in thrall for endless minutes, urged on by Amanda's relentless fingers until at last she sank to the sheets, panting and trembling.

Amanda's fingers slipped out of her and she whimpered, hardly able to move as Amanda slipped quietly onto the bed next to her.

"Come here." She heard her whisper softly.

Then Amanda was drawing her up and urging her into her arms, and she collapsed there against her breast, shivering still. Amanda pressed a kiss against her perspiring forehead and stroked her hair slowly before lying back against the pillow.

They remained there for a long moment, neither of them speaking, neither of them hardly even thinking. Olivia felt as though she could drift away into a dream, but she remained rooted in the present, in the soft flesh of Amanda's breast against her cheek, in the rise and fall of ribs against her own, in the peace she hadn't felt in so long.

In all these moments, she never once thought of him.


	15. Chapter 15

It took minutes for the tremors to smooth out, for Olivia's breath to slow against her chest.

Amanda lay beneath her, feeling her warm, plush body against her own, Olivia's leg curled between her thighs, her palm resting low against her stomach, and it was all she could do not to turn and kiss her again, grind against her leg if she had to. Her entire body was pulsing, aching for the same release that Olivia had deliciously endured only a few moments ago, but she clung to the barest thread of caution.

Her interactions with Olivia had always required delicacy, and she'd ignored all the warnings thus far; but now she wanted Olivia to remain in her bed, wrapped around her, far away from the world.

She glanced downwards, hoping to catch a glimpse of Olivia unnoticed, but when she tilted her chin downwards, Olivia was gazing back at her, her dark, brown eyes hazy with lingering pleasure, yet sharp with new curiosity. She shifted against Amanda's side as their eyes hesitated upon one another's faces before she slowly angled her chin upwards. Amanda exhaled slowly, her breath hitching halfway as Olivia's warm lips pressed against her own once more. The kiss was slow and gentle, lasting for a few mere seconds before Olivia tilted her head back and gazed at her again.

Amanda licked her lips quickly, tasting the remnants of her saliva as she tried to come up with something to say. Now that she was the one seeking to be pleasured, she found herself wordless and breathless.

Olivia's fingers moved against her stomach, and Amanda drew another breath, this one not so subtle. Her arm tightened around Olivia's body and she felt her brow furrow as she tried to remain still beneath her. Olivia's fingers curled, stroking her trembling stomach for a moment before slipping downwards.

"Liv…" Amanda whispered, her lids fluttering shut as Olivia's fingers dipped beneath the waistband of her panties.

She didn't want to overtly beg, but she couldn't stop her hips from tilting upwards, eager for the warm touch of Olivia's hand. Biting down hard on her lip, Amanda turned her face into Olivia's hair and tried not to cry out as Olivia's fingers dipped deeper, encountering the pool of arousal between her legs. Her underwear were soaked through, and she heard Olivia inhale a soft sound of surprise at the copious wetness dripping onto her fingers.

"Amanda…" She murmured, her voice dazed as her fingers swirled against her labia, inciting another tremble through Amanda's body.

"This is what you do to me." Amanda managed to groan in her ear.

Olivia didn't reply verbally, but her breath was heavy against Amanda's chest as her fingers stroked up and down Amanda's slit, gathering arousal and spreading pleasure through Amanda's nerve endings. Amanda held onto her tighter as her hips circled involuntarily in tandem with Olivia's gliding fingers.

"Fuck…" She hissed against Olivia's hair as her fingers bumped up against her swollen clit.

Olivia's gasp was delighted as she discovered the engorged bud adorning the top of her folds and her fingers rose to massage the sensitive flesh. Amanda cried out, jerking beneath Olivia as her body reacted violently to the direct pressure on her raw clitoris. Her thighs were trembling, clenching around Olivia's hand, and she reached down to grab Olivia's wrist.

"Are you okay?" Olivia whispered, her hand easing up between her legs.

Amanda swallowed hard, her head lapsing back against the pillow. Above her, the ceiling pulsed through varying colors before smoothing out in dull off white.

"Just…" She rasped, her fingers loosening from Olivia's wrist. "More gentle… at first."

"I'm sorry." Olivia murmured, pressing a kiss against her chest before her fingers dipped back down hesitantly.

Amanda breathed out unsteadily as Olivia's fingers began to circle slowly, drawing a ring of pleasure around her clit.

"Oh, f-fuck…" Amanda cursed, her hips rising once more as the softer pressure ignited pulses of desire through her pussy. "LIke...like that…"

Olivia's leg tightened around her calf before drawing upwards, urging Amanda's legs to part. She shifted her legs open, moaning as Olivia's fingers circled more quickly, gaining confidence. Amanda grabbed onto the edge of the mattress, panting heavy bursts of air as the pleasure tightened in her stomach. She could already feel the orgasm coming, converging on her so quickly that she knew the slightest pressure directly to her clit would send her flying over the edge.

"Harder." She whispered between sharp exhales, her fingers digging into Olivia's side.

Olivia pushed up on her elbow, leveraging herself against the bed as her fingers rubbed down in faster, firmer motions. Amanda squeezed her eyes shut, clinging to the bed as she felt the pleasure barrelling towards her. She could hear the way Olivia's fingers rubbed her gushing pussy and the heavy, aroused exhales that she breathed above her as she scrubbed harder. Her fingers dipped down, scorching her clitoris with direct, hot pleasure.

The orgasm came hard, and she lurched upwards, cries lodging in her throat as pleasure clenched down inside her, ravaging her. The first wave held her for several long moments before it passed and she could shudder, her hips convulsing in spastic jerks. Strangled moans tore from her throat, and she pressed her face into Olivia's shoulder until the final tremors passed, washing her up in a trembling mess of limbs and sweat and the pulsing aftermath of pleasure.

She slipped back against the mattress, clasping a hand to her forehead as she tried to regain her breath. Olivia was quiet as her hand slipped from beneath her panties, her wet fingers trailing along Amanda's stomach.

"Shit…" Amanda whispered, her eyes blinking open slowly.

She stared at the ceiling for a moment before she felt Olivia's eyes on her again. She glanced over at her, intensely aware of the blush that remained on her cheeks.

Olivia glanced down at her hand before flicking her gaze back towards Amanda.

"I really do that to you...?" She said, her voice lodged somewhere between satisfaction and disbelief.

"Since the day we met." Amanda admitted quietly, glancing away as the flush on her cheeks intensified.

"Shit." Olivia echoed, settling her hand back down on Amanda's stomach.

They were both quiet for a moment before Olivia's hands inched downwards once more, causing Amanda's stomach to swoon.

"Can I touch you again?" Olivia asked softly, her fingers toying with the edge of the waistband.

Amanda swallowed hard, her heart throbbing hard in her chest.

"Y-you want to?" She asked, her voice barely hiding a tremble.

Olivia nodded slowly, her eyes trained on the place where her fingers danced along the edge of Amanda's panties.

"Okay." Amanda whispered, her false facade crumbling into a quiver.

She watched as Olivia sat up and moved between her legs, her body pulsating with growing desire. Olivia eased between her legs and smoothed her hands up Amanda's thighs, washing goosebumps along every inch of flesh that she touched. Amanda watched the path of her hands, holding back moans as Olivia's fingers hooked in the waistband of her underwear. Amanda lifted her hips, allowing Olivia to pull the material down, mercifully relieving her of the ruined material. She arched her legs up and Olivia tossed the panties away, leaving her naked save for her bra.

"You should take that off too." Olivia instructed as Amanda's legs fell open around her.

Amanda's heart was racing as she pushed up on her elbows and twisted her arm behind her back. She struggled with the tiny hooks for a moment before it finally came loose. She flung it away, and Olivia leaned over her, her dark, voluminous hair cascading around their faces as she leaned in to kiss her. Amanda moaned instantly as their lips met and Olivia's hand cradled her newly bared breast.

She'd imagined this happening in dozens of ways, yet the way Olivia touched her still stole every ounce of breath from her. She'd led Olivia away from the precinct, into that cab, and up to her apartment, but it hadn't felt like a dream until now. She'd been fully prepared to give without ever receiving if it meant giving Olivia what she wanted. With Olivia's mouth on her and the pleasure of her hand still pulsing through Amanda's body, it was clear now that her self-sacrificing attitude had been entirely unnecessary.

Olivia dipped down against her, connecting their hips in a slow grind that caused Amanda's groin to throb. She sank her fingers into Olivia's hair with one hand and grabbed her ass with other, spreading her legs wider to accommodate Olivia's hips. Olivia kissed her more hungrily, curling her tongue into Amanda's mouth as she arched down against her again. The teasing motions were almost too much for Amanda to take, even with the edge of desire dulled by the first orgasm.

Her mouth broke from Olivia's and she panted for air. Olivia's mouth sought her throat and shoulder, finding pliant flesh and pulsing desire in the path of her touch.

"Liv." Amanda panted, her hips squirming beneath Olivia's. "Please, I…"

Olivia eased back on her knees, but her mouth never left Amanda's flesh as she kissed her way down Amanda's breastbone to her stomach. Amanda lifted her head, watching breathlessly as Olivia slipped down between her thighs and tossed her hair over her shoulder.

Amanda swallowed, finding her mouth dry with anticipation as Olivia kissed her inner thigh, and the muscle that strained there. As she moved in closer, pleasure pounded through Amanda's body. She could feel the heat of Olivia's breath on her flesh, close enough to touch her aching pussy.

"Liv…" She panted, reaching up to yank the hair band out of her hair.

It took several tugs before it came free and she could toss her hand downwards. Olivia glanced up at the offered hair tie before she grabbed it and sat up quickly. The ponytail she made was quick and messy, but it pulled the hair away from her jaw and cheekbones, the alluring bone structure that Amanda had admired since the moment she'd first seen her. In the dim lighting of the room, naked and ready to sink between Amanda's thigh, Olivia appeared like even more of a dream.

"God…" Amanda whispered breathlessly, her head flopping back against the pillow.

Olivia settled back down between her legs, and Amanda maneuvered one leg over her shoulder before spreading the other out against the mattress. Squeezing her thigh, against her shoulder, Olivia, leaned on her elbow in order to slip her other hand between Amanda's legs. Amanda's eyes slammed shut again as soon as Olivia's fingers parted her and massaged her throbbing hole.

"Liv…" Amanda groaned, her hips rising up as Olivia probed her entrance for an unbearable moment.

"Shh…"

Amanda groaned at the sound of her voice, easing her hips down on Olivia's fingers. When they breached her, she trembled, grabbing for the edge of the mattress as pleasure bloomed inside of her.

"Ohhh…" She moaned as Olivia's fingers sank into her to the hilt of her knuckles. "Fuck… Liv…"

Olivia didn't reply as her kisses moved open-mouthed along Amanda's thigh until she reached the dusky blonde hair curling over the top of her mound. Her fingers shifted, pulsing slowly inside Amanda's pussy as she reached her throbbing clit. Her mouth closed over the swollen bud, and Amanda cried out, her leg clenching over Olivia's shoulder.

"Oh, god, oh, god…" She panted, her head spinning with pleasure and desire as Olivia's fingers swirled inside of her with the dizzying accompaniment of her mouth on her clit.

Olivia breathed heavily through her nose, her lips tightening around Amanda's clit. Her arm was shuddering as she pumped her fingers into Amanda's pussy in halting movements.

Amanda reached for Olivia's hair, her fingers fumbling for a moment before she latched on.

"Kneel." She rasped.

Olivia's mouth lifted and their eyes clashed above Amanda's stomach.

"On the floor." Amanda panted. "It'll be easier."

Olivia glanced over at the side of the bed for a moment before she shifted. Amanda moved weakly with her, her arms barely supporting the movement from vertical to horizontal, but she managed to align herself with Olivia's body once more and collapse. Olivia's sank between her legs, her mouth latching onto her clit once more as she rubbed beneath her chin for Amanda's entrance. Amanda planted her feet on the edge of the bedframe, holding her thighs open as Olivia's fingers found their way inside of her once more, piercing deep.

Amanda moaned, grabbing for Olivia's ponytail as she began to suckle her clit. Pleasure roared fully to life inside her, and she ground her hips up against Olivia's mouth, taking both the scrub of her tongue and the thrust of her fingers with growing arousal. Still, it did not seem to be enough.

Pulling her legs up, she clutched her knees to her sides, allowing Olivia to touch her, unobstructed by her trembling thighs. She clung to her own legs, her nails biting into flesh as Olivia head bobbed beneath her.

"Yes, yes." She breathed, straining for the pleasure as Olivia's mouth rubbed against her swollen parts.

The dual pleasure felt good, but now that she'd had the first taste of fulfillment, the desire was hungry inside her, searching for more. Her body ached inside, ached for Olivia to fill her and fuck her raw, pleasure her til she could want no more.

"Liv, Liv." She groaned, lifting her head. "I…"

Olivia sucked off her clit, rising from between her legs.

"What is it?" Olivia whispered, her fingers slowing inside of her.

"No, no, don't stop." Amanda panted, reaching down to grab for her arm. "Just… harder… more."

Her fingers pumped into her for another before she drew back and Amanda felt a third finger seeking entrance.

"Like this…?" Olivia murmured as she massaged her hole to compliance.

"Oh…" Amanda groaned, a sense of weakness going through her legs as Olivia's fingers sank into her wet, open pussy.

Olivia exhaled a sound of pleasure as she fit her fingers into her with one languid pump. She began to fuck Amanda slowly at first, her fingers gliding in and out of Amanda's swollen passage.

"Deeper." Amanda rapsed. "Harder."

Olivia grabbed her hip, pulling her closer as her fingers thrust in, jarring Amanda's eyes open. Their eyes met, and Olivia whispered, "Like you did to me?"

Her eyes were dark with desire, and Amanda bit her lip, arousal coursing through her. She dragged her head against the sheet, nodding roughly as Olivia's fingers pushed into her again.

"Yes." She groaned, her back arching as Olivia's fingers hit deep.

Olivia's fingers flexed around her hip, and Amanda clutched her legs hard against her chest with trembling hands as Olivia began to fuck her, following Amanda's desperate, husky instructions.

With her legs held open, Amanda took every deep fucking, her eyes squeezed closed, her jaw stretched open with high, strangled cries. She could hear Olivia's breaths coming through clenched teeth, seething wordless pants and groans of satisfaction as she strove to push Amanda to orgasm.

The pleasure came quickly, yet not quite quickly enough. The seal had been broken, the tide was coming in, and yet it hardly seemed enough for all of the nights of anguish and unrequited desire that Amanda had endured for months. Shoving her hand down between her legs, she scrubbed her fingers hard over her own clit, accelerating the speed of the incoming orgasm until it hit, washing her out to sea.

She cried out, her feet hitting the bed as she arched suddenly, twisting halfway off the bed as the orgasm ravaged every molecule inside her body. Olivia rose above her, panting, her expression one of strung out pleasure as she grabbed Amanda writhing hip and thrust her fingers into wildly contracting muscle and trembling flesh. Amanda's fingers caught on her arm, and she pulled her down, collapsing both of them in the middle of the bed. Olivia struggled to pleasure her to the end, leaving them both panting in exhaustion by the time Amanda's quivering body weakened against the mattress.

They lay there for a long moment with Olivia's fingers still inside her, her face pressed against Amanda's neck. Amanda's arms were strewn out on either side of her, one leg bent beneath Olivia's arm, the other dangling off the edge of the bed.

She could scarcely put together a coherent thought until Olivia rolled slowly off of her and onto her back. Their arms and thighs were pressed together as they both stared up at the ceiling, their exhales replying to each other in the hot air above them until they finally slowed, tapering into silence.

Amanda stared up at the ceiling, almost afraid to break the moment. If this were any other fling, it would halfway over now - the other half being a shower and goodbyes. When she'd offered to take Olivia home, she hadn't imagined that it couldn't be much more than this - if she had been thinking at all - but lying next to her in the wake of pleasure, she suddenly did not want to be a one night stand anymore. She'd had enough of those in Atlanta before Patton had ruined her life. She'd let people use her, let her be their reason to forget, let them be her own distraction. She'd imagined that she would be happy allowing herself to be that for Olivia, but she couldn't be certain anymore. Their history wasn't one of meeting in a bar or gambling room with little but an hour between them before sex and see-you-laters that never happened. They knew each other now. Intimately.

Amanda swallowed hard, sliding her hand over to grasp Olivia's slowly.

"I'm glad you didn't go with him." She whispered, her voice husky and far too emotional in the silence.

Olivia didn't reply to the whispered confession, and when Amanda glanced over at her through a sheen of tears she was almost grateful that Olivia's eyes were closed, her mouth parted, face placid and peaceful with sleep.

She was tired, Amanda thought, and she deserved to rest. They both did.


	16. Chapter 16

The sky outside was still dark when Olivia awoke. The feeling of an unfamiliar room and the lingering smell of cigarette smoke had roused her, and it took a few moments before she oriented herself. The memory of where she was and why hit her all over again.

She blinked quickly, searching in the bed next to her for Amanda's body but the sheets had cooled since last she remembered.

Sitting up slowly in the dark, she scraped her hair back and glanced around the room. Her gaze tracked towards the window on the left side of the room, and it was there she found her. Leaned against the sill, Amanda gazed out towards the city, the cigarette smoldering between her fingers. The window was cracked and Olivia could hear the city now as the haziness of sleep lifted.

"Amanda…" She whispered, her voice rough from slumber.

Amanda started, clutching at her chest as she found Olivia in the dark.

"Sweet Jesus, you scared me." She said, choking out a stilted laugh.

"I'm sorry." Olivia replied softly though she inspected Amanda's demeanor with a much harsher eye.

"Couldn't sleep." Amanda answered her unspoken question with a shrug, turning back towards the window. "I mean I did… for awhile..."

"And then…" Olivia prompted, tossing the sheets away from her legs.

Shifting off the bed, she wandered across the room to where Amanda stood.

Amanda shrugged once more. "I've just been here."

"Killing yourself with these?" Olivia gently chided, grabbing the box of cigarettes from the sill to inspect them critically.

"Bad habit, remember." Amanda replied, blowing out a stream of smoke into the night.

In a closer light, Olivia hesitated upon Amanda's drawn features and tense position, and a deeper feeling of unease gripped her. She'd seen her share of sleepless nights and for all kinds of reasons, but after the past few weeks, she imagined that this kind of insomnia came from guilt and tightly kept secrets, the ones that could eat a person to the core.

"You know," Olivia murmured, placing the box back on the sill in front of Amanda, "People form self-soothing behaviors for all kinds of reasons…"

Amanda glanced down at the box, her shoulders stiff for a moment before she tossed her head back, blinking quickly. The sight of sudden tears further confirmed Olivia's suspicions that Amanda's midnight ruminations were closer to nightmares than daydreams. After all the walls they'd torn from between them in the previous hours, Olivia wondered if Amanda would finally trust her. Olivia had trusted her with her own secret, but Amanda had never seemed to be able to let go of hers, holding it close to her chest like a treasure - only this precious thing was poison to her and she'd allowed it to infest her for far too long.

Olivia wanted to reach out and touch her to assure her that she was safe here, but she held back. She didn't know what Amanda was about to say or what kinds of memories it would bring to the surface.

"Oh...wow…" Amanda choked out another laugh that sounded far too close to breaking. "This was not the kind of morning after you expected, was it?"

"I've had enough of those." Olivia contradicted her, pressing in closer. "I just want to know you're okay."

Amanda glanced over at her, tears growing rapidly in her eyes. Her mouth began to tremble and she clasped her hand over her face suddenly.

When Amanda had found her in the bar that night after the Terrance Hughes stakeout, Amanda had not wanted to admit the damage she'd endured. The lingering effects of violence, however, were not so easy to conceal, and Olivia knew as surely as she had in that dark storeroom, staring down her gun at Amanda's terrified eyes and Hughes' surly expression, that Amanda had suffered many nights before. Now, the shame spilled off of her in an immense wave of undeniable force, and Olivia wanted to reach out and catch her before she fell beneath the crushing weight.

"Amanda." She urged, ignoring caution as she took her by the elbow. "Let this go. Please, for your own sake. You need to let it out."

Amanda drew shaky breath, wiping her palm down her cheeks before staring out the window again. Her smeared tear tracks glistened on her cheeks in the faint light of the streetlamps down below while her lips trembled with unspoken emotion. She pressed the cigarette to her mouth, taking a shaky inhale as Olivia watched her intently.

"It's not what you think." She said at last, her voice raw and fractured.

"I'm not thinking anything." Olivia murmured, rubbing her thumb over her elbow slowly. "I just know this is weighing on you, Amanda."

Amanda swallowed hard, and massaged her fingers over her forehead. "I just- I know how it seems."

"You're already blaming yourself."

"I've blamed myself since the night it happened." Amanda admitted stiffly, tapping out her ashes on the sill.

Olivia didn't reply, watching as Amanda's hardened armoured cracked and shifted. They were here at their most vulnerable, and she could feel the confession blooming at the tip of Amanda's tongue, aching to be free. She hoped that she could be this for Amanda - a confidant, a friend, and the lover that Amanda had been to her last night.

"It was a deal, you see." Amanda whispered roughly at last, flicking a glance towards Olivia.

Her eyes were guarded as though she still expected blame, but beneath, Olivia could see the pain and anguish that were dying to be validated.

"A deal." Olivia repeated, leaning back against the sill.

Their hips were touching, and Amanda's arm was against her stomach. She wanted to hold her closer.

"Yes." Amanda whispered, her eyes darting away, towards their connected bodies. "I went willingly. I put myself in the room."

"You promised to have sex… with someone." Olivia clarified softly, though inside her stomach was churning.

She knew where this story was headed. She'd heard far too many similar ones.

"Yes." Amanda's whispered was husky and tinged with guilt. "It was quid pro quo. I was just supposed to go there and-and do it, and be d-done with it, and we'd both get what we wanted, but-"

Her sudden burst of words cut off sharply, and she pulled away from Olivia's side, leaving Olivia's palm empty and aching. Olivia watched her pace away, silenced by the amount of pain and anger emanating from Amanda's body, and by the creeping, horrifying suspicion that this man - whoever he was - wore a shield of disgrace rather than justice.

"He didn't come there for sex." Amanda said at last, her tone full of defeat. "He came to-..."

Her voice faded off into silence, leaving the aura between them pulsing like a tender bruise.

"To rape you."

Amanda turned sharply at the sound of Olivia's voice, her jaw clenched against further emotion, her brow twisted with pain. They stared at each other for a moment, and Olivia thought that she might argue again, twist her own trauma into something less harrowing and more inside of her control.

But at last, her shoulders sank and her brittle whisper slipped across the room, "Yes."

Olivia heart pumped in her ears and she felt herself grasping the edge of the windowsill, the wood biting in her palms while her stomach turned. She'd been angry for the violence perpetrated against women so many times before, but every single time it hit her, it was fresh like the very first time she'd listened to the tape of her mother's police report.

"Is he a cop?" Her voice cut across the room, cradling her barely controlled rage in a tight tremble.

Amanda stared at her, her posture limp, her gaze clinging to the last bits of defiance.

"I…" She began before cutting off sharply and turning away.

Scraping her hand through her hair, she took a deep drag from the cigarette as the silence stretched out between them. All Olivia could hear was Amanda's trembling exhales and her own heartbeat thundering in her ears.

"Amanda." She demanded, pushing away from the sill. "Is he?"

"I swore I'd never tell anyone." Amanda snapped, spinning around to face her with the wide eyes and flushed cheeks of desperation.

"Amanda." Olivia whispered, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Why?"

"Because-" Amanda shook her head frantically. "Please, just forget it."

"Forget it? How can you ask me that?" Olivia pleaded, pulling her back as Amanda attempted to escape her grasp.

"Do you know how many times I wished someone like you cared?" Amanda demanded, a tear spilling down her cheek. "Do you know how I _prayed_ for that?"

"Then…" Olivia whispered, her voice breaking. "Why don't you let me help you now…?"

"Because, Liv," Amanda whispered, gazing up at her with tears glimmering in her blue eyes. "You can't do anything about it now. It's over."

Olivia stared at her for a moment, struck speechless. She'd imagined that Amanda's past held a terrible secret such as this, but she hadn't imagined it would be another cop, a person who'd sworn to uphold the law, nor had she imagined that she would feel so helpless.

"I… I don't believe that." Olivia finally whispered, her hands slipping down Amanda's arms to her wrists where she squeezed, desperate for reciprocation, for some kind of sign that Amanda would accept what she wanted so fervently to offer.

"But it's true." Amanda's voice broke, her mouth collapsing into trembles once more as tears engulfed her gaze. "It's too late, Liv… _You're_ too late."

Olivia stared at her until her devastated expression blurred before her eyes and she failed to grasp some response that would be anywhere close to adequate. All she could think to do was hold her.

Pulling her in, she crushed Amanda's smaller, trembling frame to her chest, cradling the back of her head as Amanda began to sob. Her body shook with emotion that she had buried for far too long, and for a long moment, she couldn't even return then embrace. When she did, her hands were desperate, clinging to Olivia's back and shoulders as her mouth pressed deep, sorrowful cries into her neck.

Olivia silently held her, staring horror-stricken into an oblivion of an imagination where the man responsible for Amanda's pain were before her, laid out for her punishing fist of Justice. It was a fantasy world in which the consequences of destroying a woman's life could equate to the absolute devastation he had caused, but she knew the truth. Amanda's rapist would never know half of her pain, no matter what Olivia did to him. He was immune in the way that all men were immune to the pain of women.

"Come here." Olivia whispered at last when Amanda's tears had ebbed and she could stand without falling.

Leading them towards the bed, Olivia laid Amanda and crawled in beside her. Covering them with the blankets, she cradled Amanda to her chest again and pressed kisses along her crown. She stroked her hair, murmuring soft assurances until she felt the tremors coursing through Amanda's body smoothed out and her tears quieted into soft sniffles. She didn't move until Amanda's evened out and eventually slowed as she drifted to sleep.

Long after she slept, Olivia lay awake, staring up towards the ceiling, replaying Amanda's words on a haunting loop through her mind.

_It's too late, Liv… You're too late._

**xxxxxx**

When Amanda's eyes fluttered open the next morning, the sun was barely beginning to dawn beyond her window, but her alarm clock was screeching next to the bed, reminding her that she had a job that was still very much real.

With a groan, she rolled over and slapped the snooze button before collapsing on her back once more. Her eyes were dry and exhaustion filled her limbs as though she'd hardly even slept. The toll that her midnight confession had taken had hardly begun to fade. She felt the effects of the emotional impact like punches after a fight, bruising her in the places she hadn't defended well enough.

Her eyes opened once more, and she turned her head slowly, looking to the other side of the bed, but the mattress was empty. For a moment, her stomach dropped with cold dread as she wondered if Olivia had slipped out while she slept, but then she heard the sound of her voice, filling Amanda relief.

"Hi."

"Liv." Amanda sat up abruptly in the bed as she found Olivia standing in the doorway.

She was dressed, her coat draped over her arm, although her hair was still wet and she had yet to find her shoes.

"I used your shower. I hope you don't mind." Olivia said, motioning behind her in the direction of the bathroom.

"Of course not." Amanda whispered, gathering the sheets up against her chest.

In the light of day, it didn't seem so easy to be vulnerable with Olivia. Seeing Olivia dressed, prepared to leave her reminded her that there was a world beyond last night. It felt too close to returning to the previous state of their relationship, and she'd never hated the thought of something so much.

"I didn't think we should arrive together." Olivia said at last.

"No, no, yeah." Amanda agreed in a conflicting jumble of words although inwardly, her heart was falling.

Olivia offered her a smile that Amanda took to be reassuring before she crossed the room. She bent down, gently holding the back of Amanda's neck as she pressed a kiss to her forehead. Amanda's eyes slid shut and she clutched Olivia's wrist, clinging to her for as long as possible. She smelled sweet and clean, the wet tendrils of her hair tickling Amanda's cheek. She wished she could pull her back into the bed and feel her skin against Olivia's for a little while longer.

"Will you be okay?" Olivia murmured as she pulled back, her hand lingering on Amanda's cheek.

Amanda nodded even as she swallowed hard around the lump in her throat. Her fingers were still around Olivia's wrist and she knew it would take all of her willpower to let go.

"What about…?" She began, her voice failing as she gazed up into Olivia's dark eyes.

"What?"

Amanda swallowed once more, glancing away from her. "About us…"

Olivia hesitated for a moment before she leaned in and pressed one more kiss to her head. "Let's talk later, okay?"

"Tonight?"

"Of course." Olivia nodded, her palm retreating from Amanda's cheek. "For now, I have to go."

Amanda's fingers slipped from Olivia's arm though she felt the overwhelming urge to make Olivia stay longer, if only to beg her not to leave her. She should've told her how she felt last night instead of crying about Patton as she had done countless nights before. Her chances with Olivia were slim, and she could feel them grow slimmer once they were back at the precinct, back in real life.

Amanda watched Olivia head towards the door, her throat aching with things that she wished she could say more easily. Olivia tossed one more smile over her shoulder as she left the room, and Amanda could barely return it before she was gone. Her footsteps retreated down the hall, followed by the sound of the deadbolt and doorknob unlocking. When the door shut behind her, Amanda fell back on the bed, her arms spread out around her. Her head was bursting with thoughts that ran in circles through her mind, and it all almost felt too heavy to get up out of bed.

Finally, Amanda glanced over at the clock, cursing as she realized she'd allowed her thoughts to consume her for far too long. Bolting up out of bed, she ran to the bathroom and showered as quickly as her post sex condition would allow. Once dressed, she immediately headed to the 16th. Breakfast would have to wait.

When she arrived, she tried to make herself more presentable as she rode the elevator upwards. She groped her hairband on her wrist before realizing that Olivia had been the last one wearing it and it had most likely fallen out or been discarded on her bathroom counter.

"Damn." She whispered, scraping her half wet hair over one shoulder as the elevator doors opened.

She'd barely begun to compose herself and find an appropriate demeanor in which to engage Olivia with when she heard the very person of her thoughts call to her from across the room.

"Amanda!"

Olivia was at her desk, leaning on the corner with one hand, the phone clutched in her other. Her brow was furrowed with familiar, well-trained concentration, but her expression was interrupted by some other emotion that made Amanda's heart race.

Tossing her keys and coat down on her desk, she turned and found Olivia gazing at her, eyes wide.

"What? What is it?" Amanda demanded breathlessly.

"It's Hughes." Olivia said, her voice holding a low tremor of apprehension. "He's back."


	17. Chapter 17

The slow drag of a typical Tuesday was lost, and the morning after haze ripped cruelly from the forefront of her mind. Once she heard Olivia's damning words - _he's back_ \- all she could think of was that moment inside the back room of the bodega when panic had collapsed in on her, rendering her frozen and useless.

She wanted his ass. She wanted to shove him to the ground, cuff him, and explain to him how he was never going to see the light of day again. Her's would be the last female flesh that he touched.

By Olivia's strained expression, she knew that her partner could read her thoughts; but the understanding rang different now. Olivia knew her past and the things that kept her awake at night; she knew the acrid taste of perversion that rested at the back of Amanda's throat no matter how she tried to chase it away with the sweetness of justice. She knew now why Amanda had frozen.

All this and more swirled through Amanda's mind as she watched Olivia hang up the phone slowly.

"Where?" She whispered at last. "How?"

"That was the 23rd." Olivia said, meeting her gaze carefully. "They received a call from his ex- wife."

"But how?" Amanda demanded, her voice rising as she charged closer. "We fucking had him."

"I know." Olivia said in a gentle tone, glancing about the rest of the precinct as Amanda's enraged expletives reached nearby detectives. "He violated his probation and broke into her house last night."

"Probation?" Amanda seethed, her heart thudding in her ears.

Her hands were trembling, and she felt like she was groping at the edge of her composure, clinging on by nail and mere grit.

"What fucking judge would give that bastard probation?"

"We haven't figured that out yet." Olivia continued in the same even, soothing tone that made Amanda want scream.

She didn't need babied. This wasn't her bedroom, and this wasn't their midnight sleepover where they whispered secrets under the sheets. This was the real world, and it was more vicious than she had expected in the severe dawn of morning.

Cursing under her breath, Amanda turned back to her desk and unlocked the drawer with trembling hands. Retrieving her service weapon, she attached it to her belt, and slammed the drawer shut with reverberating force.

"Amanda, wait." Olivia insisted, her fingers touching Amanda's elbow with gentle insistence.

"What?" Amanda snapped, jerking her arm away. "We've got to go get the son of a bitch."

"Amanda, it's a hostage situation." Olivia stopped her once more, her fingers clenching more tightly around her arm as she pulled her closer. "They called us out of courtesy. Once they get him out of the house, we'll make the arrest, but until then, we can't do anything."

"Fuck that." Amanda breathed before she had even fully comprehended the information. "Fuck that, Liv, we have-"

"Amanda." Olivia cut her off, the softness slipping from her voice. "Stop. Sit down."

"No, I-"

"I have to go speak with Cragen." Olivia replied firmly. "Now sit down. Breathe."

Amanda pulled away from Olivia's grasp one more time, anger flaring through her veins.

"This isn't right, and you know it." She whispered through clenched teeth. "You know what happened in that bodega-"

"And, believe me, I'd want to arrest him too-" Olivia began to speak over her once more, but Amanda stabbed a finger in her face.

"And now you know what happened in Atlanta." She snapped. "But that does _not_ give you the right to tell me what to do."

Trembling from head to toe, she slumped down into her chair and flipped her laptop open forcibly. Above her, Olivia hovered silently for a moment, searing grudging regret into Amanda's heart. Damning tears burned her eyes, but she couldn't let them fall, and she sure as hell couldn't apologize now.

At last, Olivia murmured, "I'm going to talk to Cragen," and turned away, briskly heading towards the captain's office.

"Damnit." Amanda whispered, clasping her hands over her face as throat and sinuses ached with emotion.

She struggled for several moments to compose herself, and even when she lifted her head, she felt conspicuously flushed. Cradling her forehead in her hand, she stared dejectedly at the NYPD login screen and hoped that no one in the vicinity was staring at her as she imagined they were.

Several minutes passed, and at last, she glanced up, peering towards the windows of the captain's office. Through the half-closed blinds she could see Olivia standing in front of Cragen's desk, the motions of her hands hinting at the intensity of their conversation.

_Maybe, she'll convince him to let us go_… Amanda mused, half wishful thinking, half serious contemplation.

Olivia's powers of persuasion certainly weren't up for debate, but after the way she had snapped, she wasn't sure which side Olivia was on. Last night, Olivia had been desperate to help her, but Olivia's definition of help wasn't always the same as Amanda's, and what Olivia planned to do with her personal deductions of the situation put a pit of dread in Amanda's stomach.

_Shouldn't have told her…_ The derisive, self-loathing thought passed through her mind, and she pressed her forehead back into her palm, her lids fluttering against a new wave of tears.

She'd always imagined that she would regret the moment that she told anyone about the rape, but she hadn't regretted the moment she'd told Olivia - only these ones that followed, where the implications reached into her present life.

She started when she heard the door to Cragen's office rattle open. Quickly dashing at her tears, she sat up straight, watching intently as Cragen and Olivia emerged, both of their expressions tense and solemn.

"Fin, Amaro." Cragen called the attention of the other two detectives who were presently carrying on by the coffeemaker, unaware of the situation.

"What's up?" Fin asked as they returned to the grouping of their desks.

Olivia sat down at her own desk, her shoulders rigid. Amanda watched her, panic slowly winding through her chest. She tried to catch her eye, but Olivia continued to stare staunchly ahead.

"We've gotten a call from the 2-3." Cragen explained. "Terrance Hughes jumped his bail conditions and broke into his ex-wife's house last night."

"Motherfucker." Fin muttered in disbelief beside her, but all Amanda could do was stare at Olivia's back, tears welling in her eyes.

"They've got a hostage situation over there, and the negotiation and SWAT teams are onsight. Now, I know we all want to get this guy for good, but we've still got a precinct to run, so Fin, I want you and Olivia over there. Amaro, you and Rollins can stay here, hold down the fort."

Amanda's eyes jarred from Olivia's back towards Cragen, disbelief and anger rekindling like the spark before wildfire.

_So she gets to go arrest this fucker while she grounds me and-_

She'd stood up from the desk before she remembered telling herself too, her chair rattling backwards behind her. Her abrupt movement startled the rest of the team, and she felt their eyes turn on her, but Olivia's were the only ones she cared to meet. Their gazes clashed from across the room, striking an unsustainable tension for a few short, but volatile seconds. Beneath her cool demeanor, Olivia's expression held an apology, but it wasn't good enough.

Without a word, Amanda turned away from their concerned expressions and strode towards the hallway. Her ears were pounding, and trembles that had just begun to smooth out were shuddering through her limbs once more. The hallway blurred in front of her, rimmed in rage and filled with tears as she charged towards the bathroom. She felt sick, mentally and physically, and she was afraid it was all going to come up at once.

"Amanda!" She heard Olivia's voice behind her just as she reached the bathroom door.

Grabbing the doorframe, she leaned heavily on the cold metal, her throat seizing as she listened to Olivia's footsteps behind her.

"Amanda." She said more softly as she reached her.

She hovered behind her, quiet for a moment as though she didn't know what to say.

"What… what did you tell him?" Amanda whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.

There was a pause of silence that Amanda could only read as guilt before Olivia murmured. "Nothing that he couldn't see for himself."

The words ignited another vicious spark inside Amanda's chest and she spun around, meeting Olivia's concerned, but austere gaze.

"You told him something though… didn't you?" Amanda demanded, searching her gaze for some hint of untruth that she knew was lurking inside.

Olivia gazed at her for a stubborn moment before she glanced downwards with a sigh.

"It was several weeks ago. After the night at the bodega." Her voice held a twinge of regret beyond the stiff layer of defensiveness.

"What do you mean?" Amanda whispered, her voice thready.

Her legs felt weak and she sank back against the wall for support as her heart chugged shallowly in her chest.

"I've been doing this for a long time, Amanda." Olivia said at last, lifting her head to look into Amanda's eyes. "I know a rape victim when I see one."

Amanda stared at her, her stomach turning with acidic dread as a fresh wave of humiliation and stinging tears rushed towards the surface.

"Wh-what do you mean?" She repeated, halting, choked tears winding into her voice. "That y-you what…? That you guessed a-and you told him?"

Olivia's brows furrowed, her mouth tightening. "I… insinuated."

"And what if you had been wrong?" Amanda demanded, her voice rising. "What if you invaded my privacy for nothing?"

"But I didn't." Olivia whispered firmly, shoving dread deeper into Amanda's stomach.

"I…" Amanda breathed, sinking down against the wall as she grabbed her knees to keep herself up right. "I don't fucking understand. What… What was the goddamn pointing of forcing me to tell you if you already knew?!"

"Amanda, I didn't force you." Olivia replied, her voice taking on a steely edge that Amanda knew she could cut herself on.

She stared down at the floor until it tilted and blurred before she squeezed her eyes shut. In the silence, her heart pounded and Olivia's presence screamed even louder. Amanda wanted to sink down to the floor completely, but she remained hunched there until her legs and arms trembled.

"We should talk about this, Amanda, but I not now." Olivia said at last, her tone much softer, as though sensed Amanda's defeat, and she gently touched Amanda's arm once more. "Stand up. Let's get you cleaned up."

Amanda straightened slowly, too drained to fight with her any longer. Suddenly embarrassed by herself, she turned quickly towards the bathroom, and pushed the door open with a weak shove. Olivia reached past her, holding it open with a much stronger hand, allowing them both to enter. Amanda slipped inside, her head down.

The bathroom was much cooler than the stuffy hallway, and Amanda felt a small bit of gratitude despite her conflicting feelings towards Olivia at the moment. She wandered to the sink and turned on the faucet, bending towards the cleansing fountain. Cupping the water in her trembling hands, she pressed the sharp, cold liquid to her face, wincing at the harsh temperature upon her flushed cheeks. The shock, however, dulled the flush of humiliation and lingering anger, and she cupped the water again, repeating the process several more times before she felt the puffiness diminishing from her eyes.

Wrenching off the water, she leaned on the sink for a long moment, staring down at the basin. She didn't feel she had the courage to stand and look Olivia in the eye; to apologize or explain or to do anything other than hide away until the memory of this morning passed. She wanted terribly to return to last night, to the safety of a shared bed, of no judgments, and no responsibilities.

Beside her, Olivia pulled out a few paper towels, the plastic dispenser squeaking in the silence.

"Let me see you." She murmured, cupping her fingers beneath Amanda's chin and drawing her closer.

Amanda hesitantly followed her direction, pressing her eyes shut against further tears as Olivia pressed the paper towel to her cheeks, wiping away the water and what was left of her overflowing emotions.

"It's okay to feel things, Amanda." Olivia murmured as she dabbed water from her eyelids and brows. "You can be mad at me as long as you like, but the last thing I want is for you to put yourself into the same situation with Hughes as last time."

Amanda swallowed hard, hardly able to will herself to open her eyes. She felt if she looked into Olivia's eyes that she would break again, that she would fall into her and never be able to pick herself back up.

Instead, she kept them closed and let Olivia wipe away the tears as they began to lace through the lingering water. She only hoped that Olivia wouldn't notice.

xxxxxx

At some point, it had begun to rain.

Olivia and Fin stood beneath the tent that the Hostage Negotiation Team had erected on the sidewalk across the street from the house, dressed in NYPD issued bulletproof vests, windbreakers, and baseball caps, but somehow the rain still managed to get in. The ends of her ponytail and the stray hairs that had escaped were wet, and she knew that her makeup must be ruined by now.

They'd been outside the house for well over three hours, and Olivia was becoming ansty. All she could think of was Amanda, and the entire situation put her stomach in knots.

Perhaps it was better that Amanda knew she'd cautioned Cragen, but it hadn't hurt any less seeing the betrayal in her eyes. It wasn't that Olivia regretted the conversation with Cragen as much as she regretted her behavior towards Amanda at the time. If they had been in a better relationship at the time, the path of this day would be different. The what ifs all lead her back to one thing - her and Amanda's reckless fling.

The virtues of her decisions last night were few, and yet she couldn't bring herself to regret a single moment of what she was sure was the most pleasurable evening of her life. If not for the sudden re-emergence of their past issues, Olivia imagined that she would already be yearning for another night splayed out across Amanda's sheets with the other woman's fingers buried inside her.

If the physical pleasure hadn't been enough, the emotional impact that the tryst had thrust upon her was almost too much to contemplate. It was difficult to reconcile the woman who had cradled her to her chest last night with the woman who'd raged at her outside the precinct bathroom, yet she could not abandon either one of them in her heart. If anything, Amanda's confession last night and her distraught reaction this morning only made Olivia more certain that Amanda had wound her around her finger, tighter than seaman's knot. She couldn't be so certain as to declare some sort of "love" and it was far too soon after the tumult of her relationship with Elliot for her to ponder an everlasting connection, but the way Amanda had managed to crawl into her heart and make a space there insisted on her consideration.

It'd been enough for her to seek measures of protection for the younger detective. She'd been in situations where she'd allowed a perp's actions to become far too personal, and it had never ended well. Although she had known Amanda would protest her confinement to the precinct, Olivia had been certain that it was for the best. She was still certain, but the state of their fledgling relationship nagged at her.

She wondered what Amanda was doing at the moment, how she was feeling, and what she was thinking. Did she think of Olivia with the same intensity? Did she regret the hasty words between them and hope for reconciliation?

She'd been quiet and somber when Olivia had followed her out of the bathroom, hardly looking Olivia in the eye. She'd slunk to her desk, and by then, the urgency of the situation with Hughes had urged Olivia to leave the precinct quickly with Fin. There'd been no more time for reassurances or secluded interventions. She'd pulled her phone out a few times, considering texting her, but she hadn't been able to construct a proper sentence that she felt would come across with her most gentle intentions.

She dipped her hands into her pockets once more, feeling the device in one hand and Elliot's badge in the other. She smoothed her thumb over the familiar surface, each number and shape memorized by her fingers, but she wasn't sure that it held the same reassurance. Instead, it felt heavy in her hand, a weight holding her down. Closing her fingers around it, she discreetly transferred the badge to her back pocket and reinserted her hand into her pockets for warmth.

"They're gonna have to shoot this motherfucker." Fin commented beside her, his arms crossed as her glared at the house.

"Well, I wish they'd hurry up." Olivia commented, garnering a raised brow from Fin as she glanced at her wrist watch.

"You good?" He asked. "You're startin' to sound a little too much like yours truly."

"You and I know both know that he's not going to let her out of there alive." Olivia replied, gazing at the small yellow house across the street. "If he was going to he would've let her go already."

Fin shook his head. "He knows he ain't worth all this."

Olivia peered with disgust past the tent at the carefully placed snipers and the negotiator. She hadn't wanted to take a killshot very often, but she imagined if she could go back in time to the backroom of that bodega, she would've fire just a few inches to right and destroyed the possibility of this timeline every coming to fruition.

"Liv." Fin said suddenly in a confused tone, dragging her attention away from the circus surrounding the house.

"What?"

Fin motioned over her shoulder, and she turned quickly, her eyes skating up the street and back for a half second before her gaze landed on the Crown Vic at the curb, and the small, blonde figure exiting the vehicle.

Her stomach dropped as she recognized Amanda.

"What the hell is she doing here?" She whispered, immediately breaking from Fin's side.

Striding down the sidewalk, she could hear her heart pumping in her ears, apprehension turning her stomach. She was halfway to the Crown Vic when Amanda's gaze caught hers, her blue eyes sharp with stubborn and brash resolve. Amanda held her glare for only moment, long enough to convey her intentions, before she turned and grabbed her bulletproof vest from the car. She lifted it over her head and began to roughly close the straps as Olivia closed the distance between them.

"What do you think you're doing?" Olivia demanded as the rain whipped across her face.

"If you were me, you'd be here too." Amanda returned, tightening the chest straps without meeting her eyes.

"You're disobeying a direct order." Olivia pointed out, grabbing the door of the Crown Vic as Amanda attempted to shut it. "You need to get back in this car and get back to the house."

"Liv." Amanda said her name sharply, her voice holding a warning as she finally glared back at her. "I'm going to be here when they take that bastard down and there's nothing you can do about it."

"No?" Olivia returned, yanking the car door of her grasp once more. "I don't think you want to test that theory."

Amanda's eyes were steely, her jaw clenched, fingers white around her grasp on the door.

"What are you going to do?" She whispered at last. "Make me? Cuff me like a perp?"

Olivia stepped in closer to her, taking direct advantage of the three inches that she had on Amanda as she stared down at her. The last time they'd been this close, Amanda had been ordering her to strip her clothes off and kissing her with unequivocal into Amanda's eyes, Olivia knew the memory wasn't lost to either of them. Amanda seemed to falter, her throat bobbing, though she continued to stare back at her.

"Don't make me do any of that." Olivia murmured at last, reaching up to touch her arm.

Amanda's expression cracked once more, her lids blinking quickly as Olivia cupped the back of her upper arm, squeezing softly.

"I want to be here, Liv." Amanda whispered, her voice losing it's edge to a pleading whimper that swelled beneath.

"I know." Olivia whispered, resisting the urge to pull her to her chest as she had last night and protect her from the ills of the world. "I know, honey."

She risked the affectionate term in lieu of physical affection, hoping that Amanda would crack beneath the gentler handling as she had in the bathroom, but the moment never had a chance to happen.

Behind them, the shouts of the SWAT team swelled in the air, filling Olivia's ears with sudden dread and adrenaline. She spun around, her hand immediately on her side arm as a throng of black, armed figures crowded into the street. Beyond the throng, she could see the front door of the house open. Hughes filled the doorway, his terrified ex-wife clutched in front of him as he held a gun to her head. The scene was far too familiar. She'd seen this all before, only last time it had been Amanda, and the memory grabbed her heart with a steel fist.

She was running up the sidewalk before she could think, rushing to do something, _anything_; but the next few moments happened too quickly for her to grasp.

The shouting of the SWAT team and the pounding of her boots on the cement dulled in her ears as Hughes shoved the sobbing woman forward. His gun came to bear, and Olivia heard herself shout right before the symphony of bullets pierced the muggy air. She gasped, halting on the sidewalk as Hughes' final victim collapsed to the cement, blood spraying from her back. Behind her, Hughes swayed for a moment as though even death would not take him, but then he crumbled, his chest full of metal, gunpowder and blood.

She felt Amanda collide into her behind her, panting heavily, and for a moment neither of them moved as the scene settled before them, the street suddenly silent enough to hear the echo of the SWAT team's bullets.

She turned slowly, finding Amanda staring blankly at the house.

"Are you okay?" Olivia whispered breathlessly.

Amanda blinked once, her brow furrowing.

"Yeah…" She whispered huskily, her eyes trained on the house for another moment before she turned suddenly and walked back towards the Crown Vic.

Olivia glanced back towards the scene in front of the house, conflicted for a moment over whether she should return to her duties or follow Amanda, but then she too turned, following after Amanda's lone figure.

"Amanda!" She called after her, letting the plea lace each syllable.

Amanda stopped by the car, her shoulders stiff before she glanced back, her wide blue eyes open and wanting. She wouldn't say it, but she didn't want to be alone.

"I'll go with you." Olivia said.

Amanda nodded slowly, her eyes misting over.

"Okay." She whispered roughly, barely clinging to her composure.

Olivia's throat tightened at the sight of her distress, and she broke suddenly from her place, rushing to her. Abandoning her concern of appearances, she grabbed her and pulled her to her chest. In moments, Amanda's rigid facade crumbled, and she began to tremble as she clung to Olivia in return.

"It's okay." Olivia whispered unsteadily, petting the back of her head as she pressed a kiss to soft crown. The whole world seemed uncertain and shattered, but she held her closer and murmured into her hair, "_You're_ okay."


	18. Chapter 18

Through the rain-splattered window Amanda watched Olivia pace between two squares of concrete on the sidewalk, her head bent as she cradled the phone to her ear. Her brow was furrowed as she listened before she paced again, one hand motioning diligently through the air. Her rebuttal was lost beneath the rumble of the car engine, the rain, and the din of the crime scene just beyond them.

Amanda pressed her eyes shut as she felt her throat tighten once more. Hot tears pressed against her lids and strove to keep an even expression.

_Don't cry. _

_Don't cry._

_Don't cry._

"Amanda."

Her eyes flicked open, red and watery. Beyond the pane, Olivia was bent, gazing at her through the water droplets on the glass. Her gaze was concerned as she motioned for Amanda to roll the window down.

Amanda shifted, quickly rubbing the back of her hand over her eyes as she grappled for the button. Eventually, the window hummed downwards, letting in a gush of cold air and the lingering smell of Olivia's perfume. The scent of it engulfed Amanda's lungs once more, and she struggled to manage the conflicting emotions warring inside her chest.

"I'm going to take you home, okay?" Olivia said as their eyes met, uninhibited.

Her dark eyes appeared distractingly dark beneath the gloomy sky, offset by the unusually pale pallor of her skin. Her time beneath Mother Earth's tears had left her hair curling against her forehead and jaw, her cheeks glistening. More than anything, Amanda wanted to reach through the window and kiss her, but she didn't. Couldn't.

Finally, she processed what Olivia had said, a protest burgeoning to life in her throat.

"Don't argue, please." Olivia murmured before Amanda could speak.

Olivia's fingers were clenched over the edge of the open window, and Amanda glanced at her blanched white knuckles for distraction or comfort, for something other than the horror and humiliation roiling in her stomach.

She settled back into the seat wordlessly, reaching for the button. The window rose beneath Olivia's fingers, a strong hint for her to move, but Olivia remained there, stubbornly staring at her through the window. Amanda released the button, yet she couldn't quite meet her eyes again. She chewed at her lower lip as she wondered what further secrets and emotions Olivia might mine now that so little was left between them.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked quietly, her eyes boring into Amanda's temple.

Amanda shrugged, picking at a thread on her jeans. Beneath her rigid expression, a flush of red threatened to break her pale surface.

Now that it was all said and done, she didn't know whether she wanted Olivia's cloying concern and comfort. She felt strangely uncomfortable in her own body after what she had seen, knowing that she might've met the same Fate only a few weeks previously. She should feel lucky and grateful to be alive, but something much worse clawed at her insides - something like guilt and self-hatred. Immediately, she had felt that Hughes's escape and subsequent attack on his ex-wife had been her own fault, but once the dust had settled, a deeper sense of horror had arisen.

_Patton. This is all because of Patton. Because I let him. And now she knows and now Cragen knows and now -_

"Amanda?" Olivia's voice startled her out of her spiraling thoughts.

Her vision cleared, yet not quite to perfect clarity.

"Yeah?" Amanda whispered, her voice rough.

Olivia stared at her for another moment before she suddenly straightened. Amanda swallowed hard, watching her stride around the nose of the Crown Vic before climbing into the drivers' seat. Pulling the door closed, Olivia turned to face her.

"This is not your fault, Amanda." She said immediately, her voice firm and unyielding - but Amanda's heart had never yielded either, her thoughts even less so.

She shrugged once more, and began to roll up the window. She watched the glass rise, cutting off her clear view of the crime scene. Now, it was just a blurred, hazy image of the past.

"You're the one who thought I was dangerous enough in the field to tell Cragen that I'm a 'victim'." Amanda replied, her voice bloated with tears rather than the sharp edge of anger she wished she could possess.

"Amanda." Olivia murmured, deep regret lining her hushed tone.

Amanda clenched her eyes shut against further tears, and rubbed her fingers over her clammy, but feverish forehead.

"Just… please take me home." She insisted. "If that's really what you want to do."

"I do." Olivia returned, her fingers settling gently over the back of Amanda's hand.

Amanda clenched her fingers closed beneath the lingering, comforting touch. If she released her fingers or turned her wrist, they could be connected again, but she couldn't take another sweet embrace. The last had nearly broken her.

At last, Olivia shifted, and her fingers retreated.

In moments, Olivia was driving them away from the scene of death and reopened wounds. The yellow house, spattered in blood, might soon be a memory. It would never be soon enough.

**xxxxxx**

She didn't need to walk her up, but the sense of responsibility was nagging, the ardent beating of her heart even more so.

She felt ill as she followed Amanda up the stairs, uneasily watching the defeated slope of her shoulders and the heavy steps of her feet as she trudged upwards. She'd hardly spoken a word the entire drive to the apartment, and Olivia was beginning to wonder if she truly had made a terrible mistake in telling Cragen. At the time, she'd convinced herself that it was a necessary evil; at the time, she'd had nothing to lose.

_Maybe she's just upset over what happened. Maybe it's just reminding her of things…_ Olivia mused hopefully as they reached the top of the stairs.

Amanda began to fish her keys out of her pocket, her head bent.

"You can go back to work now if you want." Her voice was riddled with barely controlled emotion, and Olivia wanted to sweep her hair back from her face and look into her eyes again.

She stepped closer, her exhale shaky as she reached out to touch Amanda's arm.

"Amanda…" She murmured as her fingers curled around Amanda's elbow.

Amanda glanced up at her quickly, blinking beneath her disheveled fringe and a haze of tears. Her jaw was set, her mouth tight, but Olivia wanted to believe that it was simply a defense against further outpourings of emotion.

"I'll walk you in." Olivia managed at last, nodding towards the door.

Amanda's brow wrinkled deeper and she tossed a glanced towards the door, her jaw working.

"I… I'm fine, Liv." She stated though her voice trembled with all implications of the contrary. "I want you to know that. I'm not weak. I'm not breakable. I-"

"I know." Olivia interrupted her quietly, her fingers tightening around Amanda's arm while her heart ached in her chest. "What you told me last night… It doesn't change anything, Amanda, I promise."

"How can it not?" Amanda demanded, her sharp blue eyes turning back upon Olivia.

Olivia stared back at her for a moment, trying to come up with a proper response, one that was careful and reassuring. In the silence, Amanda seemed to regret the hasty explanation, shaking her head quickly as she stabbed the key into the lock.

"Nevermind." Amanda muttered, wrenching the door open. "It doesn't matter anyways."

"Why not?" The words now raced quickly from Olivia's tongue, ushered upon a wave of apprehension that she could scarcely comprehend.

"I mean…" Amanda whispered, glancing at her as the door opened beneath her hold. "It was just one night… right?"

Olivia stared at her, struck mute by the weight of her words and all the implications that came in the fallout. Her heartbeat pounded against her ears, and she wondered if Amanda could hear it, this desperate racing of her blood for her.

Finally, she managed to tear her eyes from Amanda's guarded expression, flicking her gaze down the hall for relief from her piercing expression. She felt tears in her own eyes, hot and sharp.

"Is that what it was for you?" She whispered, her voice hollow in her ears.

She met Amanda's eyes again, hoping for the breakdown that she had learned to see coming. She didn't wish for her weakness; only for her need for her.

Amanda pursed her lips, her flesh trembling between her teeth as she fought the tears that were quick to mirror Olivia's.

"I don't know," Amanda said roughly at last. "What do you call it?"

Olivia swallowed hard, her gaze jerking towards the floor. With the question turned upon her, it was much harder to speak, to admit something that bloomed overnight, in the dark, between their secrets and their desires. What she said now might have lasting implications, far harsher than those of a one night stand, the same that had followed her through her affair with Elliot.

"It's not that easy." She whispered, reaching up to swipe a tear from her eye before she met Amanda's eyes again.

Amanda's teeth worked over her lip, and she hesitated, her hand gripping the doorknob.

"I… I just…" She glanced away, blinking quickly before she whispered. "I don't know how to trust you. A-and it's not just about what you told Cragen. It's about everything that's ever happened to me and ever will happen."

Olivia nodded as another rush of tears burned her eyes, and she stepped in closer, grabbing Amanda's hand.

"I know." She whispered. "I know that."

"Do you?" Amanda asked, though it wasn't accusatory; only yearning. "What do you know about me?"

"Not enough." Olivia whispered with a shake of her head. "Not as much as I should, and I'm sorry for that."

Amanda shrugged and glanced back into her apartment. She was quiet for a long moment, and Olivia wanted to speak again, to plead with her if she had to; but at last, Amanda glanced back at her, eyes sharp beneath a lingering glaze of tears.

"Maybe you should just come back after work." She said it quietly, but with an edge that threatened to break through the soft exterior. "Tonight."

"O-okay…" Olivia began to answer, stepping closer even as Amanda began to ease the door shut.

She wanted to say more, but then Amanda was whispering a quiet goodbye, and Olivia was staring at the door, closed tight to her touch and desires. She remained in her place, a tremble working its way from the pit of her stomach to her extremities, disturbed by her sudden lack of clarity into Amanda's wants. Amanda had invited her back, but Olivia imagined that it wasn't to explore their lapse in trust or the events of the afternoon, but rather to bury these inconvenient truths beneath much more convenient distractions. What disturbed Olivia even more was the fact that she wasn't sure she would stop the more pleasant preoccupations from happening at all.

**xxxxx**

The evening came to a close with the falling of the sun and the quiet slippage of time that hardly mirrored the excitement of the morning. One by one, the other detectives of the 1-6 passed Olivia's desk, murmuring goodbyes until she was alone, staring at the screen of her laptop until the LED began to burn her retinas. She was no stranger to long nights, those crafted by her own hand to avoid the loneliness of her own four walls, but tonight she wasn't sure what she was avoiding. The apprehension gnawed at her stomach, tugging her first towards anxieties over Amanda being alone, then towards the strained, uncertain state of her relationship to Amanda. The conflicting situations and what part she should play in them kept her rooted at her desk, her heart firmly planted in indecision.

She almost imagined she was alone when she heard the door to Cragen's office open, followed by his footsteps. She sat back in her chair, glancing over as he slowed. Their eyes met across the room, and Olivia quickly looked away. She knew how quickly and decisively he could read her expressions, even when she tried to guard herself.

"Burning the midnight oil." Cragen commented at last.

"Something like that." Olivia replied, shifting forward in an attempt to appear concentrated.

"You know… everything is in order for the day." Cragen added after a moment, his voice closer now as he meandered through the desks.

Olivia sighed heavily and sat back in the chair, abandoning the appearance of work as Cragen came to sit on the edge of the desk.

"Come on, kid, what's up?" He urged, garnering a stilted laugh from Olivia.

"Kid?" She repeated, sarcastically. "It's been awhile since you called me that…. And awhile since I've been one."

Silence lapsed between them for a moment, and Olivia stared down at her lap, scrounging for something to say while the smiles slipped from their faces. The somber mood quickly claimed the air between them, drowning out all hints of humor.

"Look." She said at last, her voice rough. "I don't want to break Amanda's trust anymore, but I'm not sure she's…. In a good place."

She glanced up at Cragen, and his brow furrowed.

"Should I give her some time off?"

"I don't know." Olivia sighed, pushing her chair back as she stood. "I don't know what she wants from me."

She flipped her laptop closed and unhooked her sidearm from her belt as Cragen hesitated to answer. She glanced over at him, and his gaze was questioning, reaching for an answer that she couldn't give. She shifted uncomfortably beneath his gaze, and turned away to place her weapon in the drawer. She hadn't meant for the words to come across so intimately.

"What I mean is… I feel like we've finally made progress as partners, but I'm not sure what to do now… as a partner." She finished the sentence awkwardly, hoping Cragen would not be able to intuit the extent of her discomfort. "I want to be able to support her through a rough time, but when she pushes people away… she pushes hard."

"I'll give her some time off." Cragen replied after a moment, graciously relieving Olivia of scrutiny. "My decision."

"Thanks, Captain, but I think she'll be upset either way." Olivia said, grabbing her keys off the desk and her coat from the chair. "She wants to work through it without admitting she needs help."

"Well, you've been there before." Cragen's voice was gentle enough, but it ground Olivia's movements to a halt.

Cragen hadn't said Elliott's name, but they'd moved past the necessity of names. Elliott's importance in her life and her dedication to him had remained unmatched for twelve years, reducing all other competitors to mere blips in her life. Amanda's name entering the arena, contending for a spot that had been largely unattainable, shook Olivia to her core. Perhaps Cragen hadn't meant for the implications to be so heavy, but in Olivia's mind, she could not help but make more intense comparisons.

Was she truly doomed to make the same mistakes again and again?

"I have to go." She murmured as she began to pull her coat on.

"All right." Cragen replied, standing from the desk. "Be safe, Olivia."

She nodded, flashing him a short smile that barely stabilized on her lips for half of a moment before she turned and strode towards the door. As she entered the elevator, she pulled out her phone to text Amanda, and pressed the button for the first floor. Leaning back against the wall, she clutched the phone in both hands and stared at the blinking cursor as it waited for her command.

_On my way over. _ She typed out the simple, neutral message, hesitated for another moment and then pressed send.

Exhaling deeply, she leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She'd considered not taking Amanda's invitation to return to her apartment, but the cons had weighed too heavily on her. As much as she didn't want to wrap herself up into another passionate, yet ultimately fruitless affair, her desire to be near her, to hold her, to find some way to connect to her, held more magnetism than her anxious misgivings. Amanda had reduced them to one night stand, one she apparently meant to repeat, but Olivia could not stop herself from caring.

_I'll go there… I'll tell her how I feel, how I don't want to repeat my mistakes, how I can't just sleep around with her…_ She told herself as the elevator shifted downwards. _I'll tell her I care about her… _

Her phone chimed, taking her thoughts away from her anxious determinations. Bringing the phone to bear, she gazed down at the screen.

_Not at home._

Olivia frowned at Amanda's text, her heart slowly beating faster as she stared at the three words. A sense of even deeper apprehension swirled in her stomach and she quickly typed out her reply. _Will you be home soon? _She paused before adding a second text. _Do you still want to see me?_

The elevator dinged and shifted to the ground floor, and Olivia slowly left the elevator, her fingers clenched around the phone as she crossed the atrium. As soon as her phone chimed again, she stopped to look at the message, her stomach turning.

_I don't know. _

She swallowed hard as she read the message over and over again, tears pricking her eyes. She bit hard at her lower lip as she replied _You don't know when you'll be home or you don't know if you want to see me? _

The reply was almost immediate: _Either._

Olivia swallowed once more as her hand slid to her side, her phone with it. She stood in the middle of the atrium for a long moment, her heart pounding at a sickening rate in her ears. She'd planned to spurn Amanda's sexual advances tonight, but Amanda's sudden invitation withdrawal left her confused and smarting.

She blinked quickly, swallowing back tears as she lifted her phone once more and typed quickly, _OK. Call if you need anything._

Shoving the phone into her pocket, she strode towards the exit, battling emotion with each and every step.

**xxxxx**

The phone call awoke Olivia suddenly, the ringing having winded itself into a nightmarish dream she was having before she suddenly came to in a cold sweat. She was lying on her back, panting heavily as the dream cleared from her mind, and the vibrating and chiming of the phone filled in the space between the thumps of her heartbeat.

She pushed herself upright in the bed and scraped her hair back from her face before groping for her phone on the side table. Her mind was so muddled by sleep and dreams that she didn't imagine who was calling her until she flipped the phone over and saw Amanda's name on the screen. The haziness of sleep immediately lifted, and she sat up straighter in the bed, her exhales trembling as she stared down at the vibrating device. Finally, she answered the call and pressed the phone to her ear, all her senses straining for the sound of Amanda's voice.

"Benson."

Amanda's heavy, uncertain breathing greeted her, suddenly and immediately fulfilling every anxiety Olivia had had since leaving her that afternoon. She clutched the phone tighter as her mouth went dry and her heart beat quick and shallow in her chest.

"Amanda?"

Amanda didn't answer though her breathing quickened, laced with emotion that Olivia quickly parsed out of the distressed exhales.

"Amanda, are you all right?" Olivia asked softly, although in truth she wanted to demand what was happening and why.

"I…" Amanda whispered, her voice rough. "Mm… not okay…"

Her tone was ragged and slurred, indicating a level of intoxication that Olivia was far too familiar with hearing.

"Okay, it's okay." Olivia whispered, attempting to remain calm as she tossed back the sheets. "Where are you? I'll come get you."

"Jus' need a ride home." Amanda whispered, her defensiveness nearly lost beneath the weight of alcohol.

"I know, and I'll get you there." Olivia whispered. "I promise."

"Didn't know… who else to call…"

"I know…"

Silence crackled through the phone for a moment before Amanda's jagged whimper swelled in Olivia's ear, tearing at her heart.

"I fucked up, Liv…"

"It's okay."

"I was gonna try… Gonna try to stop, b-but…"

Olivia slowed her heart beating faster as she tried to ascertain the meaning of Amanda's words. Her palm felt sweaty against her phone, and she suddenly felt that there were things, many things that she didn't know, things that Amanda had hidden from everyone.

"Stop what?" She whispered huskily.

"God, I…" Amanda groaned, her words tapering off into heavy, panicking breathing. "Please, just… come get me."

"Okay, send me your location." Olivia whispered. "Can you do that?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay."

Amanda slowly quieted until there was nothing but static over the line, and Olivia wondered if she had slipped into a stupor, but then, her voice crackled through the speaker.

"Don't hate me, Liv."

"What? I don't-"

"I don't think I could live with that."

Olivia swallowed hard, her heart fracturing with each fragile beat, and Amanda's quiet pleading words. She knew she shouldn't be swept away in emotions; she shouldn't feel so much when so little was certain, but she didn't feel completely in control of herself even after she'd sworn to be firm and steadfast.

"Just send me the location." She whispered at last, struggling to keep her voice even. "And I'll be there as soon as possible."

"Okay…" Amanda murmured, and then she was gone, the phone dead in Olivia's ear.

She let it slip from her cheek and she stared across the room for a long moment, her thoughts churning. When her phone pinged again, Olivia glanced down at Amanda's location, and she knew immediately that whatever Amanda had gotten herself into, it wasn't good.

Standing from the bed, she grabbed a pair of jeans and pulled them on under the baggy t shirt she was wearing before she turned to her side table. Opening the drawer, she pulled out her personal weapon and slipped the magazine in with a smack of her palm. Flicking the safety on, she tucked the barrel beneath the waistband of her jeans and grabbed her phone.

_I don't hate you_. She began to type to Amanda, staring at the words for a moment before she erased them and wrote instead, _Hang in there. I'm coming_.


	19. Chapter 19

If Olivia took the FDR straight through Harlem, she could be there in 20 minutes.

Twenty minutes.

That was how long it might take for this all to be over.

Crouched against the side of a bodega, a cigarette in one hand and half cold cup of coffee in the other, Amanda gazed at the skyline through blurry eyes. She could almost see Rikers across the East River from her position amidst the low-riding, dreary structures of Mott Haven. She'd heard the Bronx was a crime-ridden, depressing part of New York City, but stories and tales had never really captured how the city seemed like another part of the world, especially to Amanda. This otherworldly place, however, had little to do with the ethereal or supernatural and more to do with the desperate and addicted.

Tapping out her ashes, Amanda took another gulp of the bitter coffee, wincing as it slipped acidicly down her throat. She'd hoped it would sober her up, help her seem less pathetic once Olivia showed up, her face lined with concern and that gut-wrenching pity.

She wasn't proud of her choices, especially since they'd cost her money she didn't really have to begin with, leaving her stranded and wasted on a high that never quite lasted long enough. She'd slipped out of the bodega, drunk and half delirious from the smoke that had filled the underground gambling room. She'd puked somewhere in the alley before collapsing here in tears, used up by allure of chance. It was always these moments where the regret came down upon her, crushing in its intensity.

Eventually, she'd wiped her face, used the last of her change to buy the coffee in her hand before calling Olivia and emotionally imploding once more.

As much as she hated the prospect of explaining this entire situation and the hows and whys of her presence here, Amanda had found the ride home on the subway daunting. She hadn't quite adjusted to the grimy transit of NYC nor the men that seemed to fill every platform, their eyes raking over her, unbridled. The trip here had been uncomfortable enough in the early evening, but now in the small hours of the morning, she surmised that it would be unbearable if not outright dangerous.

_And backroom gambling dens in the middle of the Bronx aren't? _She questioned herself sarcastically, taking another drag of the cigarette.

Lowering her head against her knee, she blew out the smoke, and pressed her eyes shut against the swimming sensation of her body.

She'd sat here for quite some time before making the call to Olivia, trying to search for some other alternative, but she wasn't sober enough to fool herself. She'd _wanted_ to call Olivia. She'd wanted to see her before she'd even taken this reckless trip across the boroughs, but she'd tried to resist. She'd tried to pretend that she'd only wanted Olivia for a night and that one night had been enough, as if she hadn't already imagined their lives intertwining while they had laid intertwined, their legs making maps of her dreams.

_Shattered dreams._

Once Olivia was aware of her illegal activities, Amanda was certain that her slim chances with Olivia would be ground to nothing.

_How long did you really think you could fool her? _

"Hey, there, little lady… just taking a break?" The leering voice was a distraction from her thoughts, though not a pleasant one.

Amanda lifted her head slowly, squinting to focus on the man hovering above her on the sidewalk, his gaze gleefully searching for an affirmative. She glanced down at her clothing, regular jeans and button-up blouse, then back up at the man, disdain curling her lip.

"Do I look like a hooker to you?" She asked, her lips forming sluggishly but angrily around the words.

He stared at her, seemingly offended at her tone as he glanced up and down the sidewalk.

"Dunno." He said at last before digging in his pocket and withdrawing a lighter. "Your smoke went out. Want a light?"

"God, fuck off." Amanda groaned, leaning her throbbing head back against the wall.

"Hey, I'm trying to be nice!" He began to protest as she noticed car lights approaching.

She began to push herself up against the wall, watching hopefully as the Crown Vic rolled closer. Her stomach was turning and she knew she should be more worried about her inebriated state and her position alone on the sidewalk with a man who thought she was a prostitute, but as soon as the possibility of Olivia's presence entered her mind, she could only watch the car on the street.

"Who's this, your pimp?" The man demanded belligerently as the Crown Vic parked next to the curb.

The car door opened and Olivia ducked out, sending relief and dread through Amanda's stomach all at once. She breathed out shakily as their eyes met over the top of the car, and tossed the cigarette to the sidewalk.

Olivia left the car, purposefully striding to the sidewalk with a stony expression. Amanda hoped quietly that the concern she'd recoiled at only minutes ago was hiding somewhere beneath.

"Who's this?" Olivia asked, motioning towards the man as she approached Amanda.

Her eyes bounced critically between Amanda and her would-be solicitor, one arm poised behind her back. Amanda glanced towards the curve of her spine, swallowing hard as she noticed Olivia's fingers curled around the butt of her gun.

_She thinks I'm in trouble… In danger…_

She realized she hadn't answered, but the entire situation felt too surreal and she was still far too intoxicated to process each second as quickly as it happened.

"Get lost." Olivia ordered at last, tossing her head towards the opposite sidewalk.

"Whatever." The man retorted with a scoff, but meanered down the sidewalk, muttering under his breath, something about how she wasn't worth his time.

Amanda breathed out heavily as he disappeared with a strained laugh, "He thought he was about to get lucky… ya know…"

Rigid silence greeted her and she glanced over at Olivia, her joking facade slipping from her face. Olivia was staring at her, her jaw clenched, her arm still poised behind her back.

"What is this?" Olivia asked, her tone firm and demanding. "Tell me right now."

Amanda swallowed hard and took the last sip of her coffee. Crushing the styrofoam cup, she tossed it towards a nearby pile of trash, and stuffed her hands into her pockets.

"I just needed a ride." She whispered, staring at the ground.

"Amanda…" Olivia whispered, suddenly stepping closer and grabbing her by the arms. "You called me in the middle of the night. You were crying a-and drunk, and asking me not to hate you. I thought ..."

Her voice suddenly trailed away, and Amanda glanced up at her, tears pricking her eyes.

"Well, I'm sorry." She replied, her tight throat barely releasing the words. "I shouldn't have."

"No… No, I'm glad you called me." Olivia murmured though her posture remained rigid and defensive.

Amanda glanced away, pursing her lips against further urges to mentally collapse. Olivia was right. She had already done enough for Amanda tonight.

"You can just take me home." Amanda whispered. "You don't have to do anything else."

Olivia's fingers lingered on her arms for a moment before loosening.

"I'm not taking you anywhere until you tell me what this is about." Olivia said at last, her voice quiet but firm. "Why you're here… Why I would hate you…"

Amanda fought harder against tears, staring harder at the horizon. She wanted nothing to do with damaging Olivia's already precarious opinion of her, but she knew from the moment she'd picked up the phone that she would have to. Olivia would not let this go, not tonight nor any day after.

"I'm fine, Olivia. I'm not hurt or anything. I just… Can't we just…?" Her voice fell, sharpening with tears. "Go back to last night?"

Olivia's fingers tightened around her arms, almost imperceptibly, and Amanda glanced back at her, finding her eyes golden and glossy beneath the harsh lights of the bodega behind them.

"I don't think so." She said at last, her mouth tightened against trembling emotion.

"Fuck." Amanda whispered, pulling away from her. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called."

She turned away, clutching her face in her hands as tears throbbed harder at the back of her eyes, begging for release. She hadn't expected the answer to be yes. Nothing was ever that easy with Olivia, but in some fantastical part of Amanda's brain, she'd wished.

"Amanda…" Olivia murmured softly.

Her voice was enticing, so gentle and assuring, and Amanda wanted to turn and fall into her again. It'd barely been a day since they'd wrapped themselves in each other's arms, but Amanda wondered if she'd ever stop wanting to fold herself into Olivia's breast. Would this longing ever leave her chest? Would she always feel as though she were breaking every time they were apart? She was afraid these feelings would never escape her body and even more afraid that Olivia would not remain to sate that need.

She felt Olivia's hands on her hips, squeezing gently and persuasively and a moan rolled up her throat. She clenched her hands over her mouth, muffling the fevered cry before Olivia gathered her even closer. With her arms around Amanda's stomach, she cradled her back against her chest, and pressed her mouth to Amanda's neck in silence. Amanda trembled, her senses drowning in the soft press and curve of Olivia's body against her, so close to what they had had only one night previously. Strangely, her embrace calmed rather than excited the tears in her eyes, and she sank back against Olivia. Her hands slipped from her face to Olivia's forearms, and it was only then she felt the other woman trembling too.

Breathing unevenly, she turned slowly in Olivia's arms, and Olivia loosened her grasp, allowing Amanda to face her. As soon as Amanda's chest was pressed to her own, she pulled her closer again, cradling the back of Amanda's head as she pressed her face into the curve of Amanda's neck. Amanda stared over her shoulder at the dark sky, her hands resting hesitantly on Olivia's shoulders while Olivia clutched her close with enough certainty for both of them.

A long minute passed until at last, Olivia's arms slackened and she slowly straightened. Amanda stared up at her, uncertain of what exactly had happened and what she should do now.

Olivia cleared her throat as her arms slipped completely from Amanda's waist. She glanced towards the car, her brow furrowed.

"I should take you home." She said, though she didn't seem altogether convinced.

"I thought you…" Amanda whispered, tossing a glance back towards the bodega and the backroom gambling hall that was hidden behind it's humble facade.

"You can tell me when you're ready." Olivia said quickly, ducking her head as she headed towards the Crown Vic.

Amanda remained on the sidewalk for a moment, simultaneously confused and relieved. She had expected to face undaunting determination from Olivia, but instead she felt as though she had peeked beneath a sheer, gossamer veil which separated Olivia's resolute demeanor from her quivering fears. The thought warmed her at first, that Olivia opened herself to her, but it also rattled her. She didn't feel so prepared to tend to another heart; she barely felt equipped to care for her own.

She wandered slowly to the passengers' side of the Crown Vic and pulled the door open. Slipping inside, she pulled the door shut, and sank down against the arm rest. She stared out the window, her breathing washing thready mist across the glass as Olivia pulled away from the bodega.

She suddenly felt tears in her eyes again, and she closed her lids, clenching her arms over her stomach. Olivia was quiet, and she couldn't break the silence.

**xxxxx**

Amanda didn't realize that she had drifted away from the conscious world until she felt Olivia's hand on her shoulder and the sound of her voice in her ear.

"Amanda, honey, we're here."

Amanda shifted in the seat with a groan, tilting her head upright. Her neck ached after being bent in an awkward position for the past twenty minutes, and she rubbed at the sore muscle as she straightened.

Her eyes were dry as she blinked them open to see Olivia gazing at her, offering a soft smile.

"Are you all right?" She asked, rubbing Amanda's shoulder.

"Yeah, I just… didn't realize I fell asleep." Amanda whispered roughly, glancing out the window.

She paused as her eyes took in the view of the apartment building beyond - but it wasn't her apartment.

Amanda turned quickly back towards Olivia, whispering, "Where are we?"

"I didn't want you to be alone." Olivia answered quietly, gazing past Amanda at the building. "I thought it might be good for you to spend the night with me."

Amanda gazed at her for a moment, her heart racing. She didn't want to lift her expectations high enough to be crushed, but after the way Olivia had embraced her on the sidewalk and now offered to share her bed tonight, Amanda could not help but imagine how they might find themselves comforting each other again.

"Okay." She whispered at last, complying in a manner that she hoped didn't seem so desperate, so riddled with need.

Olivia nodded in affirmation before she unbuckled her seatbelt and pushed the door open. For a moment, Amanda listened to her heavy exhales in the solitude of the car before she slowly groped for the car door handle. Following Olivia out of the car, she watched the older woman's posture as she trailed after her towards the apartment building, but she could scarcely read her expression.

The ensuing trek upwards to Olivia's apartment left Amanda restless and desperate for even a glance behind Olivia's stoic facade once more. The yearning had hardly begun to leave after the moment of desperation on the sidewalk; instead, it seemed to have increased and burgeoned, swelling to a throbbing insistence in her mind. She almost wanted to pull Olivia around and confess. She'd begin by saying that she'd made a mistake and that she had made mistakes often, and then she would hope that Olivia loved her anyway without the conditions that their profession demanded.

Amanda's throat felt tight as they reached Olivia's door and Olivia began to unlock the apartment. Amanda chewed on her lower lip, battling each painful urge to cry out her deepest desires and emotions. As Olivia opened the door, Amanda scrubbed the sleeve of her shirt quickly over her eyes and followed her inside.

"I've got some extra pajamas if you'd like." Olivia said as she led Amanda towards the bedroom. "I don't have another toothbrush though."

"It's okay." Amanda barely managed to whisper as Olivia opened the bedroom door and turned on the lights.

Amanda stepped into the room, standing next to Olivia as she took in the small, simple room, the bedsheets dotted in small flowers, the pillows and shams with their frilly borders. She clenched her jaw as tears roared to life in her eyes, and she felt Olivia's hand bump against her own. She couldn't look over at her as Olivia took her hand, and squeezed it for a moment.

"Is it all right?" Olivia whispered, and Amanda clenched her eyes shut while her fingers trembled around Olivia's.

_More than okay._ She wanted to reply, but instead she nodded, unable to speak.

"Amanda…" Olivia's voice was imploring. "Please, tell me you're all right."

Amanda glanced over at her as a tear slipped from her eye. She tried to meet Olivia's gaze directly with reassurance, but when she looked into Olivia's expression, she saw more than concern, more than duty or friendship could offer.

She moved before she could think, pulling Olivia closer as she tilted her chin up to close the space between them. Their mouths joined, their lips pressed against one anothers for a long moment as they stood still as if in a trance. With each fleeting second, Amanda tried to glean every ounce of warmth and pleasure that she could before she imagined this moment might be broken, but at last, Olivia's fingers tightened around her own, and she turned, pressing Amanda against the door behind them. The door shifted shut beneath her weight, jarring a breath from her lips as Olivia clutched her hip and slanted their mouths into a deeper kiss.

Pleasure and fluttering excitement burst through Amanda's veins, followed by a deeper ache that informed her this moment would be far different than last night when they blindly followed their desires with the sole intent of passion. Her words on her doorstep only hours ago - _it was only one night - _haunted her with painful regret, and she curled her fingers over the back of Olivia's neck, clutching her closer.

Olivia moaned quietly in return, her tongue dipping deeper while her grasp on Amanda's hip shifted and tightened beneath her buttock. Amanda dragged her palm over Olivia's side, squeezing her warm flesh through the thin layer of her t-shirt until she reached her breast. Olivia's mouth broke from Amanda's lips as Amanda massaged her breast, stroking her nipple to hardness against the cotton. Olivia pressed her forehead against Amanda's, breathing heavily in the silence. Her eyes were squeezed shut, and Amanda prayed that she wouldn't pull away.

Tugging her closer, she pressed her mouth to Olivia's neck and kissed the thrumming of her pulse. She felt Olivia tremble against her, and she squeezed her breast one more time before dipping her hand lower, groping for the edge of her t-shirt. She could feel Olivia's hesitation even as she quivered in pleasure, and Amanda felt as though she were rushing to close up a crack in a dam before it all collapsed.

Gathering the hem of Olivia's shirt where it fell at her hip, Amanda slipped her hand beneath, encountering warm, reactive skin, and then suddenly, the cold butt of the gun where it was still tucked beneath the waistband of Olivia's jeans. She paused, her hand faltering as she immediately recalled the look of distress on Olivia's face. Olivia's lids fluttered open as Amanda's touches trailed into nothing. Their eyes met, and they stared at each other for a long moment, each breathing unevenly.

Finally, Amanda wrapped her fingers around the weapon, dislodging it from its place behind Olivia's back. Holding it in her hands between them, she gazed down at the gun, her throat aching.

"I thought you were…" Olivia began to whisper, shaking her head.

"It's better to be over-prepared than under-prepared, right?" Amanda whispered, blinking away another bout of vicious tears as she attempted a jab at levity.

Olivia was quiet as she wrapped her fingers around the gun, taking it slowly from Amanda's palm. She eased away from Amanda as she released the magazine and ejected the round from the barrel. Amanda watched her, swallowing hard as she realized how prepared Olivia had been to defend her. As it turned out, Amanda hadn't needed protection from a violent perpetrator - only from herself.

"Liv, I…" Amanda pushed away from the door, her voice catching as Olivia placed the gun in the side table drawer and closed it firmly. "I'm sorry. You deserve to know what happened. I pulled you into this. I-"

"Don't." Olivia whispered quietly, her shoulders taut as she turned to face Amanda once more. "Not tonight."

Amanda stared back at her, silenced by Olivia's sudden and willful ignorance. Olivia met her gaze, her expression both pleading and determined.

"I thought you wanted to know." Amanda whispered at last.

Olivia glanced downwards, and Amanda could see the way her shoulders coiled and her jaw clenched with emotion, until at last she lifted her chin with trembling determination.

"Tomorrow." Olivia whispered, her voice husky. "Tonight, I want…."

Her words tapered into uneven breaths, and they gazed at each other for another moment in which Amanda thought she might've misconstrued this entire night for her own benefit, but Olivia's expression never changed, nor did the meaning of her words.

Taking a dubious step forward, Amanda hesitantly crossed the room until they were face to face again, their exhales ripe and heavy between their lips. Amanda took in each curve of her cheeks and jaw, every hair on her brow and temple, every lash and nuance of her dark eyes, and she trembled with desire. There wasn't a single part of Olivia's body that lied in it's want of her.

Quaking with the intensity of Olivia's magnetism, Amanda surrendered the pull of desire despite the groaning of her conscience and pressed into her, claiming Olivia's lips once more. Olivia sank into her, immediately deepening the kiss as she clasped her hands over Amanda's and guided them to her hips. Amanda moaned, urging Olivia back towards the bed as the sound of her desire rose like a roaring tide in her ears, drowning out all thoughts of taking the higher ground. Olivia wanted to bury their doubts and fears beneath the sheets, beneath kisses and pleasure, and the lingering cover of the night, and although she knew that she owed Olivia the truth, Amanda could not bring herself to stop any of it.

_Tomorrow… _She thought vaguely as they collapsed to the mattress, once more in a tangle of limbs and dreams. _I'll tell her… tomorrow. _


	20. Chapter 20

The apartment had grown quiet. Their heavy breathing calmed; shivers smoothed out; perspiration dried upon flesh. Olivia's mind, however, would not quiet; could not quiet.

Amanda laid halfway on her stomach, her leg arched over Olivia's. Her hand was slumped between Olivia's thighs where it had previously wrought intense and desperate pleasure. She'd fallen asleep soon after the final orgasm, seemingly unable to battle the exhaustion written into her heavy lids. Olivia had let her drift away without argument while she stared up at the ceiling or beyond the window to the skyline beyond.

She thought again that she might've made a mistake in allowing herself to fall so easily to Amanda's arms once more. She'd exchanged the truth for pleasure; for a few precious hours of distraction. She had meant for this night to be one of honest discussion, but the ensuing events of Hughes' escape and Amanda's secretive trip to the Bronx had stripped bare her determination. Now, Amanda's hooks were deep in her flesh. Removing them would cause more injury than she was sure she could take.

Olivia glanced down at Amanda's peaceful face, ignoring the urge to gently touch her face or kiss her once more. Instead, she slowly shifted her shoulder and leg out from under Amanda's limp body. Rolling onto her opposite side, she curled her legs up against her stomach and stared at the wall for a moment before she forced her eyes shut.

It had only been one night since she'd wavered between the familiarity of her past relationship with Elliot and a terrifying venture into the unknown with Amanda. Could she be overinflating her emotions; finding things that weren't there in order to feel something other than heartache? Was this all simply all a rebound; a distraction from the painful break with Elliot? Even after all the ways he'd hurt her, she could not deny loving him or at least, the memory of what had been. Was she channelling everything she couldn't give to him into Amanda?

What scared her most of all was that she didn't know the answers to those burning questions.

She'd first imagined that a one-night stand with Amanda that would give them both what they wanted would be safer than returning to Elliot. Now, she felt that she had stepped into a more dangerous arena of romantic entanglement. Where once she had been enthralled by Elliot's loyalty and steadfast protection of her, she now felt enamored of Amanda's devotion and enduring determination. What she'd had with Elliot had grown out of years of having no other choice but to rely on each other. Whatever mutated between her and Amanda now had been born of much less forgiving circumstances and the slim chances that they would ever even meet, much less fall in love.

Falling in love with someone over twelve years seemed feasible and even expected. Falling in love in one day was a childish daydream - or a feat of Fate and God. Olivia supposed that categorization all depended upon perspective and convictions. She'd never quite settled on a belief, always caught between practicality and the desperate need to find some respite from the senseless uncertainty of the world. Where love fell in the spectrum was even harder to answer.

She could ignore God forever, but not love.

In the dark, she breathed a trembling breath into the dark as she listened to her heart beat. For a stretch of time that felt long and unending, she listened to the sounds of the city beyond, hoping that they would drown out the anxious racing of her blood in her ears.

When she felt Amanda shift behind her, her eyes flickered open. She felt her warm fingers slipping over her back, then lower to her hip. Another breath left her lips as Amanda's fingers squeezed her hip and slid closer to her. Her breasts and tummy pressed flush against Oliva's back while her thighs aligned with Olivia's, hips grinding against her buttocks.

"'Manda…" Olivia whispered, her voice husky in the quiet as Amanda's warm exhale spread over her neck as prequel to her kiss.

"I thought you might be gone…" Amanda mumbled, sleep still clinging to her voice as her arm wound around Olivia's waist, holding her closer.

Olivia pressed her eyes shut as her heart and body yearned for a second surrender within the night. She clutched Amanda's arm, but her sense of direction was lost as Amanda's palm spread down her stomach, dipping into the cradle of her thighs. The pleasure came slower this time, drawn out into a slow burn unlike hours earlier when they'd torn each other's clothes away in a desperate bid for distraction and release. She had time to protest, to think of something other than the feeling of Amanda's fingers seeking between her legs, but the required force of will never materialized in her mind.

She sank back against Amanda, shifting her legs apart as Amanda's mouth claimed her neck. She could feel the bruise forming beneath Amanda's lips and teeth as Amanda's fingers slipping to the core of her being. Desire was already growing sticky and hot within her, and the lingering tenderness of her flesh from the deep, aching touch of Amanda's fingers hours before heightened the present sensitivity. She groaned as she felt Amanda's fingers skim her clitoris before dipping into swollen labia, swirling though growing wetness. She grabbed the pillow, her fingers biting into cotton as she pressed her face into the material in an attempt to muffle the whimpered sounds of pleasure growing in her throat.

"God…" Amanda's mouth broke from her neck, her voice marked with both desire and torment.

They both felt the strain and uncertainty they'd tried so hard to chase away, but Olivia could not turn and resist, and seemingly, neither could Amanda.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut, her breath coming in short, hard bursts as Amanda's fingers circled below, driving the pleasure to increasingly unbearable heights. With a trembling grasp, she grabbed onto Amanda's arm, while her hips squirmed. Her thighs tightened around Amanda's hand, temporarily halting the temptation of further blissful ignorance.

Amanda released a low groan, and pressed her perspiring forehead against Olivia's neck. Her hand quivered between Olivia's thighs, and Olivia could feel them both clinging to the concept of better judgment, but again, the moment crumbled. Spreading her hand up Olivia's thigh, Amanda stretched her thighs open with enough force to jar a gasp from Olivia's throat.

In moments, Amanda had thrown the sheet back from their bodies and sank down between Olivia's legs, breathing heavily.

"God, I…" She rasped as she smeared kisses against Olivia's thigh. "I can't… I can't stop touching you…"

Her voice was strangled with pleasure, but notes of something deeper and much less erotic clung to the undertones. Whatever she'd refused to tell Olivia hovered just beneath every single touch and every single word, but the pull of desire held just enough magnetism to mask the bitter hints of doubt and regret. Their night that had been meant to be only one had bled into another and soon, Olivia sensed, another. The morning was nearly upon them and they'd scarcely begun to pull themselves away and into more respectable positions; rather, they'd fallen once more to the allure and respite of a pleasure that neither of them could deny.

Reaching down, Olivia grasped Amanda's hair with a trembling hand as Amanda's fingers dipped between her legs, piercing her easily upon the abundance of her pleasure. Her thighs seized but she dug her heels into the mattress and her head into the pillow, moaning as Amanda's fingers rocked into her, once then twice before slipping out to massage her quivering entrance. She sank down against the mattress, panting erratically as Amanda swirled her fingers through her wetness, whispering her awe, before plunging inside again.

"Nnngghhh…" Olivia's groaned sharply, her teeth colliding as Amanda's fingers worked into with a suave twist of her wrist.

She endured the ensuing pumps of Amanda's fingers, clinging to the hope that she could ride her hand to the very end, but Amanda's touch slipped away once more. Olivia's fingers were clumsily twisted in Amanda's hair, but she could barely wrench her closer as she so desperately desired. Instead, she lay panting and sweating against the sheets, her legs splayed open as Amanda's fingers tortured her clit and labia once more before sinking into her tender body for a third time.

"Amanda!" She cried out weakly as her hips arched up in a plea.

"You're so...so beautiful." She heard Amanda utter the choked whisper below her, and sharp pin pricks jabbed as the back of her tightly closed lids.

Clenching her jaw, she fought over each conflicting emotion. Tightening her fingers around Amanda's hair, she dragged her closer at last. Amanda's mouth pressed against her clit, her lips warm and soft before opening with hot pressure. Her fingers slipped away as she sank fully between Olivia's legs and grabbed her hips with both hands.

"God...yes…" She groaned as Amanda's enclosed her throbbing pussy with the assurance of fulfillment.

Pushing off all thoughts of morning, she arched her legs over Amanda's shoulders, tilted her head back against the pillow, and rode each wave of pleasure until she could feel naught but the rage of climax shattering her whole body, over and over again. She knew it could not last forever, but it could at least last until morning.

**xxxxxxx**

In the dark, almost anything could happen. The cover of night held a disguise that the morning light too easily chased away. As the sun rose, so came reality.

Amanda awoke, lying on her stomach, one arm draped over the edge, half numb. At first, she didn't move, only opening her eyes to squint as the unfamiliar surroundings of Olivia's apartment.

She'd fallen asleep where Olivia's had positioned after she'd gone down on her in the middle of the night. The mystery and intrigue of nighttime had been fading even then. She'd felt Olivia's uncertainty even as Olivia pushed her head between her legs; and she'd felt it even more when Olivia had urged her into her stomach with barely a kiss. The burgeoning dread hadn't stopped her from begging for Olivia's unfettered passion, however.

Her limbs felt weak even now, but more than that she didn't wish for the strength to rise. She didn't feel Olivia next to her.

She let her eyes flutter closed, listening for any sound beyond. She was relieved when she heard movement from what she guessed was the kitchen due to the clink of dishware and cabinets. Her eyes opened again and she gazed at the window with it's taupe curtains and the dresser with it's assorted candles and scattered jewelry.

It all felt too good to be true. What was worse was that she knew it was.

She rolled slowly onto her back and cradled her tingling arm against her chest. The feeling returned to the nerve endings while she stared up at the ceiling and gathered her strength.

Finally, she told herself that she was only postponing the inevitable and tossed back the sheets. Sitting up, she glanced around for her clothes and scraped her hair back from her face. She spotted her pants near the end of the bed and stood up to grab them. She followed the trail around to the other side of the bed, slowly erasing the evidence of the previous night.

Once she was dressed, she hesitantly opened the bedroom door and peaked out. The apartment was quiet and Amanda slipped out into the hall, searching for Olivia's location. As she reached the entryway, she found Olivia standing at the kitchen counter, coffee cup in one hand, cell phone in the other. Her hair was half dried from showering, leaving her waves soft and natural around her jaw and neck.

Amanda hesitated to speak, valuing the last few moments of domestic bliss, or as close to domestic bliss as they'd ever come.

"Hey." She said at last, nervously stuffing her hands into her pockets as she took another step into the kitchen.

Olivia glanced up at her with a short smile that barely covered the exhaustion that hid in the shadow of her eyes and the tightness of her shoulders. Amanda wondered if she'd slept at all, and felt a sting of guilt.

"Hi." Olivia replied quietly, taking another sip of her coffee as she tapped out the rest of her text.

Amanda watched her send the message before setting the phone down and turning towards her.

"You want some coffee?" Olivia asked, motioning towards the pot. "I usually don't make it here but I…"

"Didn't trust me here by myself?" Amanda finished her sentence with a half hearted joking inflection.

Olivia frowned, setting the coffee cup down on the counter.

"I said we'd talk and we didn't." She said firmly though she barely met Amanda's eyes. "That's my fault."

"Mmmm..." Amanda hummed a contradictory tone as she stepped closer to Olivia. "That was before I had complete mental breakdown and-"

She stopped as Olivia met her gaze. She could see the expectancy resting within the clear, pointed glance. She was waiting for the truth, the confession that Amanda should've given her last night.

Amanda bit her lip, dropping her eyes towards the counter, focusing on Olivia's fingers wrapped around the handle of the mug with too much pressure. She'd promised herself she would tell Olivia about last night, but it seemed so much more difficult when she was standing in Olivia's kitchen like she almost nearly belonged there, having just come from her bed where she could possibly, just maybe spend every evening in the future.

"I said you could tell me when you're ready, but I have to tell you, Amanda…" Olivia began, her voice hushed. "I can't do this if you're not truthful with me."

Amanda swallowed hard, nodding quickly. " I know, I know."

She pressed her fingers to her eyes, fighting hard not to cry so easily; but she knew what was at stake and it was so much more than she'd had to live for in a long, long time.

"I can't…. _We_ can't have any other conversations about this until I know what happened last night." Olivia continued, an edge entering her voice that threatened Amanda's fears even further.

She glanced up at Olivia quickly, despite knowing tears still clung to her lashes.

"So…" She whispered, her voice trembling. "We can't… Anymore?"

Olivia met her gaze, her eyes glossy, but her expression firm.

"No." She whispered roughly.

Amanda stared at her, fighting back new waves of tears. Finally, she glanced away.

"Okay."

Silence fell over them for a long moment before Amanda turned away, wiping her hands over her cheeks.

"Can I use your shower?" She asked, her voice still holding a tremble.

"Of course… There's towels in the hall closet."

"Thanks." Amanda muttered before she escaped into the hallway, forgetting the towel as she rushed into the bathroom.

She barely managed to hold the pieces of herself together as she struggled out of her clothes and wrenched the water on. It was nearly too hot but she stepped beneath the spray, and let the pounding of the water drown out her tears.

She already felt that she was losing. Olivia had abandoned her better judgement last night, but she'd regained her unflinching moral duty far more easily than Amanda had wished for. Once she told Olivia the truth, she was certain that Olivia would invoke her stringent beliefs with even more ferverence than before. Even now Olivia denied her, but telling her would be so much more painful. Her regrets grew suddenly and unbearably, ranging from wishing she had never called Olivia last night to never moving to New York to begin with.

By the time she left the shower, her brain was muddled, and she could only focus on the fact that if she lost Olivia, the only thing worth her time in NYC, that she would simply have to return to Atlanta with her tail between her legs. She couldn't possibly be a platonic figure in Olivia's life nor could she hide her secret from Olivia if she stayed and she thought she might rather die than admit to the reason she'd been in the Bronx last night.

She dressed and tied back her wet hair, her movements numb. When she left the bathroom, she found Olivia dressed, makeup painted over the darkness under her eyes. She was slowly pacing by the couch in the living room, checking her phone as Amanda approached. She glanced up, hesitating on Amanda's misty-eyed expression for a moment.

"I'm sorry to rush you." She said at last. "But I'd really like not to be late."

"It's okay." Amanda replied quietly. "I'm ready."

Olivia gazed at her for another second as though she expected Amanda's facade of bravery to collapse at any second. When it didn't, she nodded in agreement and strode towards the door. Amanda followed slowly after her, stepping aside in the hall to allow Olivia to lock the door behind them.

After securing the deadbolt, Olivia glanced up at her once more, her brow furrowed. She seemed to want to say something, and for a moment, Amanda almost wished she would; but then, she turned and headed towards the elevator.

They boarded together, standing back against the wall side by side as the carriage shifted downwards. Amanda closed her eyes, her stomach turning with the motions. She reached back for the railing and her fingers closed around metal and flesh. She glanced down, her heart rushing shallowly in her chest as she stared at her hand where it met Olivia's on top of the railing. She knew she should move, but for a long moment she couldn't, overwhelmed by the sudden desire to spill everything right in the middle of the elevator. She almost felt that if they'd been back up in the apartment, she would have, but she knew better. She felt the protection of this inopportune moment in a public elevator that was mere seconds away from destroying their privacy. Imagining she would tell the truth and that Olivia would listen was a fantasy, curated in the safety of impossibility.

She began to take her hand away, prepared to leave it at an accidental touch, but she felt Olivia grab her fingers. Amanda glanced over at her, shocked by the bold decision that seemed to conflict with everything Olivia had said, but Olivia barely met her eye.

When the elevator opened, Olivia squeezed her hand and released it before leaving ahead of her. Amanda slowly followed her, flexing her hand at her side as she tried to maintain the feeling of Olivia's hand in hers.

She was so distracted by their brief touch as they exited the building that she didn't notice Olivia had stopped just outside the doors until she nearly collided into her back.

She blinked back into reality as she noticed the small, blonde woman a few yards away from them. Standing next to her idling car, she wore a strained expression while she clenched her arms tightly across her stomach.

"Hello, Olivia." The woman said, her gaze remaining sharply on Olivia for a moment before flicking towards Amanda.

For reasons that Amanda couldn't pin down, she felt judgment from the simmering grey blue eyes, and she glanced over at Olivia.

"Liv, who-" She began, ready to demand who this woman was and why she was stalking Olivia outside of her apartment, but Olivia stopped her.

"It's okay, Amanda." She murmured, holding up her hand to halt Amanda's interrogation.

Despite her reassurance, Olivia's composed expression was held precariously in place, paper machéd together by force of will. She lifted her chin and met the woman's gaze as she stepped forwards to greet her.

"Hello, Kathy."


	21. Chapter 21

Seeing Kathy Stabler again was like a cold bucket of ice water crashing over her skull, the back of her neck, and the rest of her body, cascading in chilling waves all the way to her feet. After Elliott's call two nights ago and his admittance that his marriage was failing once more, Olivia could not imagine Kathy's reasons for being here were anything but damning. Amanda's hovering presence compressed the taut interaction into an even tighter, claustrophobic space; a cage that Olivia wanted to escape but knew that she had to face.

"Hello, Kathy." She greeted her, hearing the strangled notes of dread in her voice despite her best efforts to remain calm.

Kathy remained next to the car for a moment, her jaw trembling, blue eyes set with glittering determination and piercing anger.

In some ways, Kathy had always known that her husband wasn't entirely faithful, but Olivia had hoped that she could save both herself and Kathy the pain of admitting it to each other's face. It seemed that wish would go unfulfilled as so many of her wishes regarding Elliot had.

Stepping slowly closer, Olivia left Amanda on the opposite side of the sidewalk as she crossed to Kathy's side. When she reached her, she felt ill with how small and fragile Kathy appeared, and she knew it was her own guilt that made her feel nauseous at the sight.

"What are you doing here, Kathy?" Olivia asked quietly, praying Amanda would remain outside of earshot of the conversation.

Kathy stared up at her, her brow furrowed against tears as she unfolded her arms and held out the 8x10 manila envelope she'd tucked at her side.

"What's this?" Olivia whispered, reaching numbly for the envelope.

"Proof." Kathy whispered, tears glimmering in her eyes.

Olivia swallowed hard, feeling a tremble ripple through her hands, shaking the envelope like a leaf. She blinked hard, folding back the lip of the envelope. She reached inside, feeling sleek, glossy photo paper. She didn't need to open it any further to know what was inside, but she felt that she had to, as some sort of penance to the woman standing in front of her. This was Kathy's moment of emancipation, and she couldn't take this small satisfaction from her.

The photos spilled out into her palm, capturing moments of intent, moments of passion, moments of undeniable adultery. Dread raged at the back of her throat, but she strove not to let it fill her eyes.

"I'm filing for divorce and this time he won't be able to fight me on it." Kathy whispered, her voice raw.

Olivia swallowed hard, pressing her eyes shut for a moment as she slid the photos back into the enveloped. Folding it closed, she forced her eyes open once more.

"Why are you showing me this?" She asked, her voice gouged through with emotion.

"Because." Kathy said, her tone sharpening to a dangerous point. "You wanted to be a part of my marriage. And now you'll be a part of my divorce."

Olivia stared at her, struck breathless and wordless as Kathy snatched the envelope from her hand and turned back towards the car. She watched Kathy, her heart pounding too fast to contemplate while her mind seemed to move in slow motion, processing each movement two seconds too late. Finally, she broke from her numb, frozen position on the sidewalk, grabbing at the door of Kathy's door as she climbed in.

"Kathy, wait." She whispered, dropping down next to Kathy. "Kathy, what can I do?"

Kathy stared ahead, her jaw clenched, her hands trembling around the steering wheel for a long moment.

"Kathy…" Olivia whispered, her throat tight. "El, he… he loves you, he just…"

Kathy's gaze whipped in her direction, cutting Olivia to the core. "Don't you fucking dare. You do not get to dictate anything else about me and Elliot. You want to do something? Get out of our lives. And stay out."

"I understand." Olivia whispered, her heart twisting painfully in her chest.

"Do you?" Kathy demanded. "He denies the affair and then runs behind my back to sleep with you while we have an _infant_ at home. You understand nothing. Now, get out of my way."

Olivia hesitated for another moment, desperate to do anything if it would somehow change the events that had led them here. The explanation that she and Elliot hadn't slept together in many months nearly spilled from her lips, but she knew it was selfish and useless. It would do nothing to erase what had already been done.

Rising slowly, she stepped back, allowing Kathy to yank the door forcefully shut. In moments, the car was swerving away from the curb and disappearing down the street, leaving Olivia swaying numbly on the sidewalk.

Her head felt like it was inside an airless vacuum as she turned slowly away from the curb. Her gaze met Amanda's across the three yards that separated them, searing humiliation deeper into her body. Her self-righteous attitude only minutes earlier in the kitchen played through her mind like a mockery, and she suddenly couldn't imagine showing her face to Amanda for another moment.

"I'm sorry." She said suddenly, her voice sounding far away in her ears.

"Liv…" Amanda whispered, her expression marked with concern that made Olivia's stomach turn.

"Here." She whispered, tossing the keys to the Crown Vic to Amanda. "You should go."

"What?" Amanda demanded, her face twisted with confusion as she caught the keys with both hands.

"I have something I need to do."

Amanda stared at her for a long moment as understanding slowly began to wind through her gaze.

"You're going to him, aren't you?" She whispered, her tone sharp with accusation and betrayal.

"I have to tell him to end this." Oliva said, tears hovering in her voice, silently pleading for Amanda to understand.

Amanda's mouth tightened, her nostrils flaring as she glanced away. Her leg was bouncing with pent up emotions that Olivia knew she couldn't begin to deal with.

"I don't believe you." Amanda said suddenly, meeting Olivia's gaze sharply.

"What…?"

"She's divorcing him. It doesn't matter anymore. His marriage…. Me." Amanda's statement ended with a barely discernible tremble.

"Amanda." Olivia whispered, ducking her head as she rubbed her fingers over her aching forehead. "I can't do this right now. I really can't."

"No… that's fine. You know, it's fine." Amanda replied, her tone belying anything but reassurance as she strode towards the Crown Vic. "I get it. This was a fucking mistake."

"Amanda…" Olivia attempted to call after her, but she felt weak and spread thin, pulled in too many directions that wanted a part of her.

All she could do was stand helplessly on the sidewalk and watch for the second time as a woman drove away with a piece of herself that she might never get back.

**xxxxxx**

The duplex was half brick, half pale green siding that still wore a layer of grime from last winter.

The grass and weeds were high enough to tickle Olivia's calves as she cut across the yard from the driveway to the front door. She dismally wondered how inept and cheap the landlord was as she picked her way over lumpy spots and dips in the grass until she reached the cracked cement doorstep. There was a dying plant in a pot outside the screen door, and Olivia could only imagine how long it had been sitting there before Elliot had moved in a few days prior.

Beyond the screen, she could see that the front door was open, allowing her to peer through tattered mesh into the living room. She cupped her hand over her eyes as she glanced inside while knocking. The metal rattled beneath her fist, clattering dismally against the frame.

"El?" She called out before glancing back at the street.

She'd felt guilty and presumptuous contacting Kathleen, but of all of Elliot's children, she'd expected discretion the most from Kathleen, even if it were grudging. She'd taken a gamble, however, unsure if the kids were aware of all the underlying issues between their parents. When she'd texted Kathleen, she'd risked it getting back to Kathy and making everything worse, but when Kathleen had answered, she'd only said, "_make sure he doesn't do anything stupid ok hes really dumb sometimes" _after providing Olivia with the address.

Standing on the crumbling doorstep, Olivia knew that he'd already done something stupid. They both had.

"El?" She called out once more, knocking on the screen door with more force. "It's Liv."

Silence greeted her for a moment and she almost considered calling him, but then from within the confines of the house, she heard his footsteps. Her stomach turned over, her heart beginning to pound shallowly in her chest as she listened to the footfalls grow more distinct. Through the screen, she saw his figure fill out the doorway of the living room. She couldn't see his face yet, but just his presence made her throat ache and her eyes burn.

She lifted a hand slowly in greeting through the screen.

He hesitated for another moment before drawing closer. As he reached the door, the sun stretched across his expression, illuminating the dark circles under his eyes, and the crease of his forehead.

"Hi." She whispered, barely able to hold her voice steady as they stared at each other through the screen. "Can I come in…?"

He nodded slowly, reaching out to unlatch the door. He pushed the door open with one hand, allowing her to step inside. As the door creaked closed behind her, she wandered into the middle of the living room, glancing around at the brown carpet, second hand furniture, and fake wood panelling.

"Wow." She commented roughly. "You're really living in the lap of luxury here."

"I guess this is what a retiree of New York's best can afford." He replied, his tone matching her sarcasm, the banter they'd carried on so well; this time, however, it didn't feel so natural or easy.

The exchange lapsed as Olivia turned to take in his appearance - a five o' clock shadow, sweatpants, and wife beater tank top to match. The beer bottle hanging between his fingers further completed the picture, and it was one that Olivia had dreaded since his phone call two nights ago. She'd made the choice to think of herself that night, a decision that she was desperately trying to cling to.

"What are you doing here, Liv?" He asked quietly as he stood stiffly by the front door.

"Kathy came by." She forced out the words, telling herself that it was better to tell things as they were. Sugar coating had never gotten them far.

Elliot's expression shifted, flickering with concern through the cracks of his rough facade. "Why?"

"You've gotta settle this with her, El." Olivia implored. "For everyone's sake."

"What did she tell you?" Elliot demanded, stepping away from the door.

He set his beer bottle down on the side table next to the recliner, stepping suddenly closer to her than she'd been prepared for. At this distance she could smell the familiar scent of his cologne and aftershave, the residue of a lingering sense memory that she'd tried to eradicate.

She swallowed hard, struggling to meet his gaze.

"She hired someone." She whispered at last. "A private investigator probably to prove that you and I… had an affair."

Elliot's brow furled tighter, her jaw grinding. He glanced away from her, but didn't move.

"You can't contest this, Elliot." Olivia whispered. "If she can prove infidelity it won't matter what you want."

"I know that, Liv." Elliot replied sharply. "I know how divorce court works."

He turned away from her suddenly, grinding his fingers over the back of his neck. His shoulders and back rippled with tension and distress, winding up Olivia's desire to reach out and touch him soothingly. He'd always calmed under her fingers, but it was more than she should've been willing to sacrifice of herself - then and now.

"She says you won't admit to it." She murmured instead, glancing down at her hands as they twisted in front of her. "I guess that hasn't changed…. But it's going to cost you this time, Elliot."

"What do you want me to do?" Elliot demanded, spinning around. "Walk in there and say yeah… all those years I… I wasn't a father o-or a husband? That I…-" His voice failed suddenly, his words falling away like a landslide as he sank into the recliner, his head clutched in his hands.

Olivia pressed her lips together, holding back the tide of emotion that filled her own throat in commiseration and shared shame. She tilted her head back, blinking away tears as quickly as they came.

"Yes." She whispered, huskily at last. "You need to admit it to her. If not, she's going to take everything from you, and neither of you deserve this, El."

Breaking away from her position in the middle of the room, she grabbed Elliot's face, pulling his forehead from his grip as she tilted his chin upwards.

"Listen to me." She whispered through tears. "You're better than this. I know you are. Even if you o-or Kathy don't believe it."

"Liv…." He whispered, his eyes misted over as she grabbed her hips, pulling her suddenly closer.

He crushed his face into her stomach, holding her so tightly that she thought she might break away into pieces in his grasp. She pressed her eyes shut over hot tears as she cradled his head, rubbing the short bristles of his hair.

She knew the danger that this intimacy held, but as the embrace lengthened, she felt further and further away from the temptation that she'd felt when he'd first opened the door. They didn't feel unfinished anymore. This felt final, and it was the first time that she could ever remember feeling peace at that prospect. The violence of the last interaction has been a sort of resistance, but she didn't feel hatred anymore. This hug was a goodbye, and she knew that once she walked out this door, it would truly be over.

Bending down, she pressed her lips to the top of his head, and his arms tightened around her. Tilting his head back, he met her gaze, her eyes deep with desperation. Rising from the chair, he pressed into her, kissing her suddenly with his hand clasped to her neck. Her pulse was beneath his thumb, but she didn't feel it race as it once had when he kissed her or held her. The pace of her blood didn't match his, and although she let him kiss her, she knew that he felt it.

He drew back slowly, his expression registering understanding and heartbreak all at once. His gaze tracked down her face to the clasp of his hand over her neck. The dark, purpling bruise from Amanda's mouth adorned her throat just below the curve of his fingers, an undeniable testament to the presence of someone else in her bed. He exhaled sharply, his thumb dragging over the bruise.

"Who is he?"

Olivia reached up, taking his hand from her neck. "I'm not going to tell you that."

Silence radiated between them for a long moment as she held his hand between them. It was the most comfort she could give him.

"Go to Kathy." She whispered at last, meeting his dazed gaze. "Tell her everything. It's what's right, El. She won't use those pictures against you if you just tell her the truth."

"How do you know that?"

"Because…. She's a mother. A wife. A woman."

Elliot nodded slowly, sinking back down into the chair behind him. His gaze held defeat, but Olivia sensed within the grey blue depths of his eyes the acceptance that she had felt moments ago. Seeing it resting there so prominently assured her that she could leave him here and that life would go on. She wouldn't collapse, and neither would he.

Stepping away from him, she walked slowly towards the doorway. Sliding her hand into her pocket, she felt his badge resting within. She'd carried it with her every day since he'd given it to her as a memento of their love. In retrospect, it hadn't only been a memento, but also a chain tethering her to a past that she could not reconcile or release.

Taking it from her pocket, she placed it on the side table next to the beer bottle. The gold gleamed in the low lighting on the soft edges that she'd worn down with her fingers. Her prints were indelibly ingrained into the shield, but she knew that keeping it any longer could only do more damage to both their hearts.

"Goodbye, Elliot." She said softly before she turned and shoved the door open.

She broke out of the house, trembling with relief, but it wasn't until she was out on the lawn, breathing the cool air, feeling the freedom of walking without a weight on her chest that she realized that the words hadn't cut her mouth. She wasn't bleeding. There were no fresh wounds; only healed scars.


	22. Chapter 22

The Crown Vic sat idling in the bay of NYPD cruisers, the rumble of the engine echoing off the cement floors and walls of the parking garage. Amanda could hear the dull roar just below the hum of her blood as she sat behind the steering wheel. She'd pulled in minutes ago, intending to sign the Vic back in, walk over to HQ, and immerse herself in what work she could. She'd gotten only as far as the wheels of the car had taken her, and she couldn't even shut off the engine. The power of the vehicle beneath her, offering her the chance to take to the road once more was her only form of escape at the moment.

She felt sick thinking of Olivia returning to Elliot for any reason. Olivia's insistence that this was only to put an end to her and Elliot's twisted relationship didn't settle in Amanda's stomach as absolute truth. She'd witnessed the effect Elliot had on Olivia and the direct consequences of losing that effect. She'd been a bystander taking on collateral damage in the fallout, and the thought of reliving the past few months of hell after their few days of bliss was almost more than Amanda imagined she could take. If they kissed, if they made love and fell into each other's arms, Amanda knew that she would not be able to remain in New York and stay sane. The whole city and all it's fantasized lure of excitement and anonymity would mean nothing if she lost the only thing worth her time and effort.

The heat of the parking garage and the idling car suddenly stifled her and she pressed her head down against the steering wheel with a groan. Her stomach was rolling despite being empty. She'd consumed nothing save for the coffee and cigarettes outside the Mott Haven bodega in the early hours of the morning, and the stress of and anxiety of the dawning day launched her stomach into nausea inducing tremors.

As the sweat slicked her back, trickling down between her shoulders blades, the seizing of her stomach reached a roiling peak and climbed up her throat. A gag scratched for life at the back of her tongue, and she desperately clutched her hand over her mouth while she grabbed at the door handle with her opposite hand. Her movements were clumsy and hindered by the lurching of her body, but she managed to slam her shoulder into the door and shove it open. She was quaking as she stumbled out of the seat and retched onto the cement floor between the two cruisers. Bile burned the back of her throat and nasal cavities as her body seized a second time, purging watery, acidic vomit from her mouth. With the control of her body cruelly ripped from her grasp, she could hear her gasps echoing against the cement walls, her voice guttural and shattered with sudden emotion. Sinking against the side of the cruiser, bent and poised for another traumatic regurgitation, she stared down at the ground through a shimmering gaze, and regretted every moment that had led her to this position.

Might it not have been better if she had never come to New York?

When a second wave of illness didn't come, she slipped down into the seat of the car sideways, wiping her mouth with the back of her clammy hand. Her body was wrapped in a layer of cold sweat and she reached over with quaking fingers to stab the AC button.

Laying her head against the headrest, she pressed her eyes shut, squeezing away tears that had been forced to the surface. All she could imagine behind the dark veil of her lids was the joining of Elliot's and Olivia's mouths, the falling of Olivia's heart, the final death knell of Amanda's own desires.

Slumping down, Amanda hugged her knees, pressing her forehead between them as a second wave of nausea came over her. Swallowing hard, she pressed back the sensation, focusing on the control of her stomach and esophagus until she could imagine lifting her head without vomiting again. She didn't know how many minutes passed before that fantasy felt like a reality.

Finally, she forced herself upright, removed the keys, and stood to her feet. Slamming the car door behind her, she stepped over the remnants of her meager breakfast that now lay dismally on the cement, and strode towards the exit.

**xxxxxx **

Leaning against the vending machine, Amanda stared blankly at the choices in front of her. The letters and numbers and packaging seemed blurred and jumbled no matter how she focused on bright colors and enticing rendering of chocolate bars and salty chips. The thought of putting anything in her mouth made her stomach turn, but she knew by the tremble in her body and the haziness in her head that she needed to eat. She needed the physical and mental strength to perform, more now than ever.

"Rollins?"

Captain Cragen's voice cut through the dull buzz in her ears and she looked up sharply, catching his reflection in the glass of the vending machine. Her own expression glinted with dread and suppressed anger mere inches from her face. Ducking her head, she swiped her hand over her eyes one last time before she turned to face him.

"Yeah?"

"You mind if we talk?" He asked, canting his head towards his office.

Amanda swallowed hard as her heartbeat throbbed harder in her head. She immediately tried to piece together what had happened within the past few days to earn her a trip to Cragen's office. Her first instinct was to pin it on her dangerous relationship with Olivia, but she quickly discounted the possibility.

_Hughes. _She thought at last, the final image of his bullet-riddled body collapsing to the pavement sliced through her mind, followed by that of his ex-wife, terror written in her gaze in her last moments of life.

"Sure." Her voice skittered across the break room, raw and raspy to her own ears.

Cragen nodded once in affirmation before he turned and strode towards the office.

Amanda heaved a deep breath in an attempt to calm to the churning of her stomach and her heart. Surely, her stomach had nothing left to give, and she wasn't sure her heart did either.

Ducking her chin, she steeled herself for the ensuing conversation and marched after him. She passed through the bullpen, focusing on her feet in front of her and the tiles of the floor that disappeared behind her. She entered Cragen's office, shutting the door quickly behind her. It was a quick moment of relief that easily passed from her once she turned and faced Cragen.

"I'm sure you know that Hughes's ex-wife didn't make it." Cragen said as he sat down at the desk.

Amanda clenched her jaw, but nodded. "Yeah, I was there."

"You've had a rough few weeks, and I think it's best you take a few days." Cragen replied, his gaze assessing her critically despite his barely veiled attempt to make this entire interaction seem casual.

"This is because I saw what happened?" Amanda asked stiffly, folding her arms across her aching midsection. "Because Liv was there too."

"Not just that." Cragen said slowly, his tone growing more diplomatic at the mention of Olivia. "You had a run-in with Hughes before this."

Anger flared through Amanda's chest once more at the reminder that Olivia had revealed her deepest secret to the man across from her, and she could not help but imagine that this conversation was orchestrated once more by a pair of hands she'd allowed herself to become much too comfortable with.

"You've been talking to Olivia again?" She snapped suddenly, casting him a sharp, watery gaze.

"She seems to understand what is going on here." Cragen replied, leaning forward with his hands folded tightly in front of him.

"She's not my babysitter, Captain." The words tore from her tongue on a raised, ragged tone as she charged forward. "And neither are you."

"Amanda-" Cragen began to admonish her, but rage was already burning a hot trail through Amanda's heart straight to her mouth.

"The two of you, you sit in here and you- you judge and you know _nothing_. And then you make decisions that affect me and I have no say in anything!" Amanda seethed, stabbing her finger down on his desk in a pointed motion as tears seared her eyes with damning emotion. "And you act like you're better than me! Well, guess what? You know where Liv is right now? Do you?"

Cragen's mouth was folded into a tight line, his brows deeply furrowed, but he said nothing.

"She's with Elliot." Amanda sneered, spitting out the words as she held onto the vindication that they might bring.

Cragen's expression shifted in an almost imperceptible reaction that Amanda hoped with disappointment.

"Yeah." Amanda laughed, mirthlessly, throwing up her hands. "_Apparently_, she's not perfect. Who would've guessed."

The room fell silent at last, and Cragen remained silent, gazing at her as though he awaited the inevitable demise of her anger. The satisfaction that Amanda had hoped for in revealing Olivia's location faded as quickly as it had come, leaving her with a nagging sense of emptiness, regret, and shame. Turning away from Cragen, she clutched her throbbing forehead with one hand and fought the burgeoning tears that roared to life in her throat.

"Go home." She heard Cragen say quietly at last. "You have three days off."

She stood stiffly in the center of the room, staring down at the floor. She felt paralyzed by the sudden urge to collapse as if taking one step would shatter her to pieces. For a long, mortifying moment, she could not move. When she did, she strode suddenly towards the door and ripped it open. The bullpen passed by her in a blur. Her head was dizzy with receding tides of anger and incoming waves of desperation. She could think of nothing but escaping the building.

As she rode the elevator down, she shoved her hands into her pockets and leaned against the back wall, her eyes pressed shut. It was then she felt the keys to the Crown Vic still resting in her pocket, biting her palm with metal teeth, and she realized that in her daze she'd forgotten to log the cruiser back into the station.

Pulling the keys out, she stared down at them, and pushed her thumb over the glinting silver.

When the elevator dinged and the doors began to open, she closed her hand over them and rushed out towards her escape.

**xxxxx**

Sitting in the driver's seat of the Crown Vic once more, Amanda laid her head back against the headrest and let her eyes close. The silence of the parking garage enveloped her and she could hear her breath tremble from her throat. While the privacy might've afforded her relief, her conversation with Cragen and her uncertain relationship with Olivia circled in her mind, leading her back down the path of last night's desperate passion. She'd nearly managed to escape Elliot's lingering presence over them and open herself up to Olivia with all the things that truly haunted her, but as soon as the sun had dawned, Olivia had seemed unprepared and unwilling to accept more than the surface version of Amanda. Olivia hadn't truly wanted to know what had happened in Mott Haven or why. If she had, she wouldn't have allowed Amanda to seduce her into much more pleasurable distractions.

Perhaps that was all she ever had been to Olivia. A distraction.

Sinking down further in the seat, Amanda fought back tears and pushed her hand into her pocket for her phone. Her hands were shaking as she unlocked the screen and opened the message thread beneath Olivia's name. She'd intended to type something final, the words that would put an end to their relationship, but her throat caught when her eyes settled on the new message.

_I'm sorry. _

It was two words, much less than what Amanda had ever expected from Olivia, but caught her heart and squeezed hard. She'd received the message approximately twenty minutes ago, perhaps at the moment she'd been expelling her breakfast onto the pavement.

She released as sharp breath as she stared down at the message and all its implications.

What was she sorry for? Their words in the kitchen? Her decision to go to Elliot? Her decision to sleep with him again...?

Tears surged in her eyes, and she poised her thumbs over the screen. Dozens of replies swirled through her mind, each equally desperate or seething. None of it seemed sufficient. None of it held the whole of anger, sorrow, or heartache.

At last, she breathed shakily and began to type the only thing that she thought might make Olivia understand - the truth. She began to type, letting it all spill out of her, all the things she'd wanted to say last night and couldn't. Sitting in the silence

_I don't know why I trust you or how this will end but I want you to know something._

_I couldn't tell you why I was in Mott Haven last night because I was ashamed and I was scared. _

_You value your job so much. _

_You're probably a better cop than I am because you would never do what I have done. _

_I broke the law last night. _

_If you'd gotten there any earlier you could've arrested me. _

_That bodega was actually an underground gambling room. And it's not the first time I've gone to one and it probably won't be the last. I've been doing this for a long time and I don't expect you to understand but I thought you should know even if it makes you hate me or never want to see me again. _

_I know what you'll say. I can stop. I can get help. Well... _

_You're wrong. I won't stop. I can't. _

_So that's it._

The cursor blinked within the new space and Amanda's heart throbbed in her chest. Her fingers were trembling, aching to say more. In the silence of the cruiser bay with the truth waiting in Olivia's inbox, Amanda wondered if she had anything left to lose in telling Olivia something that she'd been afraid to admit, something that had been lingering between them, reaching for a heartbeat and a mouthful of oxygen. Here, at what seemed to be the end, Amanda imagined that giving it life couldn't hurt her anymore than what they'd already done to each other.

Before she could second guess herself, she pressed her fingers to the keyboard and began to type.

_Actually there's something else. _

_I think I love you. _


	23. Chapter 23

Her first rational thought was to call Amanda, to explain, despite the tears that she knew would reveal the deepest places in her heart, that she was finally and completely done with that chapter of her life; that she was looking to the next...

She'd walked up the sidewalk away from Elliot's Queens duplex in a daze, set only upon removing the building from her presence and her line of sight. She'd needed to get away, suddenly and desperately, to physically remove herself from Elliot's life as much as she had needed to remove herself emotionally. She'd made it to the end of the street before her heart had finally slowed and she'd begun to think how she'd left Amanda standing in front of her apartment and of what her newfound freedom meant for them. They'd never truly tackled what they meant their relationship to be, but Olivia suddenly wanted to know.

She slowed as she turned the corner of the sidewalk and pulled her phone out of her pocket. Her hands still held a tremble from the adrenaline as she flipped the screen towards her face, illuminating the display. The preview of her latest notification was displayed there in bright white against the dark backdrop, making the words seem even more startling.

_I think I love you_

For a moment, she couldn't seem to comprehend the words and the meaning of Amanda's name above them, boldly declaring them as her chirping of the birds and the slow whistle of the wind faded in her ears, taken over by the thrumming of her pulse. She felt herself sway, as her stomach, the core of her equilibrium, quavered and turned over while she read the words over and over again, trying to make sense of them.

The screen began to dim again, jarring her from her frozen state, and she suddenly tapped furiously at the screen, bringing it back to full brightness. She swiped away the lockscreen, opening the message completely.

_Actually, there is something else. _

_I think I love you. _

Something else.

Olivia swallowed hard as she scrolled upward, revealing the string of messages, some long, some short. Some part of her wanted to turn away from the truth that she knew was coming, the truth she had _demanded_, in order to cling to the dazed afterglow of Amanda's declaration, but she knew this moment could not sustain even her strongest denial.

Releasing an uncertain breath she found the beginning of the messages, her eyes tripping over words even as she tried to take them one at a time. Snippets of Amanda's texts caught in her mind, some burrowing deeper than others.

_I trust you…_

_Ashamed… scared…_

_I broke the law…_

_Underground gambling room…_

_I won't stop. I can't._

Then finally, _that's it_. And again, _I think I love you._

Olivia lowered the phone slowly, her fingers trembling. Her breathing was sharp and heavy, a sense of desperation clawing at her lungs. She felt off balance as she stood staring down the unfamiliar street with her heart ripped to and fro, between one heartache and another. She felt the unrealistic desire to rewind and step back in time to a place where she could make everything that had happened different. Better. But as she gazed down at the screen once more, she knew it was impossible.

Amanda's sudden confession of love lived within the same space as her admission of guilt and the two could not be reconciled. Somehow, Olivia still had to accept them.

She stood on the sidewalk for a long moment trying to fit the two pieces together. It wasn't until she called for the cab and climbed into the backseat that the tears came, flooding to her eyes with both relief and frustration.

She'd just begun to think of her life without Elliot. As uncertain as her and Amanda's relationship was, she'd hoped that the younger woman would be some part of the future.

She read the messages again and then again, hoping that they would somehow change, but the letters on the screen remained fixed and unmoving.

She hadn't even thought of beginning a reply when the cab arrived at the 16th. A text seemed too small and insignificant to hold her feelings. She needed to see Amanda.

She thanked the cabbie and paid the fare before stepping out onto the sidewalk. She gazed up at the building for a moment, imagining what she could possibly say when she saw Amanda again. If she entered the bullpen to see Amanda at her desk as though nothing was wrong she thought she might lose her nerve - if she'd ever mustered it to begin with. Her emotional energy was already drained after her confrontation with Elliot. She could still feel his mouth on her mouth, his hand on her body, his smell in her nose. They rested in her senses as familiar but unwelcome vestiges of the past, and now the place she'd begun to flee to for escape was yanked from beneath her feet.

Her heart knocked against her ribs, echoing louder and louder in her ears with growing urgency as she took the trek up to the correct floor. By the time the doors of the elevator opened, she was trembling with it. She rushed out of the carriage and into the bustling room, her eyes darting from person to person, desk to desk in her search.

Her steps slowed as she reached Amanda's empty chair and abandoned workspace. The desk was absent of her laptop and usual morning coffee as though she'd never even arrived.

She glanced over her shoulder, making another once over of the room, but Amanda's blonde head was notably missing. Her gaze tracked back across the room, coming to a halt as she found Captain Cragen standing in the doorway of his office. Their eyes met for a long moment, holding heavy implications.

_Does he know…? _

Olivia glanced downwards quickly before striding across the room. Cragen stepped aside, allowing her to enter as though he'd been expecting her.

"Where's Amanda?" She asked, her tone sounding breathless in her ears.

"I sent her home." Cragen said, situating his hands in his pockets in a manner that did nothing to cover the tense energy flowing between them. "On your recommendation, remember?"

"Yes." Olivia forced herself to say with a shake her head. "Of course. I just didn't expect to be today."

"She came in very upset." Cragen said slowly.

"When? Today?" Olivia demanded, wheeling around to stare at him.

"Yes…." He hesitated before reaching over to shut the door.

Olivia watched it creak shut, her blood pressure rising with each passing second.

"She reacted… violently when I told her that she needed time off. She accused me of colluding with you to 'judge' her."

"Jesus." Olivia whispered, clasping her forehead as she turned away.

Her mind was spinning and she was trying to fit together the pattern of events that had suddenly exploded into reality in the past twenty four hours. She desperately tried to fit in the puzzle piece of Amanda's confession with her bizarre behavior towards Cragen, realizing only a little too late that there were more pressing issues. Somehow it was still all that she could think of.

"She accused you of other things as well."

The statement shattered her jumbled thoughts and turned back towards him slowly.

"What things?" She whispered.

"It concerned Elliot." Cragen replied carefully.

Olivia stared at him for a second, her throat tightening sharply. Warmth spread up her neck, crawling over her cheeks with delayed mortification.

"I…" The beginning of a hastily constructed explanation scratched from her throat but Cragen held up his hand.

"I don't need the particulars, Liv, but I've explained numerous times that personal issues don't come through this door. What happened to you and Rollins working things out?"

"Captain." Olivia began, shutting her eyes briefly against further humiliation. "This is my fault. I'm going to fix this. I just need some time."

"No, you don't." Cragen replied sternly. "We're already down a man and you're…" He briefly consulted his watch. "Two hours late. You can work with Amaro or Fin today. I don't care which."

"But, Captain-" Olivia began, motioning towards the doorway with her intent to leave and find Amanda at all costs.

"We're done here." Cragen cut her off as he strode to his desk.

Olivia watched him sit and flip open the file on his desk in a dismissive manner that she knew better than to argue with. Gritting her teeth, she turned and left the office, slamming the door behind her.

She charged through the squadroom, desperately trying to stay ahead of her emotions while they ferociously lapped at her heels with each step. She rushed into the bathroom and pressed the door shut with the weight of her shoulders. She stood against the smooth, cold surface, her body hot and quaking as she tried to temper her emotions.

_I just need a plan. _She told herself as she furiously swiped away stray tears. _If I have a plan, everything will be okay. _

Tilting her head back against the door, she inhaled and exhaled deliberately until the tight squeeze of panic loosened from her chest. Finally, she opened her eyes and gazed up at the blurry panels and half burnt out lights for a long moment. Once they'd come into focus, she grabbed her phone from her back pocket and opened Amanda's message thread.

Blowing out a quick breath, Olivia began to type.

_Let's talk tonight. I can't leave work atm but I think we should have a convo. A real one. _

She sent the message and watched the screen until it was marked delivered. She hesitated to leave the bathroom, eager to see Amanda's response as soon as it appeared. If it appeared.

Her patience was thin, allowing barely a minute to pass before her fingers itched to type something else, as if another message would jar a response out of the woman on the other end of the phone.

"Come on, Amanda…" She murmured into the silence, willing a response to materialize on the screen.

Another stretch of silence filled the bathroom and Olivia pressed her head back against the door with a light _thud_. She wrestled with another onslaught of emotion, all the while questioning when she'd become so weak, so easily pliable to the whims of another. It had taken Elliot years to break down her walls, and she'd once called him the love of her life. That Amanda so easily broke her shook her deeply.

The _ping _of her phone was loud and abrupt in the silence, jarring her from her lapsing position against the door. She straightened suddenly, pushing away from the door as she unlocked the phone.

_Did u sleep w him_

The text lacked a question mark, planting Amanda's distrust clearly in Olivia's mind. She could imagine the accusation coming out of Amanda's full, downturned lips, her blue eyes shimmering with the fantasized betrayal.

_No ofc not_. Olivia was quick to type the response in a reaction of self defense, but she hesitated over sending the message. She'd wanted to put this to rest in person; not in a text where her words could easily be misconstrued.

_Can I come by around 8_

She sent the retyped message, hoping that Amanda would comply. Almost immediately, however, Olivia's phone pinged once more with a new text.

_Just pls answer the question _

"Oh, Amanda…" She whispered, her words skittering back to her within the echoing walls of the bathroom.

_No I didn't. _She tapped out the message, keeping it clear and short.

She'd wanted to admit to the kiss even if it hurt them both. She'd kept so many of her and Elliott's encounters a secret and she knew keeping another one would only make her feel sick. Saying it over a text message when she wasn't there to explain her intentions and feelings in person, however, would be a disaster. She certainly couldn't begin to broach the subject of Amanda's own confession either as much as she wanted to.

Her phone was silent for a long moment and she hesitated to leave Amanda on that note without confirming they'd be able to continue the conversation.

_Can I pls come see u? _She sent the message, ignoring the sense of desperation wound up in the words of the text.

When she received Amanda's reply only a moment later, relief spilled over her.

_Ok. _

It was short, grudging even, but those two letters were all Olivia needed to get thought the rest of the day. She had a plan and everything would be okay. At the very least she had to believe in that.

**xxxxxx**

Pulling up in front of Amanda's apartment building, Olivia could not help but to remember the last time she had been here. She hadn't been alone in the cab. It hardly seemed true that she and Amanda's reckless first night together had only been a few days ago. Remembering the way Amanda's thighs had felt beneath her, the hot clasp of her mouth on her lips and breasts, the touch of her fingers teasing between her legs, Olivia felt envious of her own naivety. The stakes had risen immeasurably since she'd followed Amanda out of the precinct, full of impetuous desire.

Heaving a sigh, she pushed the cab door open and stepped out into the world, unsure of her preparedness, but overcome by impatience.

Hours had passed between her desperate texts in the precinct, long, tortured minutes of waiting and wondering. The job never failed to keep her busy, but Amanda remained at the back of her mind. She'd notice her concentration suddenly broken by the smallest thing and then she would find herself gazing at Amanda's empty desk, her throat aching. All the while doubt crept in, burrowing deeply into her stomach.

Perhaps it _had_ only been one night.

Perhaps this was for the best. Amanda obviously had issues of her own.

Perhaps she was only being naive in hoping for something more….

Just as viciously, her emotions would return, begging for some hope in the situation. By the time the workday had ended she felt exhausted by the mental thrashing she'd endured throughout the day. Still, she wanted to see her. The thought of not seeing her left an empty space inside her, too painful to endure beyond her imagination of it.

Walking up to Amanda's apartment building, she hoped Amanda shared some of her inclinations to be honest and forthright tonight.

She entered the atrium and found the buzzer for Amanda's apartment. She pressed it once firmly and stood back, her heart racing shallowly. She anxiously waited for the click of the door to open as several moments passed. She glanced back at the buzzer, ensuring she had pressed the correct button. She had.

_Come on, Amanda, don't do this to me. _She pleaded silently as another beat of silence passed.

Finally, she couldn't endure the waiting any longer and she pressed the button again, holding it longer and harder than before. When she released it, silence filled the small atrium once more.

"Come on." She whispered out loud, staring down the button as though it held some real time connection to Amanda.

She was about to press the button again when she heard muffled footsteps beyond the atrium. Beyond the glass doors, Amanda headed towards her, her head down. Olivia watched her, both relief and trepidation going through her as she watched her draw closer.

At last, Amanda reached the door and her eyes lifted, meeting Olivia's for a brief second through the glass. She pushed the door open and Olivia stepped back as Amanda entered the atrium.

"Amanda, thank God, I thought you…" Olivia's voice faded as Amanda's morose gaze met hers again.

"Yeah, I was gonna go out to smoke." Amanda motioned vaguely outwards, her pack gripped in her fingers.

Silence lulled between them, but Olivia could see the gloss over Amanda's eyes, speaking volumes where her words could not.

"I was telling the truth, Amanda." She murmured at last. "I actually told him to go fix things with his wife. I… I gave him his shield back."

Amanda's eyes shifted away from the street where they had wandered back towards Olivia. She hadn't spoken but Olivia's admittance had drawn her attention.

"Yeah." Olivia whispered, wanting to reach out and touch her. "I can't go back to that relationship. It's a chapter of my life that's… that's closed now."

Amanda blinked quickly and glanced down at the floor.

"Wow…" She whispered roughly. "I was imagining you and him were…."

"Well, he, uh…. He did kiss me." Olivia said quietly, hoping her careful tone would dull the blow.

Amanda's eyes snapped back to her, her brow twisting.

"And I wanted to tell you that." Olivia added, her throat tightening. "I'm tired of keeping his secrets. Of being one of them. It's, um… it's not what I want. It's not…"

Amanda stared back at her for a long moment, seemingly distrustful at first.

"Wow." She repeated roughly at last, glancing down at her pack of cigarettes and flipping the lid open.

"Do you…" Olivia began, stepping closer. "Believe me?"

Amanda was sliding the cigarette out of the pack when Olivia touched her arm softly. She glanced up quickly, her lids fluttering.

"I mean, yeah…" She whispered. "I just… "

"Just…" Olivia echoed, desperate to hear her thoughts that seemed so far from ever reaching her ears.

"I…." Amanda glanced away. "I'm going to smoke this."

"Okay…"

She watched Amanda push the door open and step outside before following after her.

The sun had begun to set, and it wouldn't be long before another night consumed them. Stepping out onto the half lit sidewalk, Olivia wondered which direction the moon and stars would take them tonight.

The door fell shut behind them and Olivia hovered on the step as Amanda leaned back against the wall and cupped the lighter to the cigarette. The scrape, click, and igniting flame seemed loud, followed by Amanda's inhale and the burning of nicotine. Amanda rested her head back against the wall, her gaze seemingly lost.

"Cragen said you were upset." Olivia said at last, unable to take the silence and the avoidance of further conversation any longer.

Amanda lifted her head, tapping out her cigarette as she glanced over at Olivia. She didn't speak as she took another drag, her cheeks hollowing before smoke streamed from her flared nostrils.

"Amanda." Olivia insisted, stepping closer to her. "I'm trying to talk to you here. I want to understand. I want-"

"You want me to be normal." Amanda said suddenly, her voice sharp. "You want me to be the person I was the first night I fucked you."

Olivia recoiled. "What?"

"I don't know what I was thinking telling you." Amanda muttered, glancing off towards the street

"Amanda, I-"

"Mott Haven? The bodega?" Amanda clarified, her blue eyes glittering like icy shards beneath the glaring light of the streetlamps. "My… _issues_."

Olivia felt her stomach drop further. She'd been more than willing to discuss Elliott or Amanda's feelings on her recommendation for Cragen to send her home, but perhaps Amanda was right. She wasn't exactly prepared to talk about something so personal as addiction, especially when it skirted the law. Her first instincts had been to push Amanda towards self-help and recovery, but Amanda's outright refusal of seeking any sort of help scared her. She was aware of Amanda's extracurricular behavior now, making her complicit in future late night excursions to backroom gambling halls.

Amanda's confession of love rested somewhere in the midst of the tangled mess, inextricably woven into the future of their relationship as much as the gambling issue was.

"I want to talk about that with you." Olivia murmured at last, taking another step closer to her. "I want to talk about everything."

"But what is there to say?" Amanda demanded suddenly, tears rising quickly in her eyes, her mouth trembling with the words. "Nothing you can say can change _any_ of this."

"Do you want to change it?" Olivia asked, emotion stinging her own eyes.

Amanda breathed heavily, her eyes dancing across the street and then back to her as a quick tear streaked down her cheek.

"If I wanted to change things I'd… I'd have to go back in time." She cried at last, making a broad gesture. "I'd have to stop myself from ever going to that hotel room and getting into bed with that… _that man_. That bastard."

Olivia pressed her eyes shut briefly as pain clenched in her chest in commiseration. It wasn't as though she hadn't guessed that Amanda's addiction was in some way connected to the violence she'd endured in Atlanta, but hearing her speak it all over again tore at Olivia's heart.

Amanda took another trembling drag of her cigarette, tears marking her cheeks in shimmering paths. She wiped the back of her hand beneath her eye, sniffing sharply as she shook her head.

"I used to think that I'd be able to handle it. If it ever happened to me." She scoffed a mirthless laugh. "I would put myself in really terrible situations. I earned my shield posing as underage prostitutes to catch johns, and I would just… Think up the worst kinds of things. Torture that my body couldn't possibly endure just to… feel like someone. Every time one of those fucking pedos put his hands on me, it felt good because I knew my partner was on the other side of the door, you know? Like I almost _hoped_ they'd go just one step further because then I'd really be able to get them. I was doing something worthwhile. But then…"

Her gaze met Olivia's, tears glimmering in her eyes, clinging to her lower lashes. Olivia struggled to speak, barely able to hold her gaze.

She shook her head, glancing downwards. "I'm sorry, Amanda."

"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault but my own that I convinced myself I was invincible." Amanda said quietly, her voice rough. "I thought if the day ever came that-… I never thought that it would be someone like him. I thought I would have the power to put away someone who would dare to touch a cop, a detective. I thought… people would believe me."

"I believe you, Amanda, and I'm sure that if you pursued this now there would be many people who would-"

"Yeah, but they didn't." Amanda cut her off quietly. "And I've been chasing that invincibility ever since. That power. And sometimes… I think I've found it. That's why I can't stop, Liv, don't you see?"

"But, Amanda, look at yourself?" Olivia insisted, closing the distance between them. Grabbing Amanda's face with both hands, she stroked the tears from her cheeks. "You're trying to find this thing, this power over your life, but this isn't the right way. Look at how you're torturing yourself. This isn't a way to live."

Amanda's slumped against the wall, her expression crumbling to the touch of Olivia's hands.

"I'm tired, Liv, I'm so fucking tired." She cried, her head sinking down until her forehead touched Olivia's chest.

"Shh, it's okay." Olivia murmured, wrapping her arms around her and crushing her to her neck and breast. "Sh…."

Amanda's body trembled against her, releasing heavy sobs into Olivia's neck. Olivia closed her eyes over her own burning tears and pressed her cheek against Amanda's soft hair. She rubbed her back slowly until Amanda's shoulders became still and her sobs quieted to sniffles, but she didn't release her. She felt so fragile in her arms that she wondered if she would collapse if Olivia let her go. Instead, she wrapped her arms around her tighter and kissed her temple softly, once twice, three times.

"I didn't think I could let Elliot go either." She whispered at last. "He was this…. lifeline to me. I'd felt so numb for so long that the thought of leaving him, this source of life and happiness, was as good as death. But I didn't realize… This thing that I thought gave me meaning was actually just…. Destroying me. I know it's hard, Amanda, but you have to believe in yourself. Your life is worth living even if you feel like your self worth has been taken from you. It's still there…You just have to find it."

Stroking her hand beneath Amanda's chin, she lifted her face until it was aligned with her own. Amanda's blue eyes were swollen and red, but brilliantly blue in the sparse light of the waning day, and Olivia never wanted to let her go; but she knew the cost of loving someone who vices were stronger than any relationship.

"I love you, Amanda." She whispered, stroking her cheek. "And I believe in you, but you have take control of your life. Real control."

Amanda swallowed hard, her eyes blinking slowly. "You… love me?"

Olivia ducked her head for a moment, a surge of emotion filling her chest. "Yes… And I don't trust many people with that, so that's why-"

"No, I understand." Amanda whispered, her voice surprisingly solemn and determined. "I can't hurt you."

Olivia lifted her head, meeting Amanda's wide, cerulean eyes. Her heart was shattering and coming together all at once, and she didn't know whether to believe in this moment or not, but she couldn't stop herself from leaning in. Their mouths collided, lips still wet and sharp with tears and desperation. Her fingers sank into Amanda's hair, grasping her face tighter to her own. Beneath her, Amanda's gasped, her hands trembling and grasping at Olivia's shoulders and hips. Olivia slanted her mouth over Amanda's, pressing her tongue past compliant flesh and teeth. She tasted familiar and good, and the revelation struck the breath from her lungs. She sank back, trembling as she stared into Amanda's wide, glimmering eyes.

"Just please promise me you'll try." She whispered, pleadingly.

Amanda's mouth lifted in a tremulous smile and she nodded slowly. "For you."

She wanted to make her promise that it wasn't just for Olivia but for herself as well, but she swallowed the words. It was good enough for now. She had to believe that it was the first step of many.

"Let's go inside." She whispered, smoothing her hand down Amanda's arm until she found her hand.

Amanda nodded her, hand clamping tight around Olivia. They left the sidewalk, leaving behind fraught distrust and Amanda's half smoked cigarette to grow cold on the concrete. Somewhere high above New York City, the stars and moon slipped out from behind the clouds, offering shining light towards the new day.

~the end~

**Note:**

**Thanks to everyone who read and left wonderful on this story. It was a long process to finish this but I'm really glad I did. It was a pleasure writing it for you all :)**


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